Januari 04, 2017
hey guess what this episode of open haus is sponsored by...
uh, ey guys you can put it on anything, your skin, you can eat it, you can do... the question is what don't you use it on? you can do anything with anything coconut oil is good for you no matter where you put it this episode is not sponsored, stop it geez, we're just a bunch of fucking sellouts i wish... hey, your first question this week comes from umm
"banditcheesicton", that's good chesington er, "what's the story behind your gnarliest injury? full on gnar, please." i've had weird finger injuries like i had a, i had a weight, you know the weight plates yeah ohh yeah yeah so basically like my finger was between two of the weight plates in a weight machine
one of them fell on the other and just shattered my bone umm i also had a soccer ball, when i was like, when i was the goalie i had a soccer ball kicked at my hand and i put my hands up to block it, and it popped the tendon there my finger was just drooping and i was like, "oh well, ok, got to go to the hospital" that's some hot gnarl bra but what about these gnarly stories from lawrence
hit me with it bra'aa'aa'aa'aa i'll go with one that matt was there for err, we were in mma class and somebody threw me and like let with his elbow down so when, when i hit the ground, he landed on top of me with his elbow i felt my ribs separate then pop back into place "flawless victory" i got this bump here, see that weird bump is that where his heart is?
isn't that your rib? no i assume that was your twin brother that you ate in the womb and he is still trying to get out he calcified there man that truly is some hot gnar i can't wait to hear what kind of gnar adam has i've actually, i think i'm unbreakable because i haven't broken anything nice
i've only broken other peoples bones on accident. good for you er during football practice in high school i was doing tackling drills with my best friend and i broken his leg. oh shit and i walked away totally fine how did he walk away? he limped(i think elyse's amazing joke went over adam's head) er i also have never broken a single bone in my body
boom ahhhh! gnarly! that's pretty gnar when i wrestle in high school, there was a so he grabbed my leg, this other wrestler and i tried to escape and he held onto my foot and then wrenched it oof
and he twisted my ankle such that my foot turned basically the wrong way and then went back, but none of the bones broke exorcist foot and so i basically have a permanently twisted ankle in like my right leg i went to the doctor and none of the bo'bones broke, he just like stretched all of the tendons around and then my leg snapped back, i'm like a rubber man elyse, what happened, i'm i'm curious to hear your gnar i have a lot, you guys were here for blood eye you saw that
um is that an injury though? not, technically no still gnarly though i once like got, er, concentrated chlorine in my eye and had to wear an eye patch for a day what is wrong with your eyes? the ultimate one was like, you guys know when i shattered my thumb because i was, er hit by a golf club oh yeah, that's a great story
my like thumbs kinda but nothing is gnarly as what matt peake has to say that's either my separated shoulder from snowboarding umm or... a dog inadvertently bit my face open one time well the dog didn't mean to was it going for a rasher of bacon that was that was right next to your face? you know, matt maybe you lather yourself with coconut butter not sponsored
dogman, after being bitten by a dog, he gained scars next question, from never2dead1122 "i'm currently on a weight loss journey, but i'm struggling a bit. what are some words of wisdom that each of you guys can give me to help me?" number 1, hate yourself, that way err you never give yourself what you want so if you hate your body then it becomes challenge between who you are; your mental self and your physical self and you want to punish your garbage sack of shit body it wants food, you're like "fuck you body, i call the shots here, you're not getting food ever!"
and then once you wake up in the hospital with a saline pump in your arm you're like "gotcha! gotcha" and then you kinda pass out again that's good i was just gonna say, jacked dudes get laid more do they? i would say, get rid of all of your anime titty mouse pads because those are teaching you unrealistic body image mine would be see how long you could fast so i don't know if you guys have ever tried to not eat for 24 hours or 48 hours
it's very difficult i mean, you can live without food for three weeks i wanna say, two or three weeks so just see how long you fast you shouldn't be bulimic, it's dangerous, don't do that so you get a friend to help you, use their finger and that way, it's not your fault err, next question from twerksamwich err "elon musk has asked the members of funhaus to become consultants for the upcoming journey to mars after watching you all play astroneer. what is your strategy for colonizing the red planet?" i mean, i think we colonize the same way america colonized
we get in there and just kick out the native americans absolutely and that way, it's our planet see my concern is that we haven't, that there is life on mars already so i say we send nukes ahead, that's the problem, we haven't done that yet we gotta nuke that planet to hell pre bomb it, then we can go in once we are sure that everything is dead i think any good planet/country/city needs a good leader so we have to elect a president of mars
matt peake whoopi goldberg, oh matt peake oh ok, whoopi goldberg is a good choice no no no no, matt peake is good too how about king and queen of mars? matt peake and whoopi goldberg. we institute a monarchy of mars, a marsarchy is that a cave, new martian cave or whoopi's vagina? i say we, we, we first need to integrate with martian culture so if er, if 60s pop magazines have taught me anything,
it's that mars is populated entirely by red skin babes wearing silver bikinis so i go there and i'm like "you guys don't know how to earth party!" and then i bust out some light beers, we all start dancing on the martian beach maybe i take two or three of them back to my beach bungalow on mars i play ukulele for them cos that gets the martian chicks wet as hell but the whole time his eyes are bulging out he's freezing so yeah, we, we throw the most awesome 60s mars rager and by the end of it, they are like "you know what, you earth guys know how to party"
i can't wait for lawrence to not be paying child support on mars there's no laws there, yeah matt peake, how do you colonize mars? er, you gotta send water first there's water on mars, you didn't know that? is there? there's absolutely, there's ice all over. we could melt it and penguins and then you lick it
"and then you lick it" well then, it's all set to go err, sorcerersorder writes, err "i'm falling hard for this gorgeous nude model. can any of you give me tips on how to whoo her?" err, i think you might have to ride this one out, sorcerers i'm sorry but it, it seems like you're at the age where any amount of nudity makes you fall in, in "love" and that's cool and all, i, i guess, i guess really i'm, i'm sorry but i'm gonna have to give you some sidestepping advice, just go to the bathroom and jack off in a urinal you don't want to feel like you're intimidating her so the best thing you can do is get naked before you ever like approach her
so you catfish her and you meet her somewhere, but totally nude yeah, but totally nude there's an easy solution for all of this make sure you follow her on twitter, er find her amazon wishlist, buy the things that she wants give money to her patreon, her kickstarter, whatever she wants. give her more money, keep giving her money. err she will eventually fall in love with you i'll just give her a good old fashioned jar of coconut oil dammit elyse, we're not sponsored by coconut oil she's gonna want to keep that skin fresh, keep that skin moisturised, lather yourself with coconut oil
when did big coconut get to you? tell her, ask her to, err put clothes on. i bet not a lot of people are saying that don't listen to peake, don't listen to peake you already got her right where you want her modesty is a wonderful thing cover that disgusting body if you wanna go out on a date i was gonna woo her by bringing matt peake to my date and then he'll talk to her and give her advice
elyse, next question from ohgodsammit, "if you had to have a sexual relations with any muppet which one would you have a relationship with and why?" who's that like droopy eyelid, straight blonde hair chick? janice i like janice "lawrence, will you have sex with me?" i will janice, let's go elyse, i'm waiting for your answer
who would you pick? for me? you love the muppets probably swedish chef and he'd be like (awesome swedish chef impresion) erh, i'm cumming, erh mine would be the blue bald eagle stoic and american he's everything i look for in a partner
hmm, i wanna have a freeway with the two old men up in the rafters waldorf and statler yeah, that's them i'd pick animal he'd be fucking crazy he'd probably bite your dick off man yeah, he might but who cares peake? i don't remember any of these characters you're talking about
just say kermit matt, did you ever watch muppet babies matt, you know, you know who's technically, you know who's technically a muppet? yoda kermit/yoda/something green one of those "something green" matt peake, last question err, from lincethan, "who is your favourite wrestler?" i was always partial to the rock but i never really watched too much wrestling, so
good answer i was gonna say the undertaker, because he became the american or something american badass then he was die, then he died, he died first he went in hold for a little bit, he kidnapped stephanie mcmahon yeah, who cares? the undertaker yeah ok i don't know man, i don't think i have the bank of knowledge to make an appropriate answer just say hulk hogan
hulk hogan there, i took it err, probably sting, i also loved ultimate warrior too i think the rock is probably far and away the greatest wrestler i was always a big fan of "xpack", pac who "xpack" xpac what was it? d-generation x
yeah, he was the only one man enough to fuck chyna that's not true that is not true triple h (hhh) also fucked chyna until he left her for stephanie mcmahon look at adam's (something) whaaaa she's an angel... cos she's dead (ha, bringing back those funny dead chyna jokes)
i was gonna say macho man cos of slimjim yeah, take it away elyse ok, let me just crack it open here have a bite, take some oh, he's touching it, he actually touched it you're not supposed to touch it are, you're supposed to use a spoon i think yeah, you're definitely supposed to use a spoon, that whole thing is tampered i'll just
actually, elyse, my beard is a little dry, can i get a little bit of that? elyse, you know how much this sponsorship costs right? it's like 10,000, it's like 10,000$ 10,000$ so do you have 10,000$ to give to funhaus?
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