Februari 08, 2017
[no audio] sam: -- about the company itself whoso kindly sponsors us and about their founder, one ebenezer lootacrata. born on a silk-worm farmin budapest in 1919, ebenezer lootacrata was a unique child. his siblings-- claudrica, piterca,dominocos, and bob-- would always play checkers, but ebenezer was fascinated by the box they camein. in fact, he was obsessed with boxes. did he wear briefs? no, boxers. he traded in hisbackpack for a backbox. he wouldn't eat jelly from jars. he scooped it out of a large pine jelly box.dick-in-a-box? he invented that in 1930. and in 1937 he packed up everything that wasspecial to him-- one shirt, one sticker, one comic book, and one toy-- placed them in a crate and setoff for college. one day later, he was expelled
from college because he did not own pants.but he had a vision! a revolutionary idea! before, people had boxes and people had coolstuff, but he dared to put the cool stuff inside the boxes! he named his company "lootacrata".in america we bastardize it as loot crate, but history has never been the same. matt: thank you, sam. very informative. sam: and you guys should know that you should goto lootcrate.com/criticalrole. promo code this week, to celebrate the arrival of taryondarrington to critical role, please use code "tary", that's t-a-r-y, for 10% off your firstmonth's order. we at loot crate welcome taryon darrington and look forward to his adventures.he totally isn't the worst. definitely not the
worst character to ever appear on critical role.actually, we've changed our mind. please use the code "criticalrole". (all laugh) travis: do you know how many people are going togo to their website and enter in "taryon". they're like "what the fuck!?" "code notreceived." marisha: it's an arg, i know it! matt: exactly. taliesin: it's perfect. they'll enter 'tary' andbe disappointed. matt: tary's the new sombra.
marisha: my subscription went up three dollars?aw. matt: hey, at least it's in character. marisha: worse. matt: thank you, sam. appreciate it. all righty,so, a number of us, if the weather is with us-- as a giant storm apparently just blew into the westcoast-- are intending to fly out tomorrow to anime milwaukee. so it'll be me and marisha-- travis: wisconsin! matt: yes! marisha: it's gonna be cold.
matt: it's gonna be cold. with travis, laura,myself, and marisha will be out there along with a bunch of other awesome guests, so hopefullywe'll see you guys there very soon. also, as far as the merch goes, apparently we're out ofdice! right? we're out of dice. dice are gone. laura: we even ordered a lot this time, but we'reout. sam: but what will the people do? what will theyroll? laura: well, maybe they'll roll something extraspecial later. i don't know. taliesin: (laughs) matt: you speak like you know what you're talkingabout. travis: what a tease. what a tease.
sam: you have no idea. laura: we do still have bracelets. we do stillhave pins. we do still have a few socks left. we still have shirts! taliesin: the gilmore shirt is back-- laura: we have gilmore shirts. we have a few-- wehave strongjaw shirts! are you wearing yours? travis: nope. laura: no. matt: (laughs) laura: there's our critical role logo shirt! allthese shirts are still available in the store!
liam: he's wearing it on his face. that'sstrongjaw. laura: this is strong-- this is a strong jaw. liam: wears it every day. taliesin: you should work in radio. travis: they don't want me. laura: that's all i got. matt: no worries. thank you, laura. marisha,do you want to talk about signal boost? i guess amy dallen just had her run, right? marisha: yeah! amy dallen had her episode.it's great. this week is eric campbell coming up
in the run. and you should go-- (airhorn noises)--and you should go watch 'em. laura: we gotta stop. marisha: yeah, where does that end? once youstop-- once you pop you just don't stop-- oh god, now it's a pringles reference. okay, go watchsignal boost! matt: (laughs) well done! sam: and eat pringles. marisha: not boosted on the signal boost.but could be! matt: indeed. (in scottish accent) and there's anew thing called wednesday club. you want to talk about that? what's that about, taliesin? tell usabout that!
taliesin: for anybody who reads comic booksnormally, you know that wednesdays is when comic books get released at comic book stores all acrossthe country. and if you're a big comic book nerd-- and you had a really fun comic book store-- youwould go on a wednesday night and hang out with all the other comic book nerds and havesix-week-long conversations on who would win in a fight, superman or thor. sam: thor. taliesin and travis: superman. taliesin: actually, funny enough. you don't go toa wednesday club, so you-- sam: thor's a god.
taliesin: well, now you have a show to watch.so now that i don't really have time to do that any more, we thought it would be fun to just do ithere with all of our comic book nerds, so amy dallen and matt key and i are going to be talkingcomics every wednesday from noon to two on the twitch stream and we're going to-- laura: yay! taliesin: yay! marisha: new shows! taliesin: new show! the wednesday club, and we'regoing to try and make it fun to watch, and easy if you've not picked up a book in ages and you'vemaybe thought about getting into comics,
or you had some kids and now the comic books havejust turned into giant shreds of paper. marisha: yeah, it's not a news show. taliesin: we're not talking news. we're justtalking fun, cool comic book facts, and our first episode is going to be "origin stories" were wetalk about why we got into comic books, and then starting the week after we're going to be talkingabout cool characters, team-ups, classic runs of books, anything and everything. it's going to begreat. travis: crossovers? taliesin: no crossovers. never mentioncrossovers. sam: special guests?
taliesin: special guests! we will have specialguests and not-so-special guests-- you can come, too. so yes! wednesday club, we'll be talkingabout comic books! it's going to be great! laura: yaaay! liam: so exciting! matt: thank you, taliesin. taliesin: check us out on wednesday. matt: also, there's a game called for honor thatjust came out that a couple of you assholes are in. liam: oh, it's on the shelves, we've been playingit for weeks here!
travis: yeah! liam: you can play it as well if you go to yourlocal shop or download it or get it at a store--i already said that but you can play samurais-- wehave no samurais here. you can play knights-- hey!-- or you can play vikings-- you can use thisguy! travis: buuhh, vikings! laura: what kind of viking are you? travis: (loud belch) the male raider. laura: the raider. travis: it comes out tuesday, february 14th on allgaming platforms.
laura: that's yesterday. matt: that was two days ago. travis: it's valentine's day-- i didn't...miss... laura: our valentine's day consisted of me makingchili and then us going to menchie's. travis: and farting a lot. laura: yup! matt: there ya go! laura: it was a gooood valentine's day. taliesin: it's good chili, to be fair.
matt: you got out of the house, though. travis: that's true. marisha: we watched jurassic world and suicidesquad. travis: you did both of those? marisha: we wanted to get caught up on our,like-- matt: bad movies. marisha: -- questionably bad movies. travis: that's a bunch of stank. matt and laura: yeah.
matt: no, we had to sit quietly for an hourafterward, just to take it all in. marisha: my favorite is rick flag just shoutingexposition through suicide squad and that's his purpose. travis: yeah. matt: including katana's needless arrival--anyway! this is not this night's game of d&d. taliesin: i went to underworld and met somecritters, it was good. matt: that's awesome! marisha: oh! that's a better valentine's day. liam: you know, honestly, you two having the timeto sit down and watch two bad movies--
travis: here it comes. liam: when i don't have time to watch one goodmovie-- laura: here we go. here we go. liam: -- is offensive. that is offensive to me. travis: you have the joy of children in yourlife! marisha: yeah! laura: that's right. travis: the beacons of hope in life. of futuregenerations. marisha: you have spawn.
laura: gulp gulp gulp gulp! travis: he's so thirsty! he's just dehydrated. marisha: they'll be holding your hand, you know,in later years. liam: it will help me when i'm dying. that istrue-- taliesin: pushing you slowly off the edge. matt: yes. we're just gonna be somewhere in a forest,lost, screaming to each other, help! so that's our future. liam: i guess it's time to climb this mountain andthrow myself off.
travis: that's a good way to go. matt: cultural heritage of ours. marisha: this is my child. this's what i'veaccomplished. matt: last but not least, quick little note,due to the current difficulties with green cards and people that are in the country who weren'tborn here, one of our fantastic crew members, amandine, unfortunately is having to leave and goback to switzerland. this is her last episode of critical role. she's been a tremendously amazingmember of our team, and we've loved having her here, and we certainly know this is not the lastwe'll see of her, but this'll be her last show for awhile, so i just wanted to bring her out and sayhi to the community real fast.
travis: aw, yeah! come on out! (all applaud) matt: come here. you've been amazing. amandine: thank you. sam: if anyone would like to sponsor-slash-marryher, she could stay-- sam: -- and she could stay on the crew. just aquick little marriage. matt: we all tried, everyone here did our best,but we're going to miss you terribly and you've been amazing. amandine: i will miss you too.
marisha: i know, you've been great, man. laura: you're amazing. marisha: she's been working on talks machina,kicking ass. matt: yeah, she's been kicking ass on set. sam: she's why it looks good now. marisha: really, yeah. matt: seriously, so, everyone send your love,give your hearts out, and yeah, we'll look forward to seeing your adventures as you progressand we'll bring you back as soon as we can. we'll find a way.
amandine: okay. laura: yeah! marisha: we love you! matt: thank you. amandine: thank you, guys. travis: woo-woo! sam: let's bring the show to her! matt: yeah, perfect! we're coming to switzerland! taliesin: i'm okay with that.
matt: guys. let's go ahead and jump into tonight'sepisode... of critical role. [opening credits] matt: welcome back, everyone. so. as we left offon the adventures of vox machina, you had just finished destroying the long-standing reign andterrorizing assault of the chroma conclave across the face of tal'dorei. as you finished thatchapter, defeating raishan and collecting the remnants of the necromancer's sanctum of where thefinal battle took place, you returned with the unfortunately fallen corpse of your friend,scanlan shorthalt. you succeeded in the resurrection, however upon returning fromvasselheim, scanlan coming to consciousness, it was discovered that scanlan was in a place inhis life where he needed to take some time with
his estranged and recently discovered daughter.and arguments ensued, and agreement was had that he would step away from vox machina to follow hisown path. the group took a period to mourn, and then began to decide what their next layer ofplans were, what loose ends still were held out there, and you made your way to the city ofank'harel on the continent of marquet to return the right hand of ripley, the person responsiblefor assassinating a member of the scarbearers within the debt's respite tavern in the city.as you made your way past the bazaar towards the inn, on the outside you saw what appeared to be alarge humanoid structure built of iron and metal walking on its own behind a very flashily dressedblond gentleman with goatee and a, for lack of a better term, braggartly demeanor who managed toweasel his way into the company of vox machina and
to continue his adventures alongside theirs as hisrobot friend doty continued to archive it in his book of his adventures. and that is where we leftoff. as you guys step into the relatively empty interior of the debt's respite at this hour,with this individual taryon darrington in tow. travis: is that really his name? laura: that's his name. sam: still his name. laura: taryon darrington. laura: we agreed to bring him along because he'spaying us. matt: correct.
laura: that is an important fact. matt: that is a very important fact. travis: oi, t-- tar-- sam: friends call me tary, jumbo. travis: tary jumbo. sam: no, you're jumbo, i'm tary. travis: jumbo-- tar-- i'm tary. can you spell outyour name for me on a piece of parchment? sam: sure. do you write? travis: frequently.
sam: t-a-r-y-o-n-d-a-r-r-i-n-g-t-o-n travis: no, no. i asked you to spell it out on apiece of parchment. sam: oh, you want me to write it down. travis: yeah, i'm, uh, i study handwriting. sam: i understand. a scholarly mind is not a thingto shirk. doty, write out my name in the finest calligraphy and give him a page. matt: (writing noises) and the hand seems to pickup speed and start rapidly whipping across the page-- travis: whoa.
matt: (tearing paper noise) tears it out andpresents it to you rather forcefully just over taryon's head. and it is pretty fine calligraphy,actually. not that you can appreciate it. travis: i know. matt: it just looks like a god damn scribble. laura: scribbles! travis: mm! yes. uh-huh. thank you. sam: you're quite welcome, jumbo. travis: oh my god, behind you! sam: what, what is it?
travis: it was nothing. i'm always looking out forthis group, though. thank you. sam: are you the leader of this collection ofindividuals? you are the biggest. travis: no, i'm-- laura: our leader isn't with us right now. travis: yeah, just the biggest. sam: hm. all right. have we already begun ourmission that we're on right now? sam: oh. travis: we just got here and then you startedtalking. sam: you're right.
taliesin: i'm getting drinks for everybody.i assume we've got the table at this point. matt: the entire establishment pretty much is fullexcept for a couple of individuals that you remember from before who are kind of masqueradingas patrons, but each, while they have their drink in front of them, they haven't touched it,and they have their hand on the side of their sword belts. at the bar, there is nobody currentlymanning it. and as this conversation's occurring you do see the familiar face of treev bonebreaker,the bronze dragonborn who is the scarbearer head here within the facility, turn the corner into theroom. it looks like he's wiping out what looks to be a large tankard, as he kind of like gives it ashine and looks over. "well, look at that. it looks like they allreturned. it's not often you see folks who are at
"least trying to stick to their word." laura: â well, that's us-- travis: we've been here before? laura: -- promise keepers. yes, dear. travis: oh. taliesin: we're trying to stick to our word at thevery least. marisha: key word is 'try'. mainly by avoidingdeath at this point. matt: one would recommend that. marisha: yeah.
matt: yeah. taliesin: vax? who has-- laura: â grog. taliesin: grog! laura: i believe. marisha: the bag of holding. travis: oh god, don't point to me, i forgot wewere even here. laura: or maybe, unless you meant to say me andyou said vax. taliesin: no!
laura: because why would vax have anything,i'm the one with the bag of colding. liam: see, actually, this is one of thoseinstances where it sounded halfway between vax and vex-- taliesin: it was not, it was a "vax." liam: it could work for either of us. taliesin: i will definitely, i will stand behindthat. marisha: sure, it was like a long 'a' like avaaax. laura: vaaax. liam: it's the "ae" thing.
taliesin: â it was vax, it was not a vex. sam: what's your name? i am a bit confused atwhat's going on here so-- sam: â what's your name? matt: treev. what's your name? sam: taryon darrington. you may have heard of me.friends call me tary. matt: no. sam: â well, you will once my book comes out. taliesin: i don't think that-- no. matt: who's this fucker?
laura, taliesin, and marisha: â we don't know. taliesin: he just sort of found us outside.and he had, honestly-- laura: just ignore him, really. how about that? taliesin: we're not entirely sure what happenedhere. matt: ah, there's some fancy garb you're wearing. sam: oh, yes. quite fancy. matt: â good to know. sam: deadly as well. matt: anyway.
laura: â grog-- matt: â he leans forward. "so what? are you here totalk--" taliesin: grog? matt: "-- or drink? â you here to talk?" laura: â shall we bust it out here or do you wantto talk in private? matt: he does a quick scan of the room. "it's mypeople and you. might as well." laura: should i dig into the bag of holding? travis: what? i don't even remember being here! laura: â okay, i'm just gonna reach in the bag ofholding and pull out the hand.
matt: â okay, and you do. you find the mechanicaldigits of ripley, plus some of them partially bentfrom the combat-- travis: oh! laura: oh yeah! travis: i still don't have it, i'm trying to-- laura: it's good. taliesin: we have the human hand as well.we have the mechanical hand and the human hand. marisha: yeah, we took both. taliesin: â we took both. we figured we'd haveoptions, if i recall.
laura: oh, that's right, i put the regular hand--did we? taliesin: we took both! we took the robot hand andthe-- to be fair, i was dead at the time so i don't-- travis: tary, we work on very strict rules.if you fuck us, we take your hands. sam: you have more than one hand with you rightnow? liam: â we have a lot of stuff in that bag. laura: you wouldn't even. taliesin: huge collection. travis: we really don't know what's in there.
laura: you don't want to see in there. marisha: lots of body parts. taliesin: it's pretty gruesome. sam: okay... taliesin: you have to ask, then-- sam: just tell me when to start swinging thesword. travis: thought you had to-- oh, yeah! and itextends, but-- sam: sure. matt: do you pass over the hand?
laura: sure! matt: while this is happening you kind of slam itdown on the table. the giant, bronze dragonborn claw reaches out and grabs it, and rakes itforward, picks it up, and the fingers fall limp in the grasp. and he turns it around in his vision. (sniffs) "it's a strange contraption. certainlylooks like a hand." laura: she was a strange woman. matt: so you're telling me, this is the one thattook out the mistress asharru? taliesin: i put the retort pistol on the table.she used one of these devices. matt: "right, right. very well."
he takes the hand and begins scraping the pistol back with him as well. taliesin: the pistol was just for show. it wasn'ta gift. matt: "all right. well, at least the mistress canlay at rest. i thank you for your deed." and he spins his finger in the air and one of the men at the table gets up and walks out of the room and exits through the front door behind you. taliesin: i won't pretend that we didn't have ourown reasons for it. but we are grateful that you recognize that we respect your authority. matt: takes some balls to come back here and nothave anything to show for it. so, glad you got balls, all of you. except for that one.
laura: giant balls. yeah, his i'm not sure of-- taliesin: we haven't checked his, to be fair. sam: they're quite-- quite lovely. matt: well, i have called off my associates.the hunt is null and void. you're free to wander without worry. laura: thank you, treev. taliesin: we'll probably only be another day ortwo in town before we head home. thank you. thank you for your time. laura: we're out.
travis: â did we not get anything for that? laura: â we got our lives. taliesin: we got someone to remove a debt upon ourheads. marisha: yes. travis: could we see the debt or was it magic? taliesin: it was metaphorical. laura: magic. pure magic. taliesin: magic. sure. travis: whoa. glad we did that.
matt: stay for a drink? travis: yes! yes! yes! taliesin: yes. liam: yeah. let the big guy play. marisha and laura: sure. laura: but i wanna keep an eye out on the barbecause i still don't trust our environment. matt: certainly. it's been kinda low-key here forthe day. travis: tary, do you drink anything? sam: wine, mostly, yes.
travis: does dottie drink anything? sam: doty. travis: right. sam: he does not drink. travis: then that's two for you. i'll have two ofyour strongest whatevers for blond-chin over there. matt: all right. anyone else? taliesin: yes, please. matt: â "round it is." and he goes and he gathersup a number of small mugs, tankards, it's
ramshackle in here. this essentially acts as abase of operations first and a tavern a distant second, so it's barely functional really as acomparable establishment for fine drinks and atmosphere, but it works. taliesin: heineken's coming, basically. matt: yeah, yeah. the drinks are passed around,some small talk's made with treev, discussing just how things have been pretty low-key sinceasharru was killed and you guys last left, there hasn't been an upset. there was apparentlya vision of some sort of a creature at the top of the cerulean palace a few days ago. laura: really?
matt: but people were wondering if that was asighting of devo'ssa, and some of the rather intense historians and younger believers in themyth of devo'ssa have been up in a tizzy, and treev just kinda shrugs it off and takes adrink and goes, "just what we need is another bigger fucking dragon." taliesin: not for a long time, one would hope. matt: aye. taliesin: so. tary? sam: yes? taliesin: i have to admit, i'm curious, where didyou get your friend there?
sam: why, i made him! taliesin: did you? sam: yes, i did? taliesin: really? what's his power? how's hepowered? what runs him? i'm just sort of curious. sam: i-- no offense, but i doubt you wouldunderstand the inner workings of something ascomplicated as this. taliesin: that's a very interesting thought youhave there. but, still, i would be just delighted to hear your attempt to simplify it for me. sam: all right, i will. are you familiar withlevers? things that move up and down?
sam: yes? some of those. there's also a machinecalled a pulley where you can apply force and it will amplify it with a wheel and a string. taliesin: â i think i've read about such thingsbefore, yes. sam: â some of those are in there. also, anincline. it's another simple machine. taliesin: you didn't build it, did you? sam: i did build it. taliesin: did you? did you build it? taliesin: so, one would assume there's an accesspanel somewhere on him where one can make adjustments, or otherwise fix him if he breaksdown?
sam: pretty fancy technological speak. taliesin: thank you. where would the access panelbe? sam: why do you care to know? taliesin: well, just in case you're knockedunconscious by, let's say, someone sneaking up behind you and hitting you with a weapon? sam: won't happen. doty has my back. right, doty? matt: at which point doty crams in right behindand is dwarfing tary in size with the broad metallic shoulders and is (heavy footfalls) taliesin: doty? did he build you?
matt: no response. sam: i'm a bit of a tinkerer. i can show you a fewthings if we have a quiet moment, not in public. taliesin: can you? travis: holy fuck. taliesin: that would be... excellent. sam: i look forward to the lesson. taliesin: i look forward to giving the lesson,yes. liam: i'm curious if we could uh, it wasermergerd, right? sam: my name?
liam: ermergerd swearengen, yeah. sam: nope. you misheard me, little elf boy,it's taryon darrington. liam: fucking don't like this guy. i'm curious,where do you hail from? are you from here? sam: nope, not from here. matt, we discussed this,where am i from? sam: you gave me three options. matt: i did. sam: and i was like, "hmm, i don't know what anyof those--" travis: hey tary! open up! liam: ooh.
travis: missile snaring! laura: missile snaring! taliesin: gloves of missile snaring are currentlyequipped, motherfucker! matt: oh, shit! marisha: that's great. matt: that's beautiful. okay. let me go look upthe information that i emailed you. sam: i can also look it up. liam: who is that guy and what is email? laura: yeah?
taliesin: doty's got email. matt: you are from the city of diastock,in the truscan empire of wildmount. sam: what he just said. laura: wildmount! you're from wildmount. taliesin: wildmount, fine. marisha: he's from dias-where? matt: diastock. marisha: diastock. matt: in the truscan empire
marisha: dia-- liam: stark. marisha: --stock. laura: wildmount, hm? marisha: truscan? laura: yeah. sam: have you been? laura: i haven't been no. liam: no we've not been.
sam: it's quite lovely. liam: yeah? sam: my family has quite a reputation there and ilive on a vast compound with beautiful orchards and-- marisha: wait! you're not related to thebriarwoods, are you? sam: i'm sorry, no, i don't know them. taliesin: he doesn't look like a briarwood. marisha: have you ever heard the name briarwoodbefore? sam: i have not, i'm sorry. is antlers okay overhere?
laura: she's quite all right. sam: all right. she seems a bit drunk already orsomething. laura: she always does. sam: all right. marisha: that's true. especially these days. liam: bring back the history lesson, though.so pampered, young, everything you could ever want-- sam: i wouldn't say pampered. all right? liam: those were my words. go on.
travis: huggies. sam: i had a normal upbringing. private tutors,classes-- laura: right, as you do. liam: same. same. laura: right. sam: i wandered through the halls of our extensivelibrary many nights. read many books about adventure-- travis: yes, keep going. sam: -- exploration, magic, alchemy--
liam: is that code for masturbating? sam: i mean... you know. taliesin: yes, yes it is. marisha: kind of sounds like your upbringing,percy. taliesin: yes, it was code for masturbating. sam: my family runs a very prosperous business,and yes, i have received some benefits from that. laura: mm-hm. sam: but i am a self-starter in my own mind and--
laura: oh god! taliesin: (yells) marisha: god! sam: i've gone out on my own to seek my fortune-- travis: oh god. the universe is collapsing. taliesin: we've lost liam. sam: -- and record my exploits. laura: did you purchase that armor all on your ownas well, or did mommy and daddy buy it for you? sam: i purchased it myself. with my money, that--
liam: bequeathed to you. sam: -- that i can withdraw once a month. taliesin: it is quite lovely. sam: but it is mine. laura: that's good. sam: it belongs to me. it's my birthright. travis: tary jumbo, do you have a most dangerousconquest in that book? that dotty has. sam: doty. i have a list of adventures that i amcurrently going through. laura: (quietly) he's such an ass.
sam: some of the adventures include: rescue amaiden-- travis: just any maiden? marisha: oh jeez. sam: transport a treasure. escort a muckety-muck.a revenge plot. a classic dungeon crawl. oh, this one i'm looking forward to! solving amysterious riddle. laura: ooh! sam: the old fashioned double-cross. teleport,haven't done that yet. sam: shopping mission, but really i can wait onthat one. sam: slay a dragon. and there's more, but the listis extensive and i'd like to conquer various
beasts, rescue different people, find differenttreasures. it's going to be quite an adventure. travis: shopping is not what it's cracked up tobe. you should just wipe it off the list right now. sam: shopping? travis: while we're watching. sam: it's low on the list. it's a low one. travis: you can just erase it. you'll be fine. sam: all right, i will. laura: it's funny, that whole list... it seemslike we've done all of it.
marisha: i know. taliesin: yeah. sam: have you? travis: several times. taliesin: oh yes. how many dragons now? liam: lost count. travis: hard to count. laura: five? six? something like that. sam: you haven't really, have you?
liam: yeah, we have. sam: an actual dragon? taliesin: several of them. liam: multiple dragons. laura: ancient dragons travis: dragons. sam: what was it like? laura: deadly. marisha: tary, do you feel like we look healthyand sane to you?
sam: i mean-- taliesin: don't hold back. marisha: it's fine, you can be honest. sam: healthy and sane? sam: you seem healthy. you certainly are deckedout in adventuring gear, which is quite attractive. sanity i can't be a good judge of yet,i just met you. you seem like lovely creatures. liam: how old are you, exactly? sam: i'm a young 28. liam: you and i are the same age.
sam: is that true? laura: it's weird, you look older, but you actyounger. sam: oh, that is strange. youthful exuberance,i suppose. laura: i suppose. sam: (hearty laugh) marisha: so, what do you hope to accomplish at theend of completing all these tasks, you know, slaying a dragon? what do you want in the otherend? sam: the other end will be my masterpiece,my book. doty has been very, very good about taking down all of my adventures and exploits,and at the end of it all... i know we just met,
but may i share with you some of my workingtitles? travis: please. taliesin: oh, please. laura: i would love to hear. travis: hold on. wait, one more! taliesin: another round, i've got it, i've gotit. matt: treev's already on it. treev is like, "oh,don't worry. i'm loving this." then he's just pouring all of you glasses and shoving themforward to you guys and crossing his arms. travis: maybe some meats too, if you have any.or cheeses.
matt: we ain't got meat. laura: i want to keep an eye-- i'm keeping an eyeout for any kind of questionable behavior. matt: all right, perception check. go ahead. laura: (quietly) god damn it. taliesin: that's a huge die you just rolled. laura: i know, right? travis: it's a newbie, it's a newbie. laura: 17. matt: okay, good to know. continue.
travis: which is why it screwed you. sam: maybe you fellows could help me pick a title.here's what i have so far. laura: i thought we already did, the daringadventures of-- taliesin: we talked about it briefly. sam: that was a good one, but i have some otherones. laura: all right. sam: tarry on with taryon darrington. the terrific and terrifying tales of daring taryon darrington-- taliesin: that's pretty good.
liam: that is all right. sam: fifty shades of tary. sam: bravado! the t. darrington story. laura: that one seems appropriate. sam: zen and the art of robot manservant repair. liam: no. no. thumbs down. sam: adventuring for dummies. taliesin: i feel like that's been done. sam: the things they tarried.
laura: oh. sam: the blond hair of courage. sam: the adventures of huckle-tary finn. sam: the odyssey. marisha: oh. laura: classic. travis: what? no! taliesin: seen it. sam: tary's daring do's and daring do-nots.dungeons and darringtons.
laura: oh, wow. travis: oh my god. sam: and this one just popped into my head:critical patrol. liam: i grab my sister by the arm, and i drag heroff the the side. what-- why are we doing this exactly? why are we bringing him with us,exactly? marisha: keyleth just gets a nosebleed, and she'snot sure why. laura: his money. liam: you think he can pay 50k an hour forrealsies? laura: hey, tary.
sam: hm? oi. laura: how much money do you have in your accountright now? sam: in my account? laura: in your account. sam: i would not care to say. we're in a publicplace. laura: you can whisper it in my ear. sam: (whispers) i would not care to say. laura: here's what i need to know. are you full ofshit and you don't actually have any money, or do you have enough to pay our fee?
sam: does this helmet look like it's somethingthat didn't cost a shit ton of money? laura: it looks like it did, but for all i knowyou spent all your money on it. sam: all right, well, if you don't want the money,we can break the contract right now, and i'll gomy way. laura: how about you just show me some money,and that way we can be sure. sam: all right, i will. come with me over to thecorner. travis: that's where the good stuff happens. taliesin: that was a nice little jerry maguirethere, especially considering the date. very appropriate.
travis: tavern corner. sam: are we away from--? matt: you guys have stepped away from the rest ofthe crowd, as you guys watch-- taliesin: i am watching this-- marisha: oh yeah. matt: tary kind of puts his arm on her shoulder-- laura: don't touch me. matt: leads her over to the corner. sam: i'll reach into my bag of holding
travis: (gasps) sam: and pull up just a handful of coin. matt: a nice fistful of pristine platinum piecesin his grip. laura: just a whole bag of that? i want to look atone. travis: yeah, insight check that money. sam: ding! laura: don't. flick. money at me. dear. if youwant to keep your hands. sam: i'm sorry, little-- laura: is this--?
matt: you hear the scratching sound of quill onparchment as doty has arrived behind you and is now currently cataloguing the entireconversation. laura: does it look real? matt: go ahead and make an investigation check. travis: fucking roll high. laura: i'm gonna use my gold dice for this.it makes sense. liam: oh, that was not good. laura: ah, fuckin' a. taliesin: yellow and black!
travis: that's not the cup of a carpenter. laura: that's only 15. matt: okay. you've seen quite a few gold,platinum pieces in your time. this seems fairly legit. matt: it seems like it's been minted recently,relative in the past maybe ten or so years. it has not seen a lot of antiquing across itssurface, and most of the coin is branded in a way that emanates from the truscan empire. it doesappear to have wildmount origin. laura: lovely. i believe you. congratulations onbeing born into privilege. sam: yes, well, i didn't choose to be, and i amtrying to lead my life honest and true, humble and
brave, every day of my life. and i thank you forallowing me to travel with you, and perhaps go on a mission? i mean, is this mission going to startat some point? laura: it was just completed, didn't you notice? sam: i'm sorry? laura: it happened right under your eyes.mysterious, isn't it? â and i walk away. marisha: it's true, she's actually very correct. travis: hey, percy. travis: we're not near them, right? taliesin: no.
travis: hey, hey. remember when we were atgreyskull keep, and we made all the guards, like,audition to be guards? taliesin: yes, that was quite a while ago. travis: what if we have an audition for taryjumbo? taliesin: it's not the most ridiculous thing i'veever heard. travis: i love it when i do that, right? taliesin: i know, it's quite good. let's finish upour business here. travis: we have business here? taliesin: well, i think we should--
marisha: does anyone not understand, we had amission here that we just completed? laura: we just did it! we completed it! marisha: we just did it! taliesin: we were also going to go to the ceruleantower and have a quick conversation. laura: yeah, no. we need to do that. taliesin: we need to do that. but we did justfinish a mission. marisha: wait, j'mon? taliesin: yes, we have to talk to-- marisha: i am not taking him to j'mon.
liam: that's probably wise. travis: you know, i can stand outside with him. marisha: we're like specially, you know, trained.and proven ourselves warriors. we got permission to see-- travis: how about i audition him outside,while you go have your convo? like, we make him beat somebody up or something. liam: yeah. laura: audition who? what are you talking about? travis: i'm saying we should, like,initiate ole tary j.
taliesin: like we did back at greyskull. laura: oh! travis: if that's what the letter that second wordstarts with. laura: (laughs) yeah, right. marisha: you did good, grog. laura: impressive. travis: yup. marisha: good job. laura: i thought you only learned gs.
travis: what? marisha: tary g. taliesin: our business concluded, we actually havesome business at the cerulean tower, so we should all, perhaps, head there at this point. sam: i... not to be a pest, but-- taliesin: too late, but yes? sam: i paid for adventure. taliesin: oh, we're heading-- there will beadventure. sam: okay.
laura: you didn't actually pay for anything.you haven't paid. sam: i understand. liam: and we also didn't offer access to everycontact and person that we know on this globe, all right? sam: understood. liam: you're a tag-along. sam: and happy to be one. travis: plus, these are several, subtle steps.we don't just chuck you in the furnace right away. we've got to temper you a bit.
sam: yeah. that makes total sense. travis: cool. marisha: besides, things just seem to happenaround us. taliesin: inevitably. marisha: so if you just hang out long enough, i'm sure someone's gonna want to beat our assover something. laura: like, most boring day ever now that tary'shere, we don't do anything fun at all. travis: set up a craft fair. taliesin: critical craft fair.
laura: we all sit down and start knitting. travis: i will kill myself. marisha: go to the post office. check our p.o.box. laura: (laughs) do some grocery shopping. taliesin: laundry. liam: vm accounting. taliesin: magazines. matt: if only. taliesin: so, yes. we would love to head in thatdirection.
travis: yeah! cinnamon tower! taliesin: that sounds weird. marisha: i want to live in that world! taliesin: i would also like to, quietly on theheadphone, i would really like to know where this machine comes from, because i'm finding it just abit creepy, and i would love to get that information out of him before he disappears. travis: how tall is it again? matt: it's roughly eight and a half feet tall. travis: so just a bit taller than me?
matt: a bit taller, yeah, i'd say a little largerthan that. travis: a head and a half? matt: it's kind of hunched forward as it walks,it probably could stand taller if it wanted to. travis: was he kind of like, fassbender size-ish,or? matt: not as broad. laura: fassbender was bigger, right? travis: okay. matt: it's tall, but it's kind of lanky in itsconstruction, and it seems to be thicker at the feet and the arms and fists, but the actualstructure itself is proportionally pretty thin.
travis: got it. it's groot. liam: hey, percy... taliesin: yes? liam: i faintly remember you talking about,you were talking to someone, i don't know who it was, but you were talking about plans you had forsort of a walking, automated something. am iimagining that? taliesin: i dabbled... no, i talked about it.it always just seemed so impractical. and now i'm looking at one, and i'm irritated. liam: yeah, i can see that.
marisha: irritated? or was inferior the word youwere looking for? taliesin: vexed. marisha: vexed, that's a good word. laura: it is a good word. travis: that's her name. liam: to be honest, you seem like you got yourgoolies burned there just from a conversation, a little bit. taliesin: he didn't build this thing, and i'mworried about who did. he didn't build this thing.
marisha: percy, taliesin: what? marisha: percy. liam: well, you're the expert. taliesin: no. yes. what? marisha: look, you can turn this to youradvantage. brain drain him for all the knowledge you can! taliesin: i think we've already done that. marisha: all right.
taliesin: i think that was an oyster we've alreadysupped upon. marisha: i trust your judgement. taliesin: ah yes, that got weird. i'm gonna flip on the cloak by the way, now thatwe are well out of that area. matt: okay. laura: is anyone following us from the scarbearers? matt: the eye that you have been keeping out,you don't notice anyone giving chase or following you. liam: walking with kelyeth.
you know i don't know anything about that shit,but in my experience talent and skill have nothing to do with whether you're a douchenozzleor not. he seems like a schmuck. marisha: oh, he's definitely a douchenozzle. marisha: (gasps) i think that's the first time isaid douchenozzle. taliesin: i think it actually is. liam: he called you 'antlers'. marisha: yeah he called you 'little elf-girl andlittle elf-boy'. i don't like him. liam: mm. marisha: what's wrong with my antlers?
liam: nothing at all marisha: i know my hair's shorter so it makes myantlers look bigger, which i was concerned about. liam: no, they're very attractive i'm sure youheard--- marisha: is it okay? liam: okay? it's your best feature. marisha: thanks? laura: i like your face more than your antlers,but both are nice, dear. liam: no, definitely the antlers. marisha: all right, you know what? let's move offthis conversation.
laura: i just wanted to ask tary. sam: oh, yes? laura: so your... doty? yes? marisha: dottie. laura: dottie, sorry. liam: duty. laura: duty. got it. does he fight or does he justwrite? sam: he does what i tell him to do. laura: is he competent in a battle?
sam: i would say so. laura: has he ever been in battle? sam: doty has been in a battle. laura: does he look like he has any battle scars? matt: glancing over and getting a quick look--make a perception check actually. laura: all right, just doing some-- travis: roll your new dice to redeem it for thatshit-- laura: (yells) travis: should have done it.
laura: no no no, at least it's not a one. 20. matt: okay, glancing over and giving a once overof the giant mechanical creature (footsteps) walking a few feet behind you,you can see there are a lot of signs of repair. you can see there are a lot of places where bitsof metal have been re-hammered. elements have been patched over, and additional layers of armor havebeen added to it. you do see what appear to be some scrapes and areas where it has sustainedvarious weapon attacks. that whole circumstance. it looks like it's seen some scuffles in it'stime. laura: duty looks... worn. laura: doty, my apologies. he looks worn.old, far older than your armor.
sam: that may be because in battle i am deft,fearless. travis: you're deaf? sam: no deft, with a t. i can dodge blowsuncannily. i can anticipate what my opponent is going to do ahead of time and dodge out of theway. laura: i can see that about you. sam: yes. laura: you seem very dexterous too. sam: i think i am. laura: yes. did doty raise you? is he like yournanny?
sam: no, he's a mechanical construct that i made,he did not-- laura: that you made when you were two? because helooks like he raised you. sam: doty did not raise me. he is a mechanicalconstruct that i built when i learned how. liam: does he cook? sam: he does not cook. liam: does he clean? sam: he could clean. i--- liam: keep you warm at night? sam: no, he's cold as ice.
laura: how old were you when you built him? sam: well i'm 28 now. laura: yes? sam: so that would have been 27. laura: he's a year old? sam: he's a year old. laura: and he only talks to you? sam: nope. he doesn't talk to me. laura: oh, he only listens to you.
sam: he's the best really. fearless, strong, big,and excellent penmanship. he's everything i could hope for in a friend. silent. marisha: were pen pals a thing for you? is thatwhy you like penmanship? sam: i mean, no. i don't think i ever had apenpal. marisha: no? did you have any friends? ever? liam: or siblings? sam: i had tutors. i had the best teachers.i had-- laura and marisha: aww... sam: --wonderful. no, no! don't 'aww'. they werewonderfully smart and engaging, but my best
friends were the books i read. liam: what were mom and dad like? sam: they're still alive. there's no were.they are wonderful people my father-- liam: i mean when you were a tyke. sam: (sighs) my father is a very talentedbusinessman. he can be hard at times. he has great expectations for everyone he meets. my mother is... a saint; she's perfect in everyway. she's a wonderful person and... yes. marisha: really? and they're still alive? weren'tkilled in some crazy raid, or... eaten by dragons or...fell in a pit of lava?
sam: no, they are eagerly awaiting me to arriveback at home and tell them tales of my journeys and adventures. liam: what is your father's business? sam: he is a businessman. liam: a businessman? is that a taboo subject withyou? sam: â no! not at all. it's just, i'm not sure howwell versed you are in financial transactions. liam: oh, fuck-all. i thought you couldgive me the layman's terms. sam: he is in real estate. he buys and sellsproperties, charges rent, taxes... liam: a land baron.
travis: so bored right now. sam: he owns a lot of things, places and makes alot of money off of these places. liam: interesting... interesting. travis: cinnamon tower. sam: i will be forthcoming with anything that youask me. i have nothing to hide. i come from money; this is clear. liam: can i insight check him on 'i havenothing'? matt: yeah, make an insight check. laura: aw.
liam: it's terrible, that's all right. laura: no, it's not! don't use luck! liam: you shush! laura: you can-- liam: i will use luck if i want to use luck! matt: hard to read. for many reasons! liam: i'll say! taliesin: i also want to take a good long look atrobot and see if i can-- this automaton. matt: â okay. investigation check.
taliesin: come on. (sighs) okay, 13. matt: what are you trying to ascertain about it? taliesin: how old it is, how it was built,where it was built. just to get a sense of it, like looking over a classic car. matt: best that you can tell from its constructionand your understanding, there is a lot of ingenuity in its design. but it is, it exists,and moves through a combination of decent engineering and enchantment. taliesin: oh thank god! okay, i feel better. matt: you can see very, very faint engravings ofvarious runic glyphs that are similar
some of the ones that you saw on-- taliesin: fassbender? matt: -- fassbender. taliesin: all right. i feel better already,thank you. ego restored. liam: (sings the legend of zelda 'item' tune) matt: you guys make your way to the sand heralddistrict and there you can see the distant towers of the cerulean place. the large central one thatleads up into the chamber of j'mon sa ord. as you approach the outside, you see the familiarfaces and armor of the hands of ord there, guarding the exterior of the palace walls.as you approach, one of the guards steps up with
their same kind of brass and sapphire emblazonedarmor, and one of them approaches and steps forward. "i'm sorry. do you have business at the palace?" laura: yes. question: the symbol?â scanlan? liam: scanlan had it... laura: that's what i thought. travis: oh, fucking shit. marisha: i thought we got it back, though. laura: did he give back to us or did he not?
marisha: wait, no. are we talking about theflute? liam: no, there was a symbol. laura: remember the symbol that had-- liam: j'mon's symbol to show to all friends. taliesin:i think he still has the symbol,doesn't he? marisha: i have his flute because i picked it uplast. laura: yeah, that doesn't have his symbol on itthough. liam: that's not the same thing. taliesin: we do bring news though, so...
marisha: fuck! liam: we are friends to-- the man on top.j'mon, i misspoke. laura: j'mon sa ord. marisha: we need to speak with him. liam: vox machina is here, he knows us. marisha: and return this: i show the flute.maybe they'll recognize it? matt: â the guard takes the flute and-- marisha: i take it and i dust the ash and drug useoff of it. and then-- matt: the guard takes it and looks at it, confused.
"please to be patient, for just a moment." laura: of course, be pleased! matt: "be pleased." turns around and walks back up the stairs,the front of the palace, and enters through one of the side doorways. about two, three minutes pass. the guards just keep a view out, and theneventually you see an older woman in familiar ceremonial robes exit from the doorway that theguard went into. this is the grand maven, gameshega, who you met and escorted you up intothe palace originally. she walks up with her bracelets still jingling as she steps down thestairs, her long robes trailing behind her a good
like two-three feet. her headdress still haslittle brass quills that streak down, past her shoulders into her mid-back, and as she steps up: "it is good to see all of you once more. "i do not believe we have met, i'm sorry,what is your name?" sam: taryon darrington. nice to meet you.be pleased. matt: taryon darrington, friend of vox machina,it is a pleasure to make your acquaintance. so j'mon would like to extend their greetings toall of you, and respect in the wake of the news of thedestruction of the conclave. you've aided in closing a far too lingeringchapter in the history of marquet and the ruin of
the cinder king. thank you. sam: you're welcome. taliesin: we wanted to make sure that they wereaware that all of the dragons had been dealt with, and that the conclave had been completelyvanquished. matt: this information did make it to the ears ofj'mon. taliesin: excellent. and we thank you for your time. matt: of course. anything else? laura: um. marisha: i guess not?
laura: well, could i take you aside for amoment? matt: "of course, my dear." and she walks alongside you as you pull her off alittle bit. laura: we have in our service, in emon, awonderful man, who has been of great aid in battling the conclave as well, and we learnedrecently that he was expelled from marquet due to crimes in his youth and was wondering if wecould maybe speak in his name and his regard, to you, to clear his name? matt: i can see what i can do. what is the nameof this gentleman? laura: jarett. his last name?
liam: serpersveshzhg? sam: anderson? marisha: howarth. laura: jarett... marisha: howarth. howarth. matt: there you go. laura: jarett howorth? laura: jarett howarth. sam: you have his name?
laura: of course she does, because she takeskiller notes. sam: holy bajoly! taliesin: she writes everything down. sam: i didn't know that he had a name! matt: jarrett howarth. laura: yes. matt: okay. i will go and take this into thearchives, discover and see what can be done. laura: thank you so much. if you find outanything, will you please send word? matt: yes, should we be sending it to emon aswell?
laura: if you could, send it to whitestone? matt: to whitestone? laura: that would be wonderful. matt: okay. very well.we have not sent anything to whitestone before. we will find a way to do so. laura: it's an up and coming city. very prominenton tal'dorei. taliesin: it's on the move. laura: it's on the move. liam: would you send j'mon, would you sendthem our thanks?
matt: i will do this. i apologize, j'mon is notcurrently taking audiences. laura: totally fine. matt: but i will continue to pass this word ontothem. laura: thank you so much. matt: thank you very much. and good day! bepleased. laura: be pleased. travis: beep-beep! matt: as the grand maven turns around and headsback up the stairs, the guards take their place and the palace is at rest.
laura: welp. travis: he must be sick. laura: probably. taliesin: the flu, perhaps. marisha: it's been going around. laura: lots of travel happening. happens when youtravel, i hear. marisha: it's true, yeah. anytime you fly. taliesin: so i think that concludes this littlejaunt, it might be back home now. laura: oh jeez.
travis: well, i think it's about time that we seewhat tary jumbo's worth. travis: one of your things on your list, right,it was to get in a kerfuffle? sam: there's no kerfuffle on the list-- travis: riff-ram, bah-zhu. sam: --but we are going to have an adventure,is that right? laura: so many. sam: at some point? taliesin: oh yes. laura: all of them.
liam: buddy boy, you're buying in for shit you'renot really ready for, yes. travis: we gotta know how-- sam: so far, we've delivered a dead body part tosomeone, and had a brief conversation with a guard. taliesin: it's only been two hours. sam: is this what you all are about? liam: we're gonna take a little time for a day.and then we're gonna take you to hell. liam: how does that sound? sam: are you speaking metaphorically?
travis: no, no, literally hell. taliesin: no, we're going to hell. travis: there's like seven or eleven of them. liam: wow. travis: are those together? close? laura: very big numbers, grog. liam: sure. taliesin: we're taking this one to hell then? marisha: might be a good trial run.
liam: i don't know. do you want to put him throughhis paces? travis: yeah, i think so. marisha: i want to save traveling the ozmit seaand heading to the water ashari for when pike is back. marisha: so, yeah. liam: yeah. let's take this fucker to hell. sam: i don't know what you're talking about. marisha: no, we're speaking insanely literallyright now. that's what's impressive about it. sam: i...
liam: we are going to hell. liam: and you are coming along. marisha: and we're taking you with us. laura: shouldn't we see him fight first? liam: yeah, well, let's bring him home. laura: i'd hate for him to die immediately. liam: yeah, we want grog to run him out like alabrador. travis: do i see any large, intimidating lookingcreatures just walking around where we are at the moment?
laura: no, not in the city, grog. travis: i'm not talking to you. matt: make a perception check. liam: he only has to listen to you at home. laura: i know. travis: 12. matt: uh, best that you can tell here in the sandherald district, no. most everyone who wanders around here are of noble dress or part of the handof ord. travis: you see that fruit merchant over there?
travis: killed many, many people. sam: oh, well maybe i should pay him to take me onan adventure because jesus christ. this is about as fucking boring as i can get. travis: i might just hit him. i might just attackhim. laura: hey! you know what you can cross off yourlist? teleportation, because that's what we'reabout to do. sam: no, really? laura: oh yeah. marisha: it's true.
sam: it's on my list; it's literally on my list. marisha: wait what? all right, let's go. sam: all right, all right, all right! finallygetting my money's worth. marisha: so we're going back to whitestone? taliesin: yes, whitestone. liam: yes, get your big boy pants on, ermergerd. sam: it's taryon! marisha: come on, doodee. matt: all right, as you find a familiar tree youcan utilize to transport over to whitestone,
tary you watch as the center of this tree's trunksuddenly seems to split open with divine energy. sam: cool. matt: on the opposite side, you watch this tunnelprogress about four or five feet within where it just looks like the striations of the interior ofthe tree trunk before it emerges on the other side into another town square currently in the middleof an evening. sam: doty, take this down. as the tree split infront of me-- taliesin: i shove him through. sam: ahhh! marisha: you have six seconds!
matt: as you all tumble through the transport viaplants spell, you all emerge on the opposite side of the sun tree in the center of whitestone'scourtyard. what do you wish to do? sam: oh my. oh my gods. where are we? what's goingon? â what happened? where am i? is this a fantasy world? what happened? marisha: are you feeling nauseous? liam: whack! sam: ahh! taliesin: how about now? sam: wow! that was exhilarating! it's like my bodyfell apart and came back together again!
laura: that's exactly what it was like. sam: it was amazing! liam: i've never had that. laura: or it was like walking forward. liam: yeah. i've never had that sensation everbefore. ever. sam: i felt a great force behind me, pushing meforward! and then all of a sudden i opened my eyes and was in a new place. doty, take this down.today is the greatest day of taryon darrington's life. the day that he experienced the wonder ofthe gods. that's enough for now. marisha: oh my god, did you guys hear that? hethinks i'm a god. doucher!
travis: douchenozzle. marisha: douchenozzle, that's right! that's whatit was. sorry, i'm just learning it. laura: what time is it here? matt: technically now that i think about it,it would still be day, because you guys left in the morning to ank'harel, and you've been therefor a few hours, so it's early afternoon at this point. laura: okay. oh, fabulous. all right. travis: so we're back on home turf, right? liam: yeah, we're going to take this guy to afield and kick his ass,
or what are we going to do? travis: yeah, i kind of want to. laura: oh, can i go find jarett really fast? matt: yeah, it's easy enough to find. you headdown to where the makeshift garrison, which has now seen reconstruction, actually being turnedinto a decent functional garrison within the town itself. a lot of the guards are out there runningthrough their drills for the afternoon, and you can see jarrett is in the process of running themthrough what looks like ranged combat training. as you approach,jarett looks over and watches you walking up from a distance and kind of gives a wave,
"hello!" laura: hi. matt: "so, everything seems to be in order here.i have to say, i am very glad to know that we "have no more dragons for quite some time." and you see he's recovering; he's healing,but there is noticeable scarring on the side of his neck. and it looks like he's going through theprocess of recovering from the thordak battle, but he's doing much better than the last time yousaw him. laura: how are you mentally? matt: to be perfectly honest, very happy to notbe anywhere near that terrible city. i never
thought i had the sense for the slower parts ofthe countryside, but i don't know; i've come to like it here in whitestone. laura: it is quite nice. well, you're welcome tostay. matt: well, i was intending to. laura: we are planning to rebuild our home in emonas well. matt: yes, yes. laura: so it's up to you where you'd like to be. matt: really, you employ me so it is more up toyou, but i kind of like the change in temperature. laura: i do too.
matt: bit chillier up here, north. laura: well, in case you're wondering, we justcame from marquet. matt: oh? laura: where we spoke with the grand maven? matt: right? laura: of j'mon sa ord. spoke very highly of youand she's working on getting your name cleared. matt: really? laura: well, she said she would. i don't know whatyou did, dear, but hopefully it wasn't anything too terrible.
liam: serial killer. matt: he doesn't look nervous at all, he lookselated and is like, "well, thank you. i hope that comes to a fruitfulend. i've been living here long enough where it's "not a huge deal to me, but it would be nice tooccasionally return--" laura: see home? matt: yeah. you know. laura: that's nice. matt: thank you, i appreciate that. laura: of course. and you may not have heard,but our resident bard has left us. possibly for
the time being, possibly for more. so you won't beseeing his face around here. matt: i am sorry to hear that. laura: i only tell you because i saw you speakingwith him several times and thought you might want to know. matt: this is good to know. well, i look forwardto his return. that being the case, can i ask a favor of you? laura: of course. matt: "could you hold this?" and he reaches back and pulls out a small pouchand puts it in your hand.
"i don't feel comfortable holding on to this." laura: what is it? matt: it was requested by your small bard friendand i probably should not have it on my person. laura: requested? laura: what is it? components of a potion? idon't... matt: one that you should not probably drink. laura: what is it, jarrett? matt: it's suude. it's illegal. you should not--it is dangerous. laura: it's drugs?
matt: yes! yes it is! let's talk about it infront of everyone i'm training! yes, thank you! laura: i put it in my pocket. matt: don't do drugs! laura: don't do drugs! scanlan was doing drugs? jarett, you sold scanlandrugs? matt: no, i procured them for him at hisrequest. laura: is this why you were expelled frommarquet? matt: (unconvincingly) no. matt: there are a number of reasons.
laura: how long have you been providing this tohim? matt: this was only the second. i did not want todo this! he is a very convincing person and looked like he was going through a hard time. laura: yes, he is. matt: and look, i understand that, and i warnedhim. he knew full well the dangers involved; he's a much stronger man than i am. who was i to tellhim this? and he's very persuasive. laura: he is. when was the first time you gave itto him? matt: not more than maybe a week or two ago? laura: thank you. thank you for giving them tome.
matt: yes, it was burning a hole in my pocket.and i don't want to hold onto it. laura: i understand. matt: sorry. laura: i appreciate your service, jarrett. matt: i appreciate your understanding. laura: get better. keep training. matt: yes, i should do that. matt: he turns around, "you lot heard nothing! nock your crossbows,nock--"
(whack) and slaps one guy on the back of the head. "all right. focus up, on the targets," and you hear him begin taking a few volleys off inthe distance as you walk your way back to the castle. the rest of you, as you walk throughwhitestone, taryon, you watch this beautiful, wonderfully slightly backwards city-- taliesin: hey! okay... sam: it's amazing. matt: it's charming.
sam: yes, quaint really. matt: yeah! and there's a castle. they have acastle! sam: tourists must love it here. taliesin: we do quite well... in the on season. marisha: yeah, yeah. in years ago. travis: do you mind if you come to the outskirtsof the city with us? sam: i literally know nothing about this city. travis: great, yeah, come with us. just vax knowsthe way, vax will you... you know? the spot? liam: the beautiful parts of the city, actually,are the countryside,
the woods around. it's drab in the middle. travis: yeah, it's out there. liam: and adventure you shall have, my friend. travis: so can we find our way to like a fairlyopen and not populated part of whitestone? matt: yeah. your best bet, at this point,would be to make your way to the unclaimed gardens in the back of the castle. taliesin: i was going to say. marisha: castle courtyards. matt: for awhile there was no greenery back there.the processing and disposing of the excess acids
lead to the green fume that was billowing behindthe castle when you first arrived here and destroyed most of the plant life. through your aidand the people who kept the castle, those have been filled in and it looks like the castlegrounds are starting to recover. there is now a fresh growing season of green back there,and that is closed off. it is protected. there are guards around and it is away from thegeneral populace of whitestone. travis: nice. this looks like a great place.now, if you want your first taste of adventure, you need to bring dottie and come over here. travis: i have to whisper it because it's verysecret. sam: four-eyes, shall i trust jumbo here becausehe seems a bit shady.
taliesin: yes, no, you should trust him with yourlife. he's very trustworthy. sam: i will roll an insight check. liam: grog and i are just waiting. sam: what do i add to it? matt: your insight skill. sam: oh yeah, that. i have forgotten how to playdungeons and dragons. 18. matt: travis, i would like you to roll adeception. taliesin: wait, is it travis or is it me? laura: is it deception?
matt: oh wait, no, it's from you, sorry.yeah, this is percival, technically. taliesin: oh shit. matt: it's kind of both of you. travis: bitch! i rolled a 17. liam: so percy at advantage then, right? marisha: you can trust grog for some things. laura: you can! sam: go on! travis: plus i do want to take him on anadventure.
laura: i feel like grog is getting far moretrustworthy. marisha: i agree! taliesin: 12. matt: you get the sense that maybe not all theinformation is there. taliesin: it's not a lie. matt: it's not a lie, but it's definitely-- itspeaks of a half truth. sam: what's going on out here? travis: secret stuff. are you ready? sam: for what?
travis: where's dottie? sam: doty. he's right behind me, as he always is. travis: nice. so put out your hand like this. sam: what's going to happen? travis: and take your other hand, and you eithermake a boulder, a piece of paper, or a pair of shears. right? and we do it on three. taliesin: to be perfectly honest, i'm not entirelysure what's happening either. marisha: you've never played boulder, paper,shears?! sam: that's the best thing you've ever said,marisha.
taliesin: that just went right up my nose.it burns. that is not pleasant. sam: of course i've played boulder, paper,shears. travis: great, great. it's just to see who goesfirst. ready? sam: one, two, three-- travis: and on the third one, i cast enlarge withthe titanstone knuckles, liam: and i sneak attack ermergerd. travis: and i smack doty. sam: fuck, i'm dead. liam: pommel side, pommel side! i'm gonna kynanhim.
matt: okay, and you're going after doty. matt: with just your hands? travis: yeah, just a backhand. matt: okay, both you guys roll attack. laura: oh my gosh! taliesin: boulder, paper, shears-- boulder,parchment, shears. marisha: boulder, parchment, shears. travis: 24. liam: natural 20!
laura: why do you want a natural 20?! you're goingto kill him! taliesin: no, no. liam: not with the pommel side, man! matt: okay, go ahead and do your sneak attackdamage. marisha: non-lethal. liam: thank you. matt: and double it cause you rolled a natural 20. you, go ahead and roll for the backhand, it's one-- sam: i will be dead.
travis: it's four, right? matt: it's just a backhand. i would say it's onedamage plus your strength modifier. taliesin: "vax, where'd you get that amazing armor?" travis: eight, so nine? matt: okay, so nine damage. travis: my strength modifier is eight. matt: yeah, so it'd be nine. sam: doty is going to use his reaction to attackvax. matt: okay, yes.
sam: right? because when attacked within fivefeet of me, he gets to react? matt: yep. taliesin: what?! sam: to defend me? or to attack? matt: to attack the person who attacked you. travis: see, this is a real good way to figureshit out. taliesin: i'm already excited by this. laura: this is true! this is smart. travis: thanks.
laura: you're so smart! matt: after this round, actually, for the tensionbasis of this and for the arrangement for the circumstance, i'm going to take a break,and then come back to this, so we can give this the real feel you want to. so after this round.all right, so after-- okay, so you do seven damage,you backhand doty (impact sound)-- travis: nine! nine damage, yeah. matt: -- and the head turns to the side.the tome falls to the ground, open on the ground so the pages fold a little bit, and the metalliccreature (shifting metal) back to you, stands up, and now goes a full six inchestaller than you, and then rears back with its
fist, and right as it's about to swing, it seesfrom behind vax creep up and hit-- how much damage? liam: 86. matt: 86 points of damage. sam: 86 to me? liam: yes. sam: great. great. travis: plus i'm enlarged, so i am probably tallerthan doty now. matt: actually, that's right, yeah, so even atyour enlarged height, you're still probably a good
foot and a half, two feet larger than doty. travis: let's say i hit him, he looks back,and he's looking at my nipples. laura: oh, that's cool. matt: yeah, there you go. as you're growing(robotic motion noises)-- travis: what happened? matt: goes to punch towards you, however out ofthe corner of doty's eye, sees this half-elf show up and whack him right square in the center of theneck and spinal column and then the fist just goes wide and slams toward you. that is going to be a23 to hit. liam: hits.
matt: you suffer... ooh! 16 points of bludgeoningdamage. matt: as the giant iron fist of doty just (whack)clangs into the back of your head and part of your ear and you feel the ringing in your skull fromthe impact. liam: mm-hm. matt: you, taryon, fall to your knees-- sam: (pained grunt) matt: -- and find a large portion of yourvitality and breath and just general awareness knocked out of you from from one singular blowfrom nowhere. your eyes go white for a second-- sam: this is the sound that i make. (high pitchedgoat-like yelps)
travis: that's a wuss panic. sam: do i get a shot? matt: that was the surprise round, because youwere not aware of this circumstance. we're going to continue combat after this break. (cheers and laughter) marisha: i'm getting in on this! liam: it was his idea! matt: oh yeah. just so you're aware, everyonewho's watching, you just watched your boyfriend cold-cock an innocent person.
marisha: i watched him walk up behind him and doit. i knew what he was doing. matt: all right, just so you're aware. all rightguys-- marisha: this is a part of our vox machina hazing.this is what we do! matt: this is pretty fucked up, you guys. taliesin: so fucked up! matt: all right, we'll come back in a few minutesafter we take a quick break to continue this combat. we'll see you here shortly. [break] matt: hello everyone and welcome back to criticalrole. so, last we left off, in the middle of the
whitestone courtyard, two members of vox machinadecided, as part of the hazing process, to assault our new temporary party member. taliesin: (laughs) when you put it like that. travis: how about test? liam: this is literally the third time we havedone this. matt: i know! i'm not surprised by any of you.it's just-- oh no, i am surprised, i wasn't expecting it, but it makes sense. marisha: wow, it sounds like us last week. matt: yeah, exactly.
laura: hey! travis: or every week. matt: that being the case, anyone who cares to getinvolved in this, i need you to roll initiative. taliesin: in. marisha: in. laura: am i there? sam: wait, you guys are all doing this to me? taliesin: no, i want to be in initiative just tomake sure that i can actually make sure that-- marisha: i want to make decisions.
matt: would you have gone with him,or would you have stayed back? laura: well, i was coming from talking to jarrettso, it's up to you if i'm there yet. matt: so yeah, you wouldn't be there actually,yeah. laura: am i walking up as it's happening? matt: you will be walking up towards the castle. liam: this was a-- travis: yeah, this was a tweedledee andtweedledum. liam: -- grog whispering to vax thing,on a walk. matt: so. there is no percival, no keyleth in,but you guys were--
taliesin: oh, i'm in! marisha: no, i'm in. matt: okay. percival's in, yeah, they're there. liam: yeah, we're not trying try to ditch them.i'm just saying. it wasn't an announced thing. matt: yeah, so vex is the only one who's not there. okay, so, for those who are present and wish to be part of this: roll initiative. what have we got? so we have... sam: eight. travis: (laughs) sam: (choking noise)
taliesin: 25. sam: you shouldn't bother. it's over! marisha: 16. liam: (choking noise) big 11. travis: 18. matt: okay, percival, you're up first. as you watchgrog backhand this mechanical entity in the face, while vax appears from the shadows and just beans the back of taryon across the center of the neck and spinal column-- sam: (muffled scream)
matt: -- and he falls to his knee making thishorrible, horrible sound. liam: (laughs) that's my friend. taliesin: come on man, pick it up, pick it up! ijust draw my sword and stand on the sidelines, preparing for whatever is about to happen. sam: (gasping for breath) matt: okay. grog. travis: did doty go down or-- no, he just stoodthere looking at me afterwards, right? matt: yeah. doty just (twang), and looked back atyou slowly. travis: right. where is--
matt: unblinking mechanical face. travis: where is tary jumbo? matt: right here, about five feet from you. travis: i look at him. sam: (whimpers) travis: i hold up my hand and say: show me whatyou have learned matt: that's all you do? travis: that's it. matt: okay, that's grog's turn. keyleth.
marisha: okay, first and foremost i'm going tocreate a windwall, around us, like an arena. matt: like an arena. marisha: (wind swirling) and then i'mgonna-- matt: suddenly, the wind kicks up around (heavy wind). the leaves and various fallen parts of the greenery around here kick up into thistorrent around you, as the wind is now creating a barrier around the battlefield. marisha: yeah, i turn to percy and i say: man,you know, i almost feel bad for the guy. sam: (gasps loudly) taliesin: give him a boost.
marisha: should i give him a boost? marisha: should we give him an incentive? taliesin: nah. marisha: all right, we'll start with a boost.and i give him a healing word. matt: okay, what level? marisha: we'll give him a level two. matt: level two, all right. 2d4 plus six. marisha: i guess you're worth it. oh, you got reallucky tary. i got a four and a three, which adds to be seven. plus...
matt: plus six for your wisdom, so it's 13. marisha: 13 points. and then i say: come on,tary! sam: (high-pitched) what? who said that? why isthe wind blowing? matt: vax, what are you doing? liam: i bring my hand around the back of his head,and i'm gonna use my action to cast lay on hands and dump all 15 hit points into the back of hishead. then i'm going to use disengage and hop back away from him and say-- oh, no! before i hop backand say: we are a bunch of fucking assholes and this is all you are going to get with us.are you sure? and then use disengage to roll back.
matt: all right. and you move back away from him? liam: yeah, but i have my movement plus-- yes,back. matt: how far? liam: 30 feet. matt: 30 feet. matt: all righty. yep, okay. that ends your turn.taryon. what do you wish to do? travis: first time. sam: hands shaking, body quivering, bloodeverywhere. liam: no, no, no--
matt: no, out of the nose. liam: you have a massive headache. matt: you did 88 damage to him frombehind with the back of your dagger. there is blood out of his nose, out of his ears. liam: i just wanted to get him to unconscious.if i'm not a master assassin-- laura: nope. liam: how can i not go (thu-kunk) and not-- marisha: you at least split his head. travis: he has weak capillaries.
matt: understand, you critically hit him frombehind to do 88 points of damage. liam: right. matt: that would have killed a regular humanbeing. liam: right, right. matt: or at least have put them in a-- he's notlike, bleeding out. liam: okay. matt: but he looks rough. liam: did i make it clear that i was trying to dothis to sam and not tary? matt: no. sam, what are you doing?
sam: i-- i, shit, well grog gets an attack,but i'm going to-- matt: actually, grog is not directly in a meleewith you, so grog does not. sam: oh, i'm going to counter clockwise arounddoty, all the way round. matt: all the way around to here? sam: yeah, yeah. all the way round, yeah.so i'm facing grog and the others, in a sort of a cone pattern. and i fumble, i'm fumbling on thehelmet, trying to find the right gem to pull out. and i pull out a diamond. and i pluck it out ofthe helmet and i go (screams). and i will cast prismatic spray. taliesin: yeah!
laura: oh shit! matt: so just past doty, (whoosh), as a familiar,and previously prevented, blast of rainbow arcane energy comes shooting forth from taryon's hand.hitting grog, keyleth and percival. taliesin: yep. matt: i need you all to make a dexterity savingthrow. travis: awesome. taliesin: i get advantage on that. matt: you do, because of your cloak. taliesin: it's a-- what saving throw? i'm sosorry.
matt: what's the dc on that? sam: oh! on me? matt: yes, on the helmet. sam: the helm is 18. travis: 13. marisha: 23. sam: wow. taliesin: 20. sam: wow, guys.
matt: okay, so. both of you guys halve the damage.grog does not. travis: gimme what you got. liam & marisha: show me what you got! taliesin: i'm going to use my reaction to swallowpart of the spell, so i'm going to take half damage of his half damage. matt: okay, got you. i'm going to go ahead and dothis. marisha: can you do the chargey thing? taliesin: mm-hm. but i'm fully charged. marisha: oh, that's cool. that's cool.
taliesin: i can use this as long as i have areaction. marisha: right. sam: do i roll? do you roll? matt: actually, you get to roll. if you want to.so it's 10d6 damage. sam: maybe you should roll. matt: okay, i did roll for that one. sam: oh, okay. matt: just in case, so-- sam: 10d6 what damage?
matt: i'm gonna figure that out here in just aminute. taliesin: i'm so excited. matt: 41 damage, however, against you, percy. marisha: if you've vaporized me, i'm going to bereal pissed. matt: that is 41 points of poison damage to you. taliesin: halved. matt: reduced to 20, reduced to ten. taliesin: to ten. matt: and your charges are still full,regardless.
matt: keyleth. matt: you take 41 points of fire damage,halved to 20. so, 20 points of fire damage as the red beam hits you and the flames just burn across.the front of your hair blown back from the blast of the heat. percival, you feel the sickly ray ofthe poison splatter past and cover your skin with this semi-translucent poisonous liquid. grog,you take 41 points of cold damage. travis: i have resistance, with my new exaltedknuckles. matt: you do. so, you take 20 points of colddamage from that. travis: thank you. matt: so, the beam subsides and you see them allblasted with it, but they're still standing.
sam: (gasps) matt: perturbed by it. sam: how are they still alive? matt: and doty's at the ready, (metalhitting metal) what do you want doty to do? marisha: new kid's got game. sam: well, first of all, as my bonus action,i will cast sanctuary on myself. marisha: what the fuck is that? travis: what is that? sam: it protects me from things.
sam: like a lot. travis: we'll see. matt: (laughing) yeah, i love it. travis: that's a new one right? we haven't come upagainst that before. sam: they're all new, friend. matt: all right, so sanctuary on you, and what doyou want to tell doty to do? sam: doty, i will say, (gasping for breath) doty,save me... save me! hit the big guy! matt: (metal grinding and a heavy forceswinging) and is going to go in for ... the giant fist hit towards you.that is going to be a 17 to hit. what's your ac?
travis: that is my ac. matt: all right, that hits. and then, after thefist comes back and smacks you in the face, across the jaw, for nine plus five-- 14 points ofbludgeoning damage. travis: beautiful. matt: the hand grabs the front your clavicle,pulls back, and attempts to headbutt you. that's a natural 20. travis: nice. i love it. marisha: yeah? yeah. matt: that is 14-- that is 19 points ofbludgeoning damage.
so, halved to nine. liam: that's terrible. travis: i'm not raging. matt: that's right! so-- travis: 19 points of bludgeoning damage. matt: yeah, so 19 points of bludgeoning damage.as doty just (clang) slams you right in the middle of the face. you feel the nose kinda (cracking noise) from thebreak, and the blood getting gushed from your nostrils. from the headbutt.
travis: nice. matt: all right, that ends doty's turn.sanctuary's on you. next up, top of the round, percival. taliesin: mm. marisha: yeah, that prismatic spray wasimpressive. taliesin: that was very impressive, yes. marisha: what are you gonna do? taliesin: i don't know. i think i'm just gonnaenjoy watching this for a minute. taliesin: i'm gonna hold my attack. until he pullsout another object. of any kind.
matt: okay, so you're holding until he fiddleswith an object. matt: okay. that brings it to grog. travis: right. that was a pretty good hit,and now i'm angry. and i rage. sam: i'm dead. matt: bonus action, rage. travis: and i walk up so i am within melee--actually, i'll go opposite... yeah, on the other side of tary from doty. sam: i don't attack of opportunity, do i? travis: no, no, i wanna be on tary, opposite of--
matt: you weren't in combat with him. sam: got it. travis: yeah, no, i wanna be-- i wanna put tarybetween me and the big robot. matt: oh i see. so you go this way. matt: okay. great. i will say doty does get anattack of opportunity on you. travis: yep. matt: as you pull out of the way. that is a nine.that does not hit you. matt: (whoosh) just too slow, and too wide as therage kinda instills you with adrenaline, and you dodge past.
sam: dammit, doty, do better! matt: all right. travis: and as i look down, dribbling out of mymouth, i say, is that it? and that's my turn. laura: oh, god. sam: what? you're not gonna kill me? matt: that's your turn? matt: okay. keyleth. marisha: (sighs) should i make this moreinteresting? what haven't we tested yet? we haven't really seen him dodge yet, right?
taliesin: i think we should see him dodge. marisha: see how well he can dodge. and i throw afireball. (explosion) laura: (gasps) marisha: right next to tary. matt: next to tary? okay. marisha: i don't wanna mess up grog. just tary anddoty. matt: okay, make a wisdom saving throw. liam: whoa. marisha: make a wisdom saving throw?
marisha: why? because... travis: because he asked you to. matt: make a wisdom saving throw. liam: you find out afterwards. marisha: the fuck did you do? sam: i got tricks. travis: sanctuary. marisha: i got-- oh, sanctuary. against spells?even though this is an aoe? travis: what's an aoe?
matt: any attack or spell that targets the wardedcreature with an attack, so yes. marisha: any attack or spell. all right.so, let's roll this one. not great. that's not great, but luckily i got really high wisdom.so, 18. matt: what's your spell dc, tary? sam: my spell dc? is 17. matt: okay, so yeah. go ahead and roll yourfireball damage. tary, i'm gonna need you to make a dexterity saving throw. liam: oh my god. marisha: ow, jeez, oh my god. there's like-- therewas like a little twinge.
taliesin: you should have vax work that out,later. marisha: i think i was-- no, it's this guy. sam: what do i do? matt: dexterity saving throw, please. sam: oh, that's not gonna go well. taliesin: no, you should get someone to work onthat. marisha: i think it's tary. sam: yeah, that's an 11. matt: okay, go ahead and roll damage if you don'tmind, keyleth.
liam: oh my god, he is hanging on by a thread. travis: this is amazing. marisha: wait, where's my-- who stole my book? sam: i have your book. marisha: fireball! sam: but i need it more than you, you getnothing! marisha: i need to know what fireball does. matt: (laughs) 8d6 points of damage. marisha: what is it?
matt: 8d6 points of fire damage. sam: oh my god. marisha: 8d6? marisha: i got it. one-- one, two... laura: where am i on my walk up? can i hear thisgoing on? marisha: seven. matt: you hear the distant-- as you're walking uptowards the front of the castle, you see, suddenly, this blast of multicolored arcaneenergy just, (shhhh) out from over the castle wall.
laura: take off running. matt: you start running. through the castle? laura: as fast as i can get there-- the way i knowto get there the-- laura: would it be faster to go up-- broom up andover? into the courtyard. matt: probably, otherwise you'd-- laura: let's do that. matt: okay so you immediately take the broom,slam it under, and begin flying at dash speed. it'll still take you a couple rounds to getthere. laura: okay.
matt: and as you begin to crest up you see a fieryexplosion in the middle of the courtyard, now. laura: i make sure i take off my hat. marisha: 34 damage. so he did not dodge, though,right? matt: no, so it's 34 points of fire damage. sam: yeah. taliesin: you're still ... matt: vax! sam: alive? taliesin: you're still alive.
matt: it is your turn. liam: i take both daggers and i shove them in mybelt, and i start circling down-- i'm looking at the map-- yeah, that way, and just start talking.tary. tary. sam: who's talking?! liam: it's the elf boy. this is what we do,this is what we're gonna be facing, all right? guys, we're fine, we're fine, that's enough. marisha: you sure? liam: are you sure you want to play with us?because we're going somewhere very dangerous very soon, and they did not play nicely with me.we're about to go to hell
with someone who did not deal fairly with me. taliesin: several of us have already died. marisha: i drop the wind wall. matt: and as you come up over the outsideperimeter wall of castle whitestone, you watch as the wind that is whipping around slowly subsides,and there in the center of the courtyard, you see the rest of your friends encirclingtaryon darrington, who is currently on one knee almost, and looks a little worse for wear. liam: you can come along, and buddy, let me tellyou something, if we get in the middle of the shit, i will protect you, but it is going to berough. and they're not going to call off their
attack like we are. are you sure you want to writethis book and come with us? laura: can i cannonball trinket into the middle ofit? matt: sure. in the middle of this conversation,you watch, out of the corner of your eye, taryon-- laura: not at taryon, at my party. matt: i know, but he looks over, because they'reall facing him, and he looks up and sees you arcing over the top of the wall, and suddenlythere's a flash of dark energy and a large bear, an armored bear, rolls out and just breaks intothe center of everyone here as taryon's pulling back, and now roars.
sam: (yells) laura: what the fuck is happening? i step away forfive seconds and everybody's at war. marisha: no, no, this isn't war. travis: yeah, we're playing. marisha: this is great, we were just giving him alittle trial run. isn't that right, tary? isn't this great? sam: no, this is not good. marisha: he's fine. liam: are you changing your mind?
sam: i can't do this. i can't do any of this.i'm sorry. liam: oh, wow. sam: i'm not a real adventurer. that was a story itold you. i know it was very convincing, but i haven't been on any real adventures, ever,and-- marisha: we knew that as soon as you said youwanted to rescue a damsel. sam: i know that you thought that i was anadventurer. marisha: we never-- no. sam: i know that you all look at me and you justsee the armor and the handsomeness-- taliesin: the armor, yes.
sam: --and the bravado. taliesin: the armor. sam: and you think, he has it all. taliesin: it's very nice armor. sam: he has everything that we want. but it's alie. it's a ruse. laura: can i land? matt: and trinket is still holding this aggressivestance to the rest of you, just in the vicinity, and looks a little more confused and just sitsdown. laura: yeah, i think we're fine here, trinket.
marisha: you notice we tend to make a lot ofpeople cry? laura: you made him cry? taliesin: we do. marisha: we make a lot of people cry. laura: what the fuck happened? taliesin: we thought we would just give him alittle taste of where he's going to make sure thathe was up to it. marisha: we told him we were gonna go see hotisand defeat him in the nine hells, and we wanted to make sure he lived.
taliesin: we couldn't have this happen in the ninehells. marisha: yeah, look at him. taliesin: there's no crying in the nine hells. liam: the worst place in all the multiverse,and we're gonna let him smack into that for his first time? laura: tary, you could die. sam: i... can i be real with you guys? laura: oh, we're ready. taliesin: all right, all right.
sam: (tearfully) my sister's gonna get everything.all the money. the whole business. the compound, the villas, everything. he's giving it to mysister unless i prove myself. all right? i just came out here to prove myself to my old man.and i know that if i do, he will respect me finally, and he will give me my money, and mytrust fund, and he will give me my villa, and i will be the guy who takes over thebusiness. and i just-- i thought that i could. but i can't. and i neeeed to. taliesin: oh son, oh son. laura: oh, tary. liam: i walk over.
taliesin: daddy issues, that's all we had tohear. sam: i need to, i need to. liam: i kneel in front of him and i startmassaging where i fucking beaned him. laura: oh, careful there, it'll leave a bruise. matt: it stings a lot. liam: no, no, i have very deft fingers. marisha: honestly, if you would've led with daddyissues, we probably would've trusted you. taliesin: we would've just taken you right on. liam: because fathers can be assholes.
taliesin: they're so awful. sam: he doesn't like me, and he doesn't like thebooks i read, and he doesn't like that i like fantasy novels, and he doesn't like anything aboutme. taliesin: it's like looking into a dark mirror.i don't know how i feel about this very dark mirror right now. liam: i take him into a gentle headlock and i turnto my sister and say, ahh, this guy. laura: ahh, this guy. liam: now i like this guy. travis: i raise my hands above my head.
liam: wait, what are you doing, what are youdoing? travis: are we not finishing this? marisha: no. liam: no. laura: not so much. marisha: we just learned that tary's an uglycrier. we can't beat him over the head after that. matt: trinket's head pokes just into frame to you,taryon, and he goes (licks) sam: (yelps)
laura: no no no. he's my pet. liam: that was terrible tough love, and i'm verysorry. i think you should come with us. laura: what? liam: i think you should. sam: i can be like an apprentice. or an intern.you guys are so powerful and i'm not. liam: do you know something? that fucking gaudyhat you're wearing? i would have no idea how to harness the power of that hat. sam: really? liam: i don't know shit about shit. all i know howto do is hit people in the back of the head,
that's the one skill that i have. you know a lotmore than i do. all you lack is experience. laura: yeah, but i really am a little worried he'sgonna die in the nine hells. liam: well, i'm worried that we're all going todie in the nine hells. laura: isn't there somewhere a little less scarywe can take him? travis: yeah, there's other stuff we need to do. liam: is there? marisha: i guess we could go ahead and head to thewater ashari. it should be fairly calm. travis: tary, have you ever passed out fromdrinking too much? sam: no.
travis: have you ever been unconscious? sam: only when i go to sleep at night. liam: oh my gosh. laura: oh no, i like him! damn it. liam: we had to beat him to a bloody pulp beforewe liked him. marisha: look, we're all fuck-ups. we like peoplewho show their vulnerabilities. sam: no, i'm brave and strong. laura: nobody likes a dick. well. marisha: or a douchenozzle.
laura: there it is. travis: now you're using it too many times. marisha: too much? okay. taliesin: your cowering honesty has won us over.let's get you a beer. would you like a beer? sam: no, i don't drink beer. taliesin: would you like a glass of wine? taliesin: we have wine. we have a lot of wine.some of it is quite good. taliesin: really. sam: because the stuff we had in ank'harel wasreally gross. i didn't wanna say anything, but--
taliesin: no, we know it was gross. sam: it was really gross. sam: it had no terroir. taliesin: sometimes we must sacrifice for theadventure. laura: do you have any wine in your bag ofholding? sam: no! taliesin: we have wine. laura: i know, i just want to taste his wine. taliesin: well, that's fair.
sam: i don't have any wine. travis: has dotty been in any fights, or-- matt: which, for the record, you now look over anddoty has been writing all this down. taliesin: you are the worst person, i love you. sam: doty, no! why? just pause for now. laura: no, but seriously, was he your nanny? it'sokay if he was. i just want to know. liam: i mean, honestly, we'd like-- laura: we'd like you more. liam: we like fuck-ups. we're a family offuck-ups, so, you want in or not?
laura: if you're honest. sam: doty is my best friend. my only friend.because he listens to me, and understands me, and at night, when i play my characters,he plays with me. i play combat, and i pretend to be some of the characters i've read about,and he pretends to be the others. travis: i'm gonna kill him. laura: no, that's really wonderful. so you want tobe an actor. sam: no, i want to be a hero. and i just haven'thad the chance yet because my father says that i should just be focused on taking over the familybusiness, learning financial things. and learning how to shake down a customer, and i'm so much morethan that.
marisha: there are other ways of being a hero thanbeing an adventurer. there are a lot of ways you could be a hero. sam: tell me one. laura: you could be a philanthropist. marisha: yeah. people who spend a lot of theirearnings and people who are more privileged, like you, who help people in less privilegedplaces. liam: there are many ways to help people in need. sam: do they write books about philanthropists? laura: a lot of times they do.
marisha: yeah. people generally like them. sam: but the stories i've read of adventure andderring-do and bravery-- travis: much cooler. sam: much cooler! travis: less boring. sam: jumbo gets it. travis: i promise you, none of their dads leavethe adventurers' money to their daughters, it's always to the sons. liam: but first i'd like to suggest a mantra.i don't know if you've ever tried it. it helps
for me, it has in the past. fuck your dad.that's one-- laura and taliesin: well. liam: you know what i mean, you fuckingthird-grade assholes, jeepers creepers. sam: he could have me or any of you killed. liam: we'll see. the other thing is, you've donethe impossible. sam: which is? liam: well, i've taken a shine to you for somereason. do you wanna shake off the child's play and do the real thing? sam: very much.
liam: the truth is, you never stop being afraid.being brave doesn't mean you stop being afraid, it means you learn to compartmentalize it.you just live with it. so that feeling you're feeling? you're not gonna lose that. sam: okay. but how will i survive in battle? liam: well... travis: healing potions, people who look out foreach other. taliesin: friends. friends. laura: hide behind your giant robot. liam: this guys absorbs damage, so stick by him.
laura: stay clear if what you do is cast spells.don't get up in the fray. marisha: i can cast spells, and so can vex, here.it's through my antlers, so respect the antlers. sam: oh, i do. i do. they look very powerful. marisha: respect. sam: something about your eyes make me feelashamed. laura: (laughs) sam: i'm sorry. travis: oh, shit. that is a new one. laura: let's go get a drink.
liam: can we get this guy drunk, please. taliesin: we're getting into shame and we'resober, i think something must be done about this. travis: we got him so close to the brink,right? shouldn't we just introduce him to the deep end so he can say he's been there, and thenwe bring him up? laura: what, like knock him unconscious? sam: please don't. travis: no, no, really, there's something to besaid for it. taliesin: why don't we do it with wine? liam: yeah, yes, percy's right.
marisha: we could do a little roleplay exercise,like in your stories. taliesin: we have a magnificent library. sam: you do? taliesin: oh, yes. travis: oh, god. marisha: full disclosure. taliesin: it's time we had another nerd. marisha: full disclosure, tary, there aren't manydamsels you have to rescue in the wild. i've learned mainly because women in the world have tobe tougher. so that doesn't happen very often.
but, if you want, we can make pretend and do alittle thought exercise, and i'll pretend to be in distress and you can rescue me if that'll make youfeel better. travis: yeah yeah yeah, he just has to vanquishme. marisha: yeah, but you have to vanquish grog. sam: all right, let's go get drunk, then. taliesin and marisha: okay! liam: we really haven't had a barn-burner since wegot back from the big do, you know. we should get your sister, we should get shaun, we should getallura and kima and anyone who's in town. taliesin: let's have a good drink, and in themorning we'll set off on the next leg of idiocy.
liam: yeah, you know, tary, there's something youdon't really know about-- we've just-- i mean, it's really complicated, it's hard to explain toyou, you're an outsider. but we have just lost someone very dear to us. it's very complicated.and maybe we're dealing with shit that is hard, so i'm sorry if we pushed you too hard.i think there was benefit to be had from what just happened, but we're in a shitty headstate.a dear friend is gone, so, apologies. sam: i understand. i haven't really experiencedloss of that type before. i mean. but i want to understand, and i thank you for your honesty withme and for not holding back. did i at least cause you some harm in the battle? marisha: yes!
liam: i thought you would go down in one shot,and you were still standing! travis: it was pretty weak, actually. taliesin: i still feel a little ill. marisha: yeah! and look, you singed a little of myhair! sam: that's good, right? taliesin: to be fair, we've killed dragons,so the fact that you actually managed to hold it together is actually quite impressive! liam: i mean, clearly we've been fucking with youa little bit, but you have ability and skill, and that's not bullshit. seriously.
travis: yeah, the rest's just fake it 'til youmake it, yeah? liam: yeah. that will get you-- laura: i didn't see any of it, so i'm not sure. sam: it was really great. it was really great? taliesin: yes! liam: yeah! yes! sam: thank you, thank you all. i'm sorry fordeceiving you before, and i promise to do better and to aid you in whatever way i can. please teachme your ways, and i will learn what i can. travis: did you build dotty?
sam: for heaven's sake, yes! i did. liam: i believe him, i believe him. travis: let's open him up and figure out if he'slying. sam: please no, no, i, no-- taliesin: no no no no no. laura: (laughs) grog! travis: what. laura: stop. (laughs) liam: (whispers) he's just-- he's fucking withyou, it's fine. (normal volume) it's all right.
it's all right. let's go get drunk. laura: that's all we do. marisha: get drunk and make people cry. liam: it's been too long, are you kidding? sam: all right, i hang back just a little bit tocollect myself. just try to dry my eyes, and i say to doty: doty, just delete most of thatlast chapter-- matt: (sounds of doty ripping and crumpling paper) sam: -- and take this down. "the battle a draw,taryon decided it was better to lie than tell the "truth, and embarked on a new adventure pretendingto be their humble intern, when in actuality,
"they were working for him." end of chapter! matt: (sounds of book slamming shut and dotywalking) liam: oh my gosh, that can go in any direction. taliesin: i love it. laura: so dark. so dark! travis: we're getting to the deep end! matt: (chuckles) as doty follows you, you guysmake your way into the castle. wine bottles are brought about, and a raucous evening of drinkingis easily found. the barn-burner you're looking for: shaun is able to be mustered, jarrett,kima's still back in emon, and actually allura is
in town briefly to retrieve pike. and as pikecomes in, she reaches you guys. "hi. apparently there's still a lot of recoverythat's needed in emon and they need kind of an "all-hands-on-deck circumstance with anyone who'strained in healing, "so i may have to go help with that for a littlebit, if that's okay?" liam: oh, man. travis: yeah, of course! laura: whatever you need, dear. matt: i mean, don't-- don't go-- (sigh) don't goto any crazy hell places without me, let me know before that happens, please.
laura: oh. right. travis: (scoffs) no, we would never! sam: that's exactly what they're planning ondoing! travis: no, tary, what did we say about lying? sam: they just said that they're taking me tohell, or something like that! laura: well, we won't, obviously, if you don'twant us to, pike. taliesin: we've decided to go a little softer withhim. liam: we're figuring it out. matt: i mean, try and at least let me know?
laura: 'course. marisha: pike, i have to eventually go visit thewater ashari, but i didn't want to do that without you. matt: it's fine, go! i mean, i don't know how muchhelp i'll be other than just getting you there, but there's plenty of people that can, you know,helm a ship and get you across the sea. marisha: is there any advice you can give? matt: hire a good crew. really. i was but one ofmany and everything i learned, i learned from watching other people. you might learn more than idid! matt:okay?
marisha: okay. laura: pike. i step away with her. laura: how are you? i mean, you're heading off toemon right after scanlan left, does this have anything to do with him? matt: i could use the distraction, to be honest.you'll be fine, i mean, it's all tying up loose ends, and i'm more needed helping people thatreally need what i can do right now. matt: it won't be long, they're gathering a lot ofgreat healers. i know keeper yennen's coming along-- laura: oh, good.
matt: -- and we're gonna be doing some people somereal good. matt: might even bring the love of my lady to afew people. her light can definitely heal a lot ofwounds and spirits, so. laura: all right. i give her a big hug, and iwhisper in her ear. you don't always have to puton a brave face, dear. matt: she pulls back from you and kind of pats youon the side of your face. matt: "yeah, i do." and she smiles and turnsaround and puts her hand out, and allura takes her hand. "are we ready?" travis: wait, bye, pike!
matt: she lets go of allura's hand, runs up realfast, and just slugs you in the face-- matt: -- and jumps into your arms. matt: ohh. travis: you go be a monster, and you heal all thepeople. matt: i will! travis: all right. travis: okay, bye. matt: "bye." she turns around and runs back toallura. liam: it's pretty good.
travis: that got harder, man, damn. matt: after yennen is summoned forth, the three ofthem vanish into a swirl of arcane energy, towards the direction of emon. laura: (exhales) first one goes, then the other. taliesin: she'll be back. laura: (sighs) liam: we're gnomeless. laura: gnomeless. sam: was that your girlfriend, jumbo?
travis: what'd you say? sam: was that your girlfriend? liam: (sharp inhale) we just got good. sam: oh. sorry. i don't-- i'm just trying to catchup. i'll-- taliesin: that's fair, that's fair. travis: let me see your hand. laura: it's a fair question. sam: my hand? travis: yeah, hold your hand out.
travis: yeah, put it in mine. sam: please don't kill me. marisha: aw. taliesin: aw. marisha: that was a good exercise in restraint,grog. proud of you. travis: (grumbling) liam: come here. tell me more about your father. sam: he's really a rotten guy. (sighs) he doesthese unfair deals-- nobody knows about them but me, and i tried to tell him to play on the up andup but he's just a liar and a cheat.
liam: that's terrible. drink up, by the way. sam: oh, thank you. marisha: so how long have you been set forth onyour little mission to prove yourself worthy? sam: month, month and a half. liam: really? marisha: welcome aboard the proving-yourselftrain. sam: i hired a band of mercenaries to assist mefor the first month. laura: did you really get them killed? sam: no, they left me.
taliesin: (sighs) laura: can i insight check him? laura: natural 20. marisha: (gasps) sam: truth. travis: is that your real name? sam: yes, it is. travis: thought you would've made a shitty namelike that one up. sam: taryon gary darrington.
marisha: wow, your dad really is an asshole. sam: yes, he is. taliesin: how's your sister, at least? is yoursister reasonable? sam: she's the fucking worst. taliesin: oh, no. marisha: what? sam: yes, she's so-- she's such a jock. she justdoes push-ups and sit-ups and pull-ups all day and all night and beats on me. she's younger than me,but she's so much stronger. travis: what's her name?
sam: her name is-- i wrote this down. laura: what's my sister's name? you don't know! sam: (ugly cries) sam: mary-anne. laura: mary-anne darrington. travis: mary-anne. sam: mary-anne darrington. taliesin: mary-anne. marian darrington. laura: marion darrington.
travis: is she older, or younger? taliesin: marion darrington. marisha: marion darrington. (laughs) sam: my father, howard-- taliesin: he is the worst person. sam: -- and my mom, maria. marisha: maria. travis: is mary-anne older or younger than you? taliesin: younger.
sam: younger! travis: is she married? sam: no. she's not a married marion. taliesin: she's a maid marion? laura: oh... marisha: she's a maid marion. taliesin: no. maid marion darrington. sam: she's all focused on the business, and takingit over when dad's ready to retire. taliesin: then she'll be a made maid marion.
travis: wow... taliesin: i may be drunk. marisha: that's fun. liam: was there anything good about yourupbringing? any positive points? sam: yes. yes, i learned so much. i was left to myown devices for hours on end. i traveled the world... in literature. and i experienced suchgreat adventures, tales of history and fiction and-- for most of my life, i was just ahappy-go-lucky kid in my room. reading my books, and making up characters that i would fightagainst, and only recently have things gotten pretty bad with dad, since i am now of age to takeover the business, and uh--
liam: at the early age of 28? sam: well, he's getting up in years. wants toretire to the southern villa. taliesin: this is such a dark mirror. this is avery dark mirror. marisha: i'm concerned-- i'm sorry, i'm confused.tary. that was a freudian slip. why does your father think it's important to have brute strengthand combat experience to run a business? sam: it's less about strength and more about acutthroat attitude. take no prisoners. hold back nothing. pull no punches. marisha: are you sure your father's a real estateagent? sam: to be honest, he doesn't take me along withhim to many business deals, but he has great
influence over many places and cities, andimportant people, and i don't exactly know the ins and outs of the business-- sam: but (inhales) i do know that he is ruthlessand a bastard, if you ask me truthfully. liam: literally? sam: no, i mean, we had a grandfather, so i-- imean, i think he's not really a bastard. i think. i don't know. what do you mean? liam: i mean. what do i mean? i mean, was he theoffspring of-- sam: he has a father. liam: i'm sure he does. was he married to yourmother?
sam: i think so. they were around a lot. liam: so you mean, shithead? sam: he's an asshole. liam: all right. marisha: that's a long walk to get to shithead. taliesin: that was a long walk to-- liam: there's a lot of backstory here that you'renot privy to. marisha: what's your father's name? sam: howard.
taliesin: howard. liam: howard. laura: howard darrington. travis: c'mon, note-taker. taliesin: show him your tattoo, i'm just sort ofcurious. i just had a thought. liam: my tattoo? what? the slayer's take? taliesin: --the clasp. liam: that's a fucking keyleth palm at thispoint. marisha: i removed it.
taliesin: you did? marisha: i burnt it off of him. taliesin: you're gonna make me draw it? that'sfine. i'm doing the clasp logo, if i-- does this look at all familiar? i have the clasp logo. matt: yeah, it does not. marisha: hashtag clasp. taliesin: hashtag clasp. marisha: interesting. sam: no. you're all literate? you can read andwrite?
taliesin: most of us, yes. sam: wow. i haven't met many of you in my travelsthat have-- taliesin: we even have a library. sam: that's amazing. laura: big one. liam: yeah, i mean, he's particularly brainy.you guys have a lot in common. taliesin: we have quite a nice library. liam: i mean, there's a lot of differences betweenthe two of you, but you have a lot in common. taliesin: horrifyingly, yes.
taliesin: yeah, i was a bit of a reader growingup. sam: oh? taliesin: yes. fiction and non-fiction. a bit ofeverything. i was a-- sam: perhaps we can compare books later? taliesin: i will happily show you my library. liam: huh. sam: this guy-- this excites me. taliesin: stop. stop smiling at that. liam: you can teach him the art of nerd chic,percy.
taliesin: he seems to be well-built for it. marisha: you know, percy is a bit of a tinkererhimself as well. taliesin: i do... yeah. taliesin: yes. yes, i've built a few things. sam: that piece of equipment you showed to thatweirdo earlier today-- the thing with the handle? sam: did you make that? taliesin: i didn't make that, but i did make thisone. and i pull down the folded ridiculous-- matt: bad news contraption? taliesin: bad news.
taliesin: um, yeah. laura: i keep filling up grog's mug, to make surehe gets his fill. sam: what does that-- what does that do? taliesin: it takes these-- and i pull out a musketball-- and it fires them at great speed. in whatever direction i like. sam: that is-- taliesin: very dangerous-- sam: sexy. taliesin: thank you. it's very dangerous.
sam: it's very sexy. taliesin: thank you. i think so. sam: wow. and did you make this by yourself? taliesin: i did. this took about six months? sevenmonths? i mean, i'd been thinking about it for quite a while. i'm working on a few others, too-- liam: oh, i didn't know that. taliesin: this is kind of the definitive-- yes,this is when we were all-- marisha: built it on our little summer vacation. taliesin: -- on the last time we took a break.
sam: is the propellant part of this piece righthere? or is it in that big piece right there? taliesin: ah, neither. it's in this-- sam: or is it magical? taliesin: no, it's not magical at all. everythingin this is purely physical. no magic involved whatsoever. sam: oh... liam: what do you make of all this? sam: that's impressive. laura: huh?
taliesin: showing the mechanism off. liam: i don't know-- nerd talk? laura: i think it's great. laura: uh-huh. liam: what do you think of the new guy? laura: oh, yeah. he's weird? i don't know. liam: i mean, he's not scanlan. laura: nobody is. sam: oh, you know what? i'm sorry. one second.i forgot, i owe you some money, don't i?
laura: yes you do. sam: the adventure was 50 thousand, correct? laura: yes, it was. sam: i think i had a good adventure today.but i didn't die. so, minus the prismatic spray, that's 6000 gold taken off. minus the wear andtear on my armor and equipment, that's another 5000 taken off. laura: darling, this wasn't part of the deal. sam: minus the fact that i wasn't the star of theadventure, i'll halve the rest of it. do you have a tax id or some sort of tax-exempt status?
liam: wait, you need to be the lead character inyour death-taunting? is that what you're telling us? sam: i'm just trying to find out how much iactually owe you. laura: no contract stipulations when we made thedeal, therefore, you pay full price, darling. sam: i am a man of business and i always followthe law. so by my calculations, 20% federal taxes, 9.5% local and city taxes, i put that at about11,000 gold total left still. doty? taliesin: technically, she is tax-exempt. sam: write a check. laura: a check?
sam: of course. taliesin: she is tax-exempt. sam: how is she tax-exempt? taliesin: she's a baroness. sam: make it 16. taliesin: thank you. sam: my father will pay that. in full. laura: oh, dear lord. taliesin: we can put it in the treasury,technically.
marisha: did he just give us an iou? travis: what about all the jingly-jangly in yourbag of holding? sam: go on and reach in there. laura: i know how bags of holding work. travis: i'll just stick my hand in the bag ofholding. matt: it is empty. what are you thinking of whileyou reach in there? travis: candy. matt: does he find candy? sam: nope.
matt: nope. it's just a void, an empty sack. travis: this is bullshit! you can't come with us. sam: is he holding any equipment or weapons? matt: the weapon is near him, but not currently onhim. sam: okay. fire. and i set his weapon on fire. matt: you watch as your hammer just ignites withflame. travis: you better put that out. sam: it's cool, though, right? travis: you burning my hammer?
sam: no, no, it's magical, it's good. it helps! travis: i touch it. matt: it burns your hand. sam: why would you touch a flame? travis: because you said it was magical! sam: (whispers) is he an idiot? taliesin: well... i don't feel like i can answerthat question appropriately at the moment. marisha: legally? maybe? travis: you know when people poke you in thesternum with their finger? i do that with the
titanstone knuckle really hard. matt: yeah, it hurts. taliesin: i pour more wine for him. more wine.more wine. sam: i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm just getting usedto this. taliesin: no, you're fitting in very well. travis: you have your strengths, and while you maybe able to "read" with your friends over there, i think it's also important to work on yourweaknesses. travis: yeah, so we gotta work on your bravery,maybe your fighting voice. sam: absolutely.
sam: was it really bad? did i sound okay? laura: no, i mean, i wasn't there to witness it,i just know your normal voice. travis: when you were flying over the city,did it sound like a llama being mauled by a pack of wolves? laura: i heard this braying. i thought it was agoat, actually. travis: that was him. taliesin: what a picture you just painted.that was lovely. travis: yeah. big tall neck, all furry. taliesin: no, i heard the llama.
liam: i'm gonna squish in next to him and put myarm around with an ale and say, i don't know why i am suddenly taking a shine to you when i felt likei hated you a couple hours ago. just stick with us. you don't have to know-- i hear everythingyou're saying. you're an asshole, and i love you, but you really are an asshole. i'm just talkingto the guy. i have taken a shine to you, and i'm gonna look out for you, all right? thefirst time i got attacked i was a fucking mess. i'm still a fucking mess. that's the thing,people are writing stories about us, we're a bunch of fucking shitheads, and nobody talks aboutthat-- maybe a few people do. taliesin: a few people do talk about that. liam: a few people do talk about that.
marisha: i think more than a few. laura: a lot of people talk about that. liam: there's no way to prepare, you just have tohit your face against the wall a couple of times, then it starts to feel normal-ish. travis: i can help you with that. sam: thank you. liam: you're good, you've done it, you've beenhazed, you're good, kid. sam: i am so appreciative of all of you,and i will repay this debt, i promise you. i will make you guest-stars in one chapter of mybook,
and it will be top three most epic chapters. liam: that's pretty cool. laura: fabulous. taliesin: is the money that you're paying us withyour father's money as well? please be honest. sam: yes, absolutely. taliesin: that's fabulous. laura: oh, i like that. taliesin: that makes everything even better.we'll get you a room right next to the library so you can have easy access.
taliesin: we can set that up right away. travis: the doors don't lock, though, so you haveto be on guard all night long. training is a 24-hour regimen around here. sam: all right. i accept your conditions. taliesin: i'll give you access to the workshop ifyou feel like building yourself a lock. feel free. sam: you have a workshop? taliesin: oh, my. sam: for tinkering?
sam: ooh, i like you. taliesin: yes, it's my pleasure. it's so nice.of course, you'll have a tour. in the morning, we'll do a brief tour. sam: absolutely. and i could show you the innerworkings of doty. taliesin: i would be so delighted. sam: it's pretty outstanding if i do say somyself. taliesin: it's very good work, i'm veryimpressed. sam: little bit of luck, little bit of magic. marisha: do you want us to excuse the two of you?
matt: the two of them, as you guys are having thisconversation, without realizing it, slowly exit together. taliesin: i'm not leaving. matt: right, then you stop yourself as you reachthe door. taliesin: i'm gonna send him to the library at thevery least. matt: okay, the waitstaff come in and retrieveyour belongings and lead you up to the chamber that'll be prepared for your evening. sam: good evening. bye. laura: bidet.
liam: good night, tary, good night. oh, boy.what a babe in the woods. taliesin: i kind of like him. laura: grog, how ragey are you right now? travis: pretty ragey, yeah. laura: super ragey? marisha: all the people who tend not to likepeople are liking him. taliesin: it's a terrible sign, isn't it? justreally, really disturbing. marisha: i feel like the two of you never like thesame person. taliesin: no, that's weird.
liam: you know, we don't have the weight of theworld crushing us at the moment, so i feel like that might have something to do with it, yeah. laura: it feels very strange for you two to beagreeing. taliesin: it does. it makes me want to take risks.it's nice. marisha: i thought we were taking a break fromrisk-taking for a second. taliesin: no, i feel like we've been playing itvery safe, it's just been that the world has been taking risks. marisha: i love the way you frame things, percy. liam: once again you're a couple steps ahead ofus.
marisha: i love the way you lawyer your way out ofevery situation. taliesin: that's so nice. liam: i wonder where scanlan is. marisha: i could check in on him. haven't used thescrying eye today. taliesin: i wanna say let's give him some privacy,but at the same time i do kind of want to see him. laura: i just want to know if he's all right. travis: i don't. marisha: i'm gonna look. i take out the scryingeye.
travis: don't. marisha: what? why? liam: i walk over to grog and start playing-- whatwas it? rock, paper, what was it? marisha: boulder, parchment, shears. taliesin: paper, shears or parchment, shears? sam and laura: it should be parchment, shears. liam: trying to teach grog that game. travis: no. stop. liam: no?
travis: i don't want you to look in on him. taliesin: i think i'm done for the evening. marisha: why? we just want to make sure he'sokay. travis: because he asked us for his own time.can we respect that or not? or did you want him to yell at you more when we see him again? marisha: he can't know if i'm scrying on him. taliesin: he might know if you're scrying on him. laura: he might know. marisha: not if i use my scrying eye.
taliesin: let's give him a little bit of time. taliesin: thank you, grog. that's a very fairpoint. travis: okay, now i'll play. taliesin: little elf girl? laura: danger-zone. i swear. taliesin: is it a danger zone? laura: mm. taliesin: because, you know, it occurs to me,i've never given you a full tour of the treasury room, have i?
laura: um. why, no, percival. taliesin: i'm grabbing the wine and i'm leavingright now. sam: you guys are gonna fuck in the treasury? ohmy god! taliesin: who has never wanted to have the fullscrooge mcduck? for fuck's sake. laura: as we leave, i turn to grog. and i thinkabout talking to him for just a second, and then i leave the room. taliesin: i owe you for that shit. thank you. matt: all right. as the rest of you wind down theevening, drinking, perusing the treasury, reading the various books that are at yourdisposal--
taliesin: we do deposit the check at the treasury,by the way, while we're there. marisha: deposit the checks. matt: you find your evening to a close. marisha: we haven't had the night off in a while. matt: you enjoy the time to relax a bit and takeanother breath of air after this constant pressure that's been pushing you. next morning comes in asthe sun rises, you all come to consciousness, rouse yourselves for breakfast, and whatever thenext day ensues. you all begin to gather in the common room of the castle once more. travis: we all healed up?
taliesin: all healed up. matt: yep, all healed up. taliesin: airship or sea ship? this is your call. travis: we've never done a sea ship. liam: yeah, i think we've got some-- we could goafter the dude in hell, but i think we have some more time. laura: pike asked us not to. taliesin: we should bring a pike to hell. marisha: pike wants to go.
liam: i agree, i agree. so.. travis: time to go finish your atari. taliesin: we have twenty six hundred men in theback. marisha: all right. do i know roughly where thewater ashari are? matt: you vaguely know that it exists somewhere inthe ozmit sea. kind of south-ish from tal'dorei. but you don't really know. maybe a little bit ofinformation-gathering, or asking people who may traverse that area would help you, but you don'treally know. laura: yeah, we can go down to the docks.are there docks here? marisha: not in whitestone. i think we're prettylandlocked.
matt: pretty landlocked in whitest-- taliesin: no. there is actually, technicallythere's the sea to the north, but that would be useless. sam: she meant the doctor's office. matt: yeah, you have the lucidian ocean to theeast of you. taliesin: mm-hm. matt: but it is a very treacherous water,and the shearing channel, that is the series of broken land mass between here and wildmount,the one that the briarwoods were brokering thebridge for, is-- yeah.
taliesin: there's a reason we're not a poor city. marisha: is there like a port at the very southend of the continent, to where we could hop a ship and also do some research? matt: uh, there's stillben, very very far south. marisha: stillben? matt: but that is still out to the lucidian ocean,east. the ozmit sea is on the western side of thecontinent. emon is the closest port city to head to the ozmitsea. marisha: oh, western. oh you mean western.okay well then, hang on. if it's w-- nope.
taliesin: oh, i was about to say, who has the map?you have the map. okay. laura: yeah, it would be emon. marisha: 'cause the earth ashari are on theeastern side of the continent. right? taliesin: do you have a map? matt: the earth ashari are kind of northern,like mid-northern of the continent. they're in the cliffkeep mountains. taliesin: this is a conversation that is happeningright now. i'm so amused. matt: yes it is. taliesin: we're trying to remember the fakegeography--
marisha: of our fake world-- taliesin: of our fantasy world. matt: ask me, it's been my life for the past year. writing all this down for a book for all you guys. sam: i got it. taliesin: all right. marisha: so emon is like-- sam: we're up here. laura: yeah, emon is the place to go to.
liam: thanks, matt. laura: thanks, matt. taliesin: yeah, yeah. we're up here. whitestone'shere. taliesin: and we need to be the south-west, so-- liam: we will live in the stars. taliesin: emon's here. emon is the biggest portcity on the ozmit sea, isn't it? matt: uh, on this continent? yes. taliesin: yeah, that's-- marisha: so we might as well leave out of emon.
taliesin: we might as well leave out of emon. marisha: and then i could also do some research,because-- is the libraries and the lyceums and stuff open again? or are they just fuckingdemolished? matt: you don't know. i mean, a lot of that partof the town is just now being rebuilt and recovered so-- taliesin: where's the airship by the way,as well? matt: you have not checked in on the airship.you guys-- taliesin: when was the last time we saw them? matt: the last time you saw them was in the throesof the battle with thordak,
when they came in andgave it a helping hand briefly. laura: did they come back here? sam: just to keep up the audience: we're in maine,and we're trying to get to los angeles. taliesin and matt: yes. taliesin: well-put. sam: as taryon, can't we teleport to whereverwe're trying to go? taliesin: it's easier to teleport if you'realready been there. sam: ooh. marisha: yeah, unfortunately, i can't-- i've neverbeen there.
and the ashari are a very reclusivetype people. sam: i've read about most people and places. marisha: have you read about the water ashari andthe ashari people? matt: make a history check. taliesin: i'm gonna join in on this history checkas well. sam: yeah, that's a one. taliesin: wow. sam: her eyes just intimidate me. marisha: (whispering) sam.
laura: shame you. liam: shame! shame! taliesin: (singing) no one knows what it's like,to be a bad man. okay. marisha: do you wanna touch my antlers? taliesin: hey now. marisha: ignore that, that got weird. taliesin: that got real weird. taliesin: i'm gonna join in on a terrible historycheck. that is a 19. it's not terrible, i just had a very high history.
matt: it's not terrible, but your research hasn'tdelved too deeply into the ashari. and the ashari that you do know of are the terra and uh,and the air ashari. taliesin: yeah, i've only got what i read athome. matt: there's the terra and the zephra. those arethe only two you know about. those are the only two on the continent. the vesrah you're not toofamiliar with. taliesin: well, who else can we talk to? marisha: i mean, i guess i could always go back tothe earth ashari, or the air ashari, and talk to some of those people. laura: maybe somebody at the docks in emon wouldknow?
taliesin: she really wants to go to the docks inemon. laura: i wanna just pay off that docks comment,really. sam: worth it. taliesin: magic. marisha: i don't know. i guess we could go backand talk to the earth ashari. you guys haven't been there yet. laura: let's go! taliesin: let's go to the earth ashari. marisha: yeah, all right.
taliesin: let's collect our things. what's thetemperature like there? laura: ooh. marisha: right now, with it being the season of- taliesin: the witch. matt: it's in essentially a heavy valley of stonein the center of the cliffkeep mountain range. it is far from civilization, it's maybe a fewdays of heavy mountain-- constant hiking north of where kraghammer is. marisha: oh. we'd have to hike to get there? no,there's gotta be trees that i can tree stride there to.
matt: there are a couple that aren't too faroutside of terra that you can tree stride to. marisha: we're druids, there's gotta be treeswithin that camp, right? and stuff? marisha: like, nearby? matt: yes, i'm saying that there are some that arelike, just in the outskirts of terra, none directly in it. sam: oh shit! okay, no. nothing. i had resistanceto something and i forgot to use it. travis: resistance to a beating? sam: yeah. would not have helped me very much. taliesin: let's also say, as we're getting ready,i'm gonna take tary down and let him pick through
the tinkering room, see if he needs any tools andupgrade anything that he might need, give him a quick tour. laura: and i wanna talk to grog. matt: all righty. sam: (whispered) i'll take everything. matt: so as you guys are taking through the-- taliesin: showing him the equipment. matt: you find grog off to the side. taliesin: don't touch that.
laura: how are you? travis: me? travis: i'm good. i slept really well. laura: yeah. feeling less rage-y? laura: that's good, that's good. okay. hey, so...this is difficult for me to do. did you know that scanlan had acquired drugs? travis: no? laura: did you? travis: no.
laura: i just found this out, that he was usingdrugs behind our back. travis: like bad drugs? laura: i think so, i mean, i've never tried them,but-- travis: me neither. laura: so, i don't know, finding out secrets aboutpeople doesn't feel good. feeling like they've broken your trust in some way, right? and beingtrustworthy is very important. travis: right, yeah, i think that's veryimportant. laura: right. so. just hold on. travis: i'm not even fighting anyone right now.
laura: ah. i pull out the deck. so, this is-- doyou know what this is? do you remember this? travis: where did you find one? laura: okay. so, grog, i have to be honest withyou. when you asked me for this before, i lied. to you. travis: you lied? travis: what do you mean? laura: well, i sort of tricked you and thoughtit'd be funny if i gave you maybe the wrong thing. to see if you'd notice! but-- i'm still lying.i didn't-- i was afraid-- i gave you a false deck.
travis: no, no, you gave it to me, it's in mybag. laura: you wanna pull it out? travis: but you said i wasn't supposed to look atit. laura: well, you're still not supposed to,technically. do you want me to pull it out? travis: phrasing. laura: should i-- should you-- do you just-- travis: you want me to get the deck out? laura: yeah, maybe close your eyes and get thedeck out. travis: all right, i got it.
laura: all right, i am taking it from your hand. travis: but these are mine! laura: these ones are-- travis: don't take them from me again! laura: grog! open your eyes. it's not really adeck, you see? it's a bag. with rocks in it. travis: did you take my salt lick rock? laura: no. you gave that to scanlan. here's yourdeck. still don't use it, still don't look at it, it's still very dangerous! but i want you to knowthat i trust you with it. travis: i know. you said, "don't look at it," and i haven't looked at it.
laura: oh, good, then still don't, how aboutthat? travis: i'm very confused. laura: i know, basically, i just-- travis: do you want a card? laura: no! i don't know. travis: i open the flap-- laura: no no no! don't-- grog! travis: do you want a card? what're you worriedabout, it's a deck of cards. laura: you're making me regret giving this back toyou right now. i just want to say. i close it.
please don't make me regret this. travis: why? laura: i'm sorry that i lied to you. even thoughyou didn't notice. i want you to know you can still trust me, and i can still trust you to notfuck with this. travis: i would like to insight check vex. matt: make an insight check. liam: (laughing) i love you guys. travis: six. matt: it's a lot of words. it's a lot of words.but you got your deck back.
travis: but i always had it. matt: you-- it's really confusing. she's talkingat you, but nothing changed. travis: is this a lesson? laura: sure. travis: can we just skip to the part where you getso frustrated that i haven't got it and you just tell me the answer anyway? laura: grog? laura: you're a good person. still don't look atthe deck. i'm glad you have our back. don't do drugs.
travis: what do you think scanlan did with therest of those drugs? laura: what do you mean 'the rest of the drugs'? travis: well, you said he was doing drugs, right? travis: well, did he just take them with him? laura: should we search his room? travis: ooh, maybe! laura: let's do it. travis: all right, i put the deck away. matt: okay. you guys head up to scanlan's room.
matt: both you guys make investigation checks. liam: you've done a lot of brilliant things. that was the most brilliant thing you have everdone. taliesin: i am so consistently proud of you. liam: oh my god. travis: 16. 18 minus two. laura: oh! 16 for me as well. travis and laura: hey! matt: together you both see-- you both spend thebetter part of an hour thumbing through the
various drawers and odd boxes and sundries thatwere left behind in the wake of scanlan's departure. and at the same time you both come tofind that, no, there are-- no illegal substances remain. laura: he took them with him! travis: what about nudey pictures? laura: oh, nudey pictures. taliesin: other things, what else is in the room? matt: honestly? there are no nudey pictures,per se. travis: boring.
matt: you do find a series of books on art and thehuman physique. travis: ugh. matt: and all the corresponding images have beentorn out. laura: (laughs) yeah. travis: damn it. sam: i have magic that can make things that areway more real than a drawing. taliesin: he has three original print issues ofcherry comics number one through four. travis: well, there's no drugs. laura: well, i guess he took them with him.
travis: all right. when do i get to look at thecards? laura: like, never, grog. travis: like, never never? never, never? laura: well, i heard from percival that they'resuper, super dangerous. but i don't know what they do. travis: yeah, you don't. laura: no, i don't. travis: only one way to find out! not today. laura: not today, how about that?
travis: fair enough. matt: all right. you've joined the rest of theparty, the rest of-- after you guys finish your perusal of the workshop, which is quite aworkshop, mundane in a lot of ways, but functional for the basic purposes of tinkering. taliesin: rustic! matt and taliesin: rustic. sam: i think it's magnificent, what you've puttogether here. sam: and i'm impressed, and from me that's quite acompliment. taliesin: no, i'm feeling it. and, my workshop,obviously, is your workshop for as long as you
stay here. anything you need to work on,of course, it's fully available. sam: you know what? i don't normally do this,but... what's your name? marisha: oh my god. he doesn't know any of ournames! laura: oh my god! marisha: we're like a bad speed dating session.holy shit. taliesin: this is so amazing. percivalfredrickstein von musel klossowski de rolo the third. at your service. marisha: oooh! he's still got it! sam: percival fredrickstein von musel klossowskide rolo the third. all right.
taliesin: percy to my friends. sam: i'm tary to mine. taliesin: tary, it's a pleasure. this is thecastle i live in, this is my sister's castle, except of course, she's lovely.cassandra de rolo. sam: hm. taliesin: you are in whitestone, as our guest. sam: it is my honor and privilege to be yourguest, sir. taliesin: a pleasure. i recommend eventually,not necessarily today 'cause i am actually enjoying it, learning everyone else's name aswell.
sam: all right, well. okay. sam: let's tary-on! no? maybe? taliesin: no it's-- i'm okay with it, i'm rollingwith it. marisha: no! no. sam: doty! doty, put it as a maybe. marisha: not becoming a catchphrase. taliesin: it's not a catchphrase. sam: doty, put it as a maybe for catchphrases. matt: you guys gather up--
taliesin: another daring rescue. matt: together, prepare yourselves for what thenext step of your journey is. what are you doing? marisha: are we going? are we going? marisha: going, going, gone, gotta go? taliesin: got your stuff together? everything youneed? laura: are we going to emon? no. we're going tothe earth-- the earth people. marisha: got everything. earth people first. marisha: so we can be like, where do i find theother fourth of my tribe. taliesin: you've written your camp number.in pen, on your arm.
marisha: yes, i've got my safety tags. taliesin: you've got your safety tags. marisha: i'm good. i'm good. taliesin: you've got your rights written on theback, so that, y'know. if anyone tries to-- liam: let's do it, let's-- marisha: all right, let's go. marisha: respect. respect the antlers. liam: always have. taliesin: we decorated them at the last winterfestival.
marisha: i like decorating my antlers. taliesin: and it looked quite nice. marisha: it's a traditional ashari tradition. liam: all right. eyes on the prize. matt: (laughs) you guys find your way to the suntree. utilizing transport via plants you find yourself (teleportation sound) thrust through thetrunk of the sun tree, and emerging on the opposite side, on the cusp of a deep bowl-likevalley that goes probably for a good mile and a half, or two miles across, before you reach theother side of this crest. liam: tary! that's two times! you've teleportedtwo times.
sam: (gasps) oh my god, every time it's amazing.wow, thank you. thank you all. where are we? taliesin: uh. marisha: well. matt: central cliffkeep. marisha: we are in the central cliffkeep sam: of? marisha: of tal'dorei. and of the central-- of thecliffkeep mountains. sam: so cool.
matt: you glance around, and there are the edgesof a forest here. a lot of them are stockier trees, and things that live in harsh environments,and a lot of them are rooted in cracks in the ground, and portions of the rock that have splitopen. down within this valley, you can already see what appear to be dozens and dozens of trenches,that seem to have been dug. and there are areas of this valley that appear to have eroded orcollapsed. like small, long rockslides that are just kind ofdotting the edges of the mountain walls. down towards the center you can see, also,a cluster of dozens and dozens of small abodes, it looks like. homes, huts, structures made ofrock. this is terra, this is the earth ashari village here. currently guarding over thelocalized rift to the earth elemental plane.
you guys are traversing down into it? marisha: yep matt: it takes you a short time, you find one ofthe paths that kinda zigzags down the side of this mountain drop, and make your way in towards thecenter. the sun is now-- i'd say at this time, just over the very top, kind of noon-ish portionof the day. you begin to walk your way in and it's very warm here, partially because the-- it'snorthern enough where usually it's a colder temperature on the island-- don't you even,you motherfucker. liam: wow. you lasered in on that like nobody'sbusiness! travis: (gunshots)
matt: i'm a little sensitive matt: but the further down you get it is just--the tree line has stopped and it is just rock, stone, that is reflecting the light and it iswarm. you're starting to find yourself sweat in your full armor as you traverse deeper and deeperinto the center of this mountain valley. marisha: it's always like 20 degrees warmer in thevalley. laura: (laughs) terrible. matt: disadvantage on the next roll. taliesin: thank you for turning us into an episodeof california, yes. liam: that's a little bit of los angeles actorhumor for you guys over in sweden today.
travis: (surfer accent) californians. taliesin: to get to critical role, take the 101with the 5 to get up to burbank to get to critical role. liam: for all you fans in germany, that's a littlesan fernando valley humor! taliesin: from beautiful downtown burbank. sam: i loved it, you can do no wrong. marisha: i like tary. matt: yeah. so as you continue downward,you get maybe a quarter-mile into this walk, still relatively far from the village, before--and you recognize this. you watch as one of the
nearby trenches, (earth moving) shifts upabout two feet in stone, and you watch as three figures step out from within the trench and beginwalking towards you. travis: are we killing these? marisha: stop-- no, no? these are-- grog! travis: sorry, but-- taliesin: they're sending us to the things we'regoing to kill. travis: oh! okay. marisha: everyone, wait for a second. i stepforward a second. matt: okay. you watch as three humanoidsapproach.
travis: lambchop-looking motherfucker. sam: just a stick. just a stick. it doesn't doanything. taliesin: it's from the walking company. matt: they are clad in darkened leathers, furs, and it looks like a lot of the armor and garb here is taken from hunted creatures and animals that have beenprepared and tanned, here within the sun-wracked center of this mountain valley. the two to the--flanking the central figure appear to be human, male and female, both very short, kind of tossedhair. then at the center you see what appears to be a surprisingly short, but very stocky andthick, half orc female. as she approaches she
has-- the hair is woven back into these thickbraids that are pulled into a singular, what looks like a topknot, on the upper back of her skull.her jaw protrudes a bit, you can see the two lower fangs kinda pushing past the lips. marisha: is this patisse? matt: no, this is-- travis: lower fangs? laura: she's a half orc. liam: yeah, she's got the big teeth. matt: this is rockcaller dryden.
laura: rockcaller--? matt: dryden. laura: not that i would know that. liam: (sing-song) rock caller dryden sam: good old rcd. marisha: do i know dryden from before? matt: you do. matt: this is not the headmaster of the tribe, matt: but one of the central sentinels that'saround this portion here.
marisha: yeah, yeah. matt: approaches you, and for a moment puts a handout almost to hail you, and then recognizes your face and steps forward. "keyleth? what brings you to terra?" marisha: kaitiaki, dryden. matt: kaitiaki. marisha: how are you? matt: we are well. marisha: have you fared well here recently,in the past several months?
matt: we have hunkered down. our business was tomake sure that no more of the rifts befall thesame fate of the pyrah. marisha: have you talked to cerkonos or korren atall? matt: not recently, no. marisha: we have slayed the chroma conclave.all the dragons are dead. matt: then this is a time for celebration. matt: i will pass this along. marisha: i was wondering if i could speak toheadmaster patisse. matt: perhaps, but what do you wish to speak on?
marisha: i am intent on continuing my journey onto the water ashari tribe. and i need information from him. matt: to the vesrah. very well. i could help youwith this information if need be. marisha: is patisse indisposed? matt: no. no, right this way. marisha: i mean it would just be nice to, like,say hi. while i'm here at least. matt: "very well." they turn around and begin tolead you back towards the outskirts of the city, not directly into terra itself, but as youapproach, and walk past, you can see the ground here-- every ten minutes or so you feel a suddenshift, and a slight quake beneath your feet.
the landscape here, the closer you walk to thecenter of the village, seems to be in this perpetual state of shifting rock. and you watch asdifferent areas kind of collide. areas of stone kind of (cracking noise),and rocks tumble down. parts of it break and crack and reform. at one point, as you guys arenot maybe 200 feet out from the first major structures, the ground has one major spike.(loud rock slide) and you hear this heavy rolling rumble, and you watch as, maybe 300 feet off fromthe side, a new pinnacle is formed. two big plates kind of (crack), jut upward, one kind of coastingover the other and coming to a halt. there is very heavy localized seismic activity as part of theproximity to the rift of the earth elemental plane here. and you watch as three druids come rushingout of the side of the terra tribe, and as they
focus, the rocks (crumbling noises) crumble backdown and subside. the central mountain landscape, here, brought back to a momentary beat of peaceand quiet. marisha: i'm like a new yorker on a subway. matt: yeah. just going straight in. marisha: i'm just like, whatever. used to this. laura: must wreak havoc on the localarchitexture. travis: architexture? laura: architexture. marisha: oh, it's built-- we've got infrastructurebuilt for that sort of thing.
it's fine, they're used to it here. matt: right. as you progress inward, and some ofthe other terra ashari-- laura: shut your mouth, you wouldn't even knowwhat architecture is! matt: different visual representations. someappear to be more ornamental. jewelry seems to be here, like jewels and metallics used, it seems toconnote a level of prestige within the tribe, and every individual that walks, usually with acluster or protectors around them, or at least, seems to be in a place of notable importancewithin groups, seems to be more adorned in this natural-based jewelry. you know exactly where togo to head straight to the hut in which the headmaster resides and as--
liam: and i'm watching her stride through herewith confidence, just impressed. marisha: rockcaller. rockcaller. oh jerry! how youbeen? how's the kids? liam: jerry! jerry! marisha: jerry! jerry! matt: what looks to be a heavy wooden doorway,built out of a series of tree trunks that are strapped to this one area. just (tree trunksshifting) shifts open and now you see, walks a very tall, thin, and older, like mid-60s humanmale, who is adorned in a similar tattoo pattern as the rockcaller you saw earlier. but it seems toreside from the center of the cheeks and through the jowls and then crosses across the neck andthen
across the arms all the way down to the fingertips. laura: (quietly) tight. matt: and there are certain portions which arebroken up by hard lines, it's like this parallel intersection multiple times as the tattooprogresses down. very, very loose, almost a flowing central shoulder-based robe that tossesdown the front of the body and meets with a long skirt that drags behind him as he steps out.and as he looks over in the direction of you, you can see the eyes are very hardened, dark,deep brown in color, and the sockets are very weathered, his skin texture in general is prettyweathered. he looks over towards you, clean-shaven, short white hair, puts a hand up.
"keyleth, you grace the terra with your presence.what can we be of service to you for?" marisha: i stand more in attention, more formal. good to see you, patisse, it's been quite some time. matt: you as well. marisha: i just came to check in after the recentevents in the world, make sure everyone was okay. matt: everything seems to be fine. we've beenintent of care to the rift, and from the word that seems to have passed quickly since your arrivalover the past few days, it's come to our attention that thordak no longer sits in the center of thecity of emon. marisha: that's correct. we've also slain hisright-hand man, raishan, who seemed to be the
mastermind of the entire orchestration. matt: good. good and well done. marisha: thank you. i couldn't have done itwithout your help and training, so i appreciate that. matt: you are but a seed, you allowed it togerminate. so what do you need? marisha: well, i'm intent on continuing on with myaramente now that there's relative peace in the world. the vesrah people are quite insular,of course. i was wondering if you could give me some advice on how to get there and any advice ingeneral on dealing with them? matt: it has been a long time since i've attendedany sort of gathering with the vesrah. it is for
people of our skill set not the easiest ofjourneys, as many of us are capable of traversing through the sentinels of nature. unfortunately,most of the tree life that exists around vesrah is beneath the water. matt: so your most likely form of transport willbe that of a vessel across the waves. marisha: who's their headmaster there now? do youknow? matt: the headmaster there-- uvenda, the heart ofthe tides. marisha: uvenda. matt: uvenda. marisha: uvenda, the heart of the tides.what can i expect of this uvenda? uvenda.
matt: not what you'd expect. i'll leave it atthat. marisha: that's very vague of you, patisse. matt: well, what would be the fun if i were tounveil the next fold of your aramente? marisha: no, you've got a point. do you recommendby ship or would flight be more appropriate? matt: if you have the means, that is up to you. marisha: all right. any other words ofencouragement? matt: listen closely. keep your friends about you.that should be sufficient. marisha: oh, sorry, i probably should'veintroduced-- by the way, this is my band i've been traveling with, vox machina. and tary. tarydarrington.
sam: lovely to meet you. i have no idea where weare right now. matt: good, keep it that way. marisha: he's new. laura: can i ask a question? is that all right? marisha: of course. laura: is it polite? laura: (quietly) hi, sorry. you mentioned that thewater ashari live under the water. matt: they don't live beneath the water,not entirely. laura: okay, i thought maybe they were likemer-people or something, i wasn't sure.
marisha: that would be awesome. laura: yeah, right? that'd be really cool. laura: cool. so we'll see them above land then ifwe're flying. matt: some of them, yes. laura: some of them. all right, that was myquestion. thank you for your answer. thank you. marisha: are there any other landmarks or ways ofnavigation to find them? they're an island in the middle of the ozmit sea. matt: it's not the island of usual appearance.the beaches and sands of vesrah are built upon a great circular reef. and part of the city liesabove, part of it lies below.
travis: (quietly) sick. marisha: (quietly) awesome. matt: look for the white sands beneath thesurface. some structures will be visible from above. it would lie quite a ways to the southwest,not too far from the hespit. i would recommend perhaps procuring the service of someone who knowsthe sea well. marisha: yes. we were going to look into trying todo that. well, is there anything you need from me, patisse, before we head on? matt: no. just do your best to have your friendskeep the location of our village to themselves. marisha: don't worry, we have many places we'dprefer to keep this way.
matt: good. i trust you all. safe journeys.keep her safe. taliesin: of course. laura: always. matt: the tempest needs a new voice. marisha: thank you for your belief in me.kaitiaki, patisse. matt: kaitiaki, young keyleth. laura: kai... tiaki. marisha: (quietly) good job. taliesin: kaitiaki.
sam: kaiahoga. marisha: what did you say? laura: kamehameha. liam: ticonderoga... pencils. sam: i pull vax aside and say-- liam: what's up, buddy? sam: poise, grace, confidence, she is amazing. liam: yeah? that's true. sam: is she your leader?
liam: sometimes, yeah. sometimes. sam: (quietly) incredible. sam: i'm learning so much already, thank youagain. liam: that's-- you're welcome, that's good.that's good. one step at a time. travis: vax, you made sure tary partook of some ofthe soil here, right? it's an ashari tradition, right? liam: what? are you asking me if he shit here?what are you talking about? travis: no, no. he has to eat-- did you? tary,did you manage to get some of the soil in your mouth?
sam: the what in my mouth? travis: it's a custom here you have to eat thedirt of the earth ashari. liam: i walk off. i'm not getting part of this. sam: absolutely. i will do it. travis: you don't want to be offensive. sam: you're absolutely right. travis: yeah. custom is important. sam: mm-hm. following the local customs,i took a handful of dirt and shoved it down my fucking throat.
matt: (coughs) you go into an immediate coughingfit as the-- sam: (coughs) matt: -- the surface dirt here is built fromconstant colliding of stone and rock, and a lot of it has been ground to almost a fine powder inplaces-- liam: have some volcanic ash. matt: -- yeah, yeah. it's akin to the cinnamonchallenge in a way. travis: just stay with it, the first time's theworst. don't dilute it with any water or anything. taliesin: just thinking, it's like diatomaceousearth. just hateful.
travis: you're toughening up already. travis: ooh, your voice sounds deeper. sam: yeah, that is my vocal cordsbeing covered in dirt. travis: i like this. laura: why are your vocal cords covered indirt? sam: i just ate dirt. laura: why on earth would you eat dirt? sam: i'll go into my satchel and pull out some healing draught, and just-- ah, just take a big gulp.
matt: it feels much better. sam: much better. shall we? taliesin: yes, let's. liam: kiki, what do you think? are we stayinghere for the night, or-- i mean, we just got here, it's the middle of the day, isn't it? laura: can we treestride again today? marisha: yeah, we can. liam: we need to make camp? you need torest? or can we go now? marisha: i'm good. after this we'll probablyhave-- no, i'm good. i mean--
taliesin: we treestride, we get a ship,and then-- marisha: and then i'll be resting. taliesin: -- we spend a night on theship. laura: ooh, i like it. travis: i like it. taliesin: isn't that gonna be fun? taliesin: i haven't been on a ship si-- ohmy, yeah. marisha: are we gonna do the airship, or-- no, i guess we left the airship in whitestone. taliesin: well, we-- technically, we--
marisha: or did we leave it in emon? taliesin: we left it in emon. matt: emon. marisha: hopefully, it's-- you know, let's see if it's still intact. travis: what's wrong with a boat? wehaven't been on a boat. marisha: that's true. taliesin: i'm kind of feeling theboat. travis: yeah, me too. marisha: you guys wanna go on a boat?
liam: you are feeling the boat over the airship? taliesin: i haven't been on a boat in a long time,and i'm feeling a little weird about an airship. liam: i know, but you practically sang balladsfor airships for weeks. taliesin: i know. laura: yeah, and we got one. taliesin: we did-- we could-- travis: he tap-dances on boats. taliesin: i mean, i wouldn't object to it,i just-- liam: so one and done, all right.
marisha: wait, does this mean-- laura: we can be regular pirates now. marisha: does this mean we can get yacht gear ifwe go on a boat-- or pirate gear? liam: i'm on a boat! taliesin: i'm not getting the propershoes. laura: (gasps) pirate gear! marisha: pirate gear! sam: boat shoes? i own boat shoes. taliesin: i knew you would.
liam: what does that mean? travis: you do? sam: they're great, they're flat-soled, they are white, and-- liam: white. taliesin: they are. sam: yes, they are-- marisha: you mean like keds? you're talkingabout keds? taliesin: no, no, they're boating shoes. sam: boat shoes.
marisha: boat shoes. (laughs) taliesin: they're actually boating shoes. i am embarrassed that i know exactly what you're talking about. liam: your boating shoes, i'm sure, are very white. sam: yes, they are. travis: what are they made of, leather? sam: with little leather stripes-- travis: yeah, they're made of leather. sam: and a little sailor's cap.
liam: ooh, no. sam: i have a navigator's kit. matt: he does, it's-- matt: he does. sam: let's set sail! matt: yeah! sam: a sextant and everything. taliesin: that is-- that is myfavorite phrase in the english language, is "i have a kit for that."
marisha: i have a kit for that. (laughs) taliesin: you have just come upon it. matt: i'm so excited that worked out. liam: what is going on? matt: all right. so-- marisha: well, that's fun. matt: you find your way back to the edge of the valley, to the same tree that you made your transport viaplants through-- marisha: i do the touristy thing to 'em again onthe way out, like i do.
matt: pointing out. what is your destinationtree? marisha: (stammers) taliesin: pine. marisha: our keep. greyskull keep. garden. tree. marisha: sorry. that just took a while to find in my brain. laura: i imagine you saying all that as you touchthe tree. marisha: (stammers) it's been a long few weeks. travis: the channel just-- marisha: only the best, only the best.
matt: you transport from the outskirts of terra,find your way back to greyskull keep, and walking towards emon proper. you can see now, even fromthe distance as you approach, the walls, some of the larger buildings, the higher towers and structures that just barely peek over the wall, you can see are already in the process ofrepair. you can see-- laura: wow, that was fast. matt: -- teams of people that are in-- currentlytrying to rebuild and restructure as you enter from the southern gates of the city and enter thestreets, it's more lively than you've ever seen it. people are returning. people are coming back andreclaiming what remains of their homesteads, many of them still intact without a problem.
the damage wasextensive, but not universal in the city, and so i'd say there's still a good 60% to 70% ofthe city that is mostly without damage, and there are areas that are just destroyed, but even those,people are picking up, reclaiming-- there appears to be a process of memorial being constructed onthe outskirts of the cloudtop to remember those who fell in the battle for emon. there is also theskyport, which was on the outskirts of the cloudtop, and up there you can see the skyshipdeera, however it looks to have sustained a severe amount of damage-- liam: damn it! matt: -- in the battle, and is in the process of also receiving its own repairs.
liam: son of a bitch. laura: oh, i hope captain damon's all right. travis: oh, jesus. laura: he's so dreamy. travis: heartthrob damon. taliesin: he's just gotten a little scar. laura: the perfect scar. matt: now he's dangerous damon. marisha: cap damon.
laura: he's got the-- no, he's got theharrison ford. taliesin: is this the harrison ford, or is it the scar right below the cheek so that when he cries it hits the scarand goes down. marisha: oh yeah, and it trickles down. liam: i mean either way, he can make itwork, right? matt: yeah. all right, so what are you guys doing? taliesin: it's like a little pachinko machine of pain. travis: run the canal, run the canal. liam: don't leave me hanging up top. woo!
laura: that was a good one. marisha: pike's here, right? she's in the city. matt: pike is in the city somewhere, you haven't found her, you don't know where she is. marisha: 'cause i imagine she would have goodrecommendations on good crews-- liam: boats. marisha: -- and boats. taliesin: ooh. marisha: so, let's try and find pike. travis: didn't she just say a good crew?she just said to find a good crew.
laura: find a good crew. taliesin: she wouldn't maybe not know,necessarily. marisha: would pike know if there'sa good crew? let's save ten minutes on finding pike. would pike know if there's a goodcrew? matt: pike had one crew that she travelledwith on the ocean-- liam: seems dodgy. sam: they're all dead. taliesin: they're not dead, they just left her. matt: but that crew, i will say for the sake of time, is not currently docked at emon.
liam: she was busy doing push-ups on that cruise. taliesin: one-handed. laura: let's go to the docks, you guys. today. marisha: to the docks! matt: you find yourself at the western docks of emon. liam: ter the dercks! marisha: ter the dercks! taliesin: ter the dercks. matt: you hear the familiar sound of seagullsand other water-based fowl,
mixed with the creaking of wood from large ships that are all making their way in and out of this rather largeport here on the side of the ozmit sea. you can see there's a lot of goods coming into the citynow, as a lot of heavy orders have come from nearby villages to transport goods as part of therecovery, both from the south from the mornset as well as things that were too large to carry bycart from syngorn, and have been coming up along the coast, avoiding dagger bay, and making theirway up to emon. there are a number of individuals around, and who would want to spearhead theinvestigation-- marisha: i'm not good at investigating. who's goodat investigating? laura: i'll go.
matt: roll an investigation check. liam: i'll back you up. me too, me too. taliesin: looks good. laura: 19? liam: 18. oh, you've done me in by one. laura: oh, by one! liam: one. matt: asking about for a while, you eventually-- people point you in the direction of what appears to be an individualnamed dockmaster abban.
marisha: dockmaster oban? liam: abban. matt: abban. a-b-b-a-n. marisha: abban. taliesin: abban. marisha: a-b-b-a-n. matt: you're eventually led to this individual who, pointed out, is dressed simply at first glance. theclothing he wears, just a plain white, billowing shirt, nice tailored pants, and some boots that gojust up to the mid-calf. dark brown-red skin,
completely shaved, smooth, bald, shining in thesun, no facial hair, with piercing blue-grey eyes. as soon as you begin to approach, he's finishinga conversation with someone and turns to you and flashes the brightest of white smiles and goes, "hello! ah, you look like you are looking for somehelp, or in aid of something, yes? no?" matt: you're staring at me. what do you want? laura: we are-- i don't know if you've noticed, but the city has just been saved. matt: i have noticed it, strangely enough.i've watched it be saved, and-- laura: yes, then you maybe saw us in the fray, andnow, after saving this beautiful city, we are on our way to the middle of the fucking sea. wouldsomebody be able to take us?
matt: well, are you looking for a-- to purchase avessel? laura: no. to rent a crew of well-seasoned sailorswho know their way around the ocean. matt: i guess it really depends on the size of thevessel you're taking-- what ship do you have? taliesin: we're looking to-- i'm cutting in fora second-- laura: sure, darling. taliesin: -- charter, dear, charter. you're looking to charter. laura: we're looking to charter a ship. laura: i just learn so much from you, youknow? taliesin: i-- well, this was just--
travis: barf. laura: take over. matt: and where are you travelling? taliesin: no, please. liam: ah, that's complicated. laura: well, just very close to hespit,actually, not far so-- very far southwest-- matt: how close to the hespits? liam: we're hoping for a bit of a discount for thegroup that is responsible for this city still existing.
taliesin: she's much better at this than you. marisha: oh, man. liam: give it a second, please. taliesin: okay. liam: doubting thomas. matt: i have-- i apologise, i do notfollow this train of thought. discount? liam: (sighs) do your fucking thing, whatever. liam: i didn't roll any kind of a check, i just got shat upon, but whatever, do your thing. and i walk off.
travis: i just got shat upon. taliesin: i just-- i don't feel the dice were necessary at that point. travis: (laughs) shat upon. liam: i do! i do! they're necessary all the time. all the time! except when it comes-- travis: do i? liam: --to me. go, go, do your thing. do your thing. i'm gone. matt: no, you-- okay. vax walks away before he finishes his point, and doesn't get to make his roll.
liam: yep. liam: yeah, yeah, whatever, matthew, whatever. matt: what? liam: what roll? sam: we'll never know. laura: forgive my brother, he gets very embarrassed when he talks about how much we've saved. humblecreature. matt: i'm still very confused here. you're asking for a discount, why? because the city was saved?
laura: oh, well i wasn't, of course not. matt: look, i don't know who youare, i don't know what you're trying to do here-- travis: we killed all the dragons. matt: --but we're in the process of trying to recover the economy of what was once a very strongeconomy, of a town that has been under attack. now, we cannot offer discounts to anybody becauseright now, we're all in financial dire straits. laura: understandable. matt: so, if you're going to ship, if you're goingto move,
if you're going to charter, if you're going topurchase, it's going to have to be the ask-- laura: we're looking to charter a ship, full of sailors, who can get us to a circular reef to the southwest, near thehespit. matt: captain adella. that would be yourbest bet. laura: captain adella. matt: "now." and he points off to the end of one of the nearest docks, there's two that are close by,and there's a long row of various ships that are in the process of being loaded and unloaded,but there appears to be one sailing ship. they have some galleys and long-ships along theside, but there's a sailing ship with the sails
currently tied up and bound to the mast,and a crew that is lounging on the deck. there is a woman, towards the edge, that's justwalking past. you cannot make out a lot of details from this point, but he points over. "that is captain adella. she will be able to help you." laura: thank you so much, dockmaster. matt: of course. now, if you wish to charter, speak with her. let her know that the dockmaster is the one that brought you that point,and all shall be well. laura: wonderful. matt: "all right. good luck, travel safe."and he turns around and walks aw--
laura: percy, do we tip him? i don't know how thisworks. taliesin: no, i think we just-- sam: no, we do not tip him. laura: oh, all right. travis: can i just ask before we leave,how much are the ships that are for sale? matt: oh! well, it depends on the ship that you are looking for. for a long-ship, no crew of course, which is a fairly decent speed, requires maybe 30 to 40 rowers, and a handful of deck hands, that would run you about 10,000 gold pieces? laura: oh, that's it?
taliesin: that's a long-ship-- travis: just let me ask the important questions,you all retire. laura: we don't even need that. taliesin: we need a big-- we need abigger ship. travis: if i wanted a ship that had, let's say,this many sails, and came with a crew, how much would that be, about? matt: are you talking about a fully outfittedgalleon? travis: that. taliesin: yes, yes you are.
matt: i would put that... well, i mean the crew you'd have topay whatever they're asking, but for the actual ship, the general asking price can range somewherein around 30,000 to 40,000 gold pieces. travis: 30,000 to 40,000 pieces, that's what i thought. yep. thank you. matt: right. obviously a man of the world. taliesin: do you want a galleon, grog? travis: these dock pretzels are amazing. sam: he's literally picking up dried pieces of seagull poop. taliesin: there is this thing for seasickness, with seaweed--
laura: dock pretzels. travis: it's not pretty. marisha: grog, that's-- that's not like freepeanuts at the tavern. taliesin: that's not-- that's... laura: that was so gross. travis: really crunchy. marisha: the profile of that. laura: oh my god. liam: there's protein in everything. everything.
travis: well, let's go get a ship. laura: oh my god. wow. we could seriously buy a ship. taliesin: we could, or we could just-- laura: i mean we have no need for a ship. taliesin: what are we going to do when we're donewith it? taliesin: i know, really. laura: we've gotta be frugal, even though we don'thave to be, we should be. taliesin: it's not even frugal, this is just what you do once you have money-- laura: exactly.
taliesin: -- you only buy things you need, and justlease everything else. it's very, very common. it's all good. taliesin: this is very true. matt: all righty. as you guys walk to the edge of the-- taliesin: leasing. liam: it's true. matt: --aforementioned dock that waspointed out, you come to the outskirts of thislarger sailing ship, and as you begin to walk up, and your footfalls 'clack-clack, clack-clack,clack' against the dock, a couple of the
deckhands that are kind of leaning off to theside, kind of just looking up, one of them appears to be taking a hit off of a flask of some kind,both hear the footfalls and get up and turn around, spin and look. "cap'n? cap'n!" and they kind of point over and thecoat-wearing figure that you saw walking across the deck of the ship spins around, and begins toabruptly quicken her pace in the direction of the gangplank that leads off onto the side of thedock. as she comes up to the edge, reaching and grabbing the sides of it, you see before you awoman with long, sea-air tattered mass of hair. it is just this halo of crimped, curled,and wild dark hair that's also been sun-bleached to the point where the tips kinda go light.it is crazed in appearance immediately as she
arrives. she looks spry and somewhat young,maybe late 20s early 30s, but her skin has been very heavily weathered from all these days at sea,and you can see already she's getting these crows nests at the corners of her face, but has a verybright smile, and her light brown coat hangs just past her calf-high boots. she looks like the kindof woman who captains a ship. as she glances over, "hi. you looking for a crew?" marisha: you look like a pirate! matt: i do not look like a pirate. why wouldyou say that? taliesin: she meant it as a compliment. marisha: where do you buy your clothes?
matt: are you looking for a crew or not? laura: why, yes we are! i assume you'recaptain adella. matt: yes. (laughs) i see my reputation precedes me. taliesin: by about ten feet. laura: yes, it does. dockmaster abban speaksvery highly of you. do you know your way around the ozmit? matt: quite a bit actually, i do. where you looking to go? laura: near the hespit sea? near the hespit? i don't know what the fuck i'm talking about. marisha: yep, that's right. southwest.
liam: hespit-bound. laura: ish. matt: no. we don't travel to the hespit. that's-- laura: it's near the hespit, not quite-- marisha: have you stumbled upon vesrah? matt: vesrah, i know of. laura: oh! perfect. matt: i know of it. laura: goodness gracious.
taliesin: we would be excited to make it worth your while. matt: how worth your while? laura: how worth our while are you thinking? taliesin: what is your while worth, i imagine? matt: well, we have a crew here, 12 deckhands, my captaining and navigating skills, a first mate, and the use of the ship... that would run you-- let's put it at 150 gold per day for chartering theship. taliesin: there's six of us and a bear. taliesin: the bear sleeps in jewelry.
sam: and a robot. taliesin: oh, and a robot. an automaton. can isay automaton? sam: he doesn't eat, it'll be fine. matt: well this has certainly got real interesting, didn't it? all right! so, have we a deal? taliesin: 150 gold a day? liam: that's nothing for us. laura: how many crew-- 12-man crew? liam: vex'ahlia. we have so--
laura: no, i think that's a fair price. matt: all right. so. sam: she is such not a good negotiator. what is going on? liam: hey, buddy? sam: oh, sorry. liam: there's a lot of-- sam: i will be quiet. liam: -- inner working dynamics in this groupthat you don't know anything about-- sam: i'll be-- you're right.
liam: if you'd just wait a bit, all right? sam: you're right, i will be quiet. liam: that sounds good. taliesin: i'm so pleased. matt: "fine. you've found yourself a leader, a captain, and a partner." shakes your hand. "so." travis: are you all right? laura: honestly, i feel... matt: vesrah, you say? crazywater folk. who am i to judge? but yes, six to
seven days travel at sea, depending on theweather, of course. storms are common this time of year, do keep in mind we will be passing north ofthe hespit, so be wary of any wandering bandit ships. laura: bandit ships? marisha: not pirates. matt: or pirates, you can call them pirates as well, but we already had that conversation. marisha: and you are definitely not-- matt: nope. marisha: --a pirate.
matt: not anymore. marisha: nope. you just look really cool. travis: what kinda weapons you got on this ship? matt: oh! we've got some ballistae. we travel with speed. travis: oh. it's a fast ship? liam: what d'you mean? matt: fast ship. liam: you got-- you got nothing? marisha: oh, we don't need weapons. we're weapons!
laura: we're weapons. taliesin: we're quite fierce. marisha: we're the most deadly thing in this land. laura: how often do sea monsters sprout up onyou? ever? i've never been on the sea. matt: often enough. marisha: often enough? liam: we have, we were just way highabove it. laura: well yeah, not like in it. travis: oh that's true, we have never been in a boat, yeah.
taliesin: actually, that's a good question. how many of us have actually been on a ship before? liam: i'm afraid of getting nauseous, actually. taliesin: am i really-- come on. sam: i had a boat-- laura: you own boat shoes. sam: i had a boat in one of my larger baths thati would take at night, and it would go on epic adventures through the bubbles! but neverquite at sea. travis: what was the boat's name?
sam: the boat was the ss... ... that's it. taliesin: even better than i could have possibly imagined. matt: that's adorable. well, welcome to my ship.she is called the drensala vis-- sam: that's such a cool name. liam: drensala vis. marisha: drensala vis. liam: drensala vis! taliesin: the drensala vis.
matt: it is marquesian for luck of the mother. taliesin: mother lucker. liam: mother lucker. matt: treat her well and she'll treatyou well in kind. respect my crew, respect my authority, respect our direction, and we'll dojust fine. so! to the crazy water people. welcome on board the drensala vis. taliesin: aye, captain. laura: do we need anything? do we need anythingbefore we do-- marisha: did she just say crazy water people?
liam: too many mother luckers! laura: let's do it! marisha: i don't think we need anything. do we need anything? taliesin: i think as long as the ship is prepared and has-- travis: anything you can buy on dry land? taliesin: --everything stocked, everything it needs, i think we're just reasonable. travis: i've got a couple canisters of underwater breathing that nobody else has. taliesin: and i have the remnants of severalbottles of liquor. i'm quite pleased. marisha: i will come stacked with some water-breathing stuff.
i think we can do it to eight people forlike an hour or something like that? travis: there you go. liam: that'll help in the middle of the ocean. marisha: that'll definitely help. laura: do you think that raven's slumber iswaterproof? matt: you imagine the enchantment probably is waterproof. laura: all right. i would hate to-- little baby, mini trinket in there gets like drowned or something if i'm underwater. liam: yeah. you don't wanna drop the iphone in the toilet.
laura: exactly. or the bathtub. travis: about what time of day is it right now? liam: what do you mean? matt: right now, it's a little bit past three o'clock in the afternoon. travis: shouldn't we go out early in the morning? taliesin: why? travis: isn't that what you do? you, like, set sail-- sam: you can sail all night while we sleepon the ship. laura: i wanna sleep on the ship!
marisha: it's gonna be like a seven-hour trip--or a seven-day trip. taliesin: you're gonna get to sleep on a hammock,grog. liam: you can spend days on a ship. taliesin: there'll be a hammock. travis: what if it's only a three-hour tour? liam: tary, there wo-- what is that in referenceto? taliesin: no. i'm not even dignifying thatwith a groan-- travis: come on, tal, you're with me. taliesin: that would not even-- i expectbetter of you.
liam: it would make for a goodbeginning of a chapter to set out at dawn. sam: that is true. poetically it would be nice, but-- taliesin: he could just write that we setout at dawn. sam: i am eager to get my adventuring on, l.e.b., so i am eager to go. travis: all right, yeah. taliesin: little elf girl. l.e.b. little elf boy. travis: i'm fine with that. marisha: adella. matt: yes?
liam: little elf boy? marisha: oh, been on the sea a little long. is your crew ready to go? or would it be better to set sail in the morning? matt: well. we leave at your leisure,but we're not against the idea of a raucous final evening at the local tavern. laura: how many beds do you have on that ship? sam: you're asking us to get her drunk? liam: i mean-- sam: is that what's happening?
liam: we've really been through theshit, so i'm not opposed. just saying. matt: not including for my crew? we have bunksfor at least 15 other passengers. laura: bunks? or rooms? i mean, obviously youdon't have rooms for-- matt: between the bunks, six rooms. liam: how many bunks per room? matt: two or three, depending. liam: that's weird. taliesin: no, no. it's quite common. laura: no, it's totally doable.
liam: no, it's weird. taliesin: no, it's quite common. liam: i disagree. taliesin: i think it's perfectly fine. liam: well, you're fucked. laura: let's just go. matt: if you don't find-- liam: yeah. fuck it. matt: "good! grab your things! on this ship! let's set sail!"
starts giving out orders to her crew,seems to now kind of come to life, and they're starting to go ahead and start pulling up anchor,they're starting to get the sails ready. you already can feel the spray of the water asthe tide's coming in now, the water's starting to get a little choppier as it's hitting up againstthe side of the docks and the shore end. sam: a sea voyage. this is unprecedented. liam: oh, jeez. sam: doty, take down every word of anyone sayinganything ever on this whole trip. this is amazing. i'm so excited. matt: doty stops for a second, leans back, and then starts scribbling furiously
at anything that he can pick up within earshot. liam: tary, staring off into the distance, shat his pants. crying, into his poo-- sam: well, okay, all right, so zing, you got me. travis: he pulls out of his waistband-- travis: -- and notices the tiny member between his legs. sam: you're smarter than i thought, you. liam: no, i'm as smart as you thought i was. matt: eventually, the ship disembarks,and begins making its way further out into the water, just as the sun begins toset into the slightly orange, purple, and dark
blues of the end of daylight. you can see thevarious lights in emon come on, especially towards the dock, as the night comes to life. and out theopposite side, the sparse clouds that are scattered in the distance, the ship picks up thewinds and pushes with guiding speed out to the southwest, into the depths of the ozmit sea. and that's where we'll pick up next session! taliesin: and so-- marisha: moana! taliesin: as our ship sinks slowly in thewest, we bid farewell! marisha: it just slowly sinks.
matt: i finally get to use the oceanvoyage audio! (all cheer) matt: had that on my playlist for a long-ass time. marisha: ocean voyage! matt: awesome. marisha: we're going on a cruise, you guys! matt: that took some interesting turns tonight! marisha: now we learn how shitty cruises are. taliesin: i love ships. ships are great.
liam: everybody's vomiting. matt: pretty much. taliesin: i think i'm the only character who's spent some time on a boat, at this point. marisha: well, and pike. taliesin: who's been on a ship. and pike-- marisha: well, pike's not here-- matt: yeah, pike's still back at home.ashley, come back to us! laura: i know! matt: blindspot, stop filming! you finished yourseason, right?
liam: almost, almost. laura: almost. so close! liam: getting there. matt: we'll get her back. guys, thank you so much. liam: what an episode. matt: ridiculous fucking people. marisha: that was so good. matt: we're gonna pick up next week, as you headdeeper into the ozmit sea towards vesrah. thank you again loot crate for being our awesomesponsors this evening--
all: lootcrate! matt: -- you've been fantastic. the restof you guys, rest well, sleep well, and is it thursday yet? laura: i'll most likely kill you in the morning. matt: have a good night. [art]
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