Januari 30, 2017
from that terrifying swan at your local parkto psychopathic bottlenose dolphins, we count fifteen cute and cuddly animals that willsend you to an early grave if given the chance! 15 – pufferfish,ⷠpufferfish are the squeak toys of the ocean. these derpy-looking little guys look so cuteand friendly. when threatened, they’ll expand to roughly three times their size to showyou they mean business, but this will probably just make your smile grow even larger.ⷠwhat won’t make you smile is the potent poison they secrete within their tiny littlespines. this neurotoxin can easily kill a human, and pufferfish are consid-ered thesecond most poisonous vertebrae on the planet. ⷠpufferfish is considered a delicacy inasia because what’s fine dining without
a little risk of death? 14 – slow loris,ⷠsouth-east asia’s slow loris looks a lot like a baby ewok – and it’s just asdeadly. ⷠthis deceptively dangerous teddy bear releasespoison from the sides of its el-bows, then mixes with its saliva into its fur. contactwith the poison can cause anaphylactic shock and, potentially, death!ⷠthe doe-eyed slow loris has a pretty dangerous bite, too. death has never looked cuter.13 – moose, ⷠmoose have one of those comically dopeyfaces that is all too easy to confuse for a friendly nature.ⷠbut these canadian locals will show you
what’s the word ‘territorial’ is alla-boot with their deadly charge and aggression. bull moose have been known to kill humanswith their powerful antlers. ⷠin fact, more people are annually attackedby moose than by bears – particular-ly during springtime when moose become extra vigilantabout defending their calves. 12 – cassowary,ⷠanother deadly animal with a cute and curious look. these flamboyant austral-ian birds havefickle temperaments and can go from being your best friend to chasing you at high-speedand disembowelling you with their five-inch clawed feet.ⷠpossibly descended from a line of prehistoric flightless birds called emuaris, the cassowaryis thought to share the same killer instinct
as its dinosaur ancestors. it’s like a featheredvelociraptor and is capable of speeds up to thirty-one miles per hour. oh, and if youthink you’re safe in that tree, you aren’t: casso-waries can jump 1.5 meters. truly thestuff of nightmares. 11 – blue-ringed octopus,ⷠthe compact, colourful and subjectively cute blue-ringed octopus is incredibly venomous.ⷠat just five-to-eight inches big, these guys pack enough venom to bring down a humanin minutes. there’s currently no antivenom to its poison, so if you see one you’d bebest swimming in the opposite direction really, really fast.ⷠknown side effects of their venom include nausea, respiratory arrest, heart failure,paralysis and blindness. it’s like a smorgasbord
of death!10 – giant panda, ⷠnothing’s cuddlier than a panda. in fact,chinese tourists spend hundreds to give these giant bears a hug. this is because pandashave a reputation for being docile – so docile that they sometimes can’t even bebothered reproducing. ⷠdon’t be fooled, though, they aren’ttoo lazy to literally tear you tear you limb from limb if you piss them off. these iconicblack and white bears sport razor-sharp claws and teeth that can crunch down with more thantwo and half tonnes of pressure. ⷠthey spend most of their days eating bamboo,but are officially classed as carni-vores, and there have been numerous documented attackson humans.
9 – poison dart frog,ⷠpoison dart frogs are small, cute and colourful – so how could something meet-ing that descriptionkill you? ⷠwell, as its name implies, this frog iscrazy poisonous; in fact, american indians used to tip their blowgun darts with its venom.ⷠits vibrant colours may be beautiful to look at, but they’re essentially nature’sway of warning you to stay the hell away. a single frog has enough toxin to kill twentymen or ten thousand mice, so these amphibians are destined to walk alone.8 – wolverine, ⷠsure, hugh jackman’s dashing in a certainlight, but this cute-but-deadly crea-ture entry refers not to the marvel superhero,but the miniature bear-like wolverines!
ⷠalthough they look cute, wolverines arelike weasels on steroids. they have voracious appetites and are known for their ferocity,for fearing nothing, and for taking down wild moose!ⷠfor their size, wolverines are some of the strongest animals around, and their razor-sharpclaws and crushing jaws are deadly. although there have been no reported cases of wolverineskilling humans, it’s more than possible. ⷠif you meet one in its home environment– the snow – you’re shit out of luck. 7 – elephant,ⷠelephants are loveable giants with big doofy-looking trunks. we often associate themwith peace and wisdom, but they’ve been known to have unexpected bouts of rage andvindictiveness.
ⷠwhen mistreated or rampaging, elephantscan use their extreme bulk and strength to cause widespread carnage.ⷠin india and africa, elephant bulls have been known to wipe out entire villages, bulldozinghomes and murdering people. reportedly two hundred humans are killed by vindictive elephantsevery year in india. as they say, an elephant never forgets.6 – primates, ⷠprimates are adorable creatures known fortheir incredible intelligence and acts of empathy. they also famously possess brutestrength and can harbour dead-ly diseases like hepatitis c.ⷠalthough they might be played for comedy in movies, a provoked or threat-ened primatewill quickly turn vicious and can tear its
victims apart with its fists and fangs.ⷠlesser primates exhibit very unpredictable behaviours and can easily grab vic-tims bytheir hair and slam their heads if the whim takes them. they even pelt their victims withfaeces, which is pretty hardcore. ⷠon four recorded occasions in the lastfifty years, chimpanzees have abducted, killed and eaten human babies. they wrenched themfrom their mother’s arms, dragged them into the forest and gruesomely devoured them.5 – giant anteater, ⷠyou might not think a creature that eatsharmless itty-bitty ants would pose much threat to humans, but a 2014 case proved this shaggybehemoth has enough strength to take down two armed hunters just by grabbing them.ⷠthe incident happened in brazil, where
the anteaters used their blade-like clawsto puncture the men’s arteries. in another 2007 incident, a zookeeper was disembowelledby one of the creatures. ⷠfortunately, this sort of behaviour isuncommon; the seven-foot mammal ordi-narily only uses its claws to deconstruct termitemounds and ants nests. just don’t get in between it and its ant buffet.4 – bottlenose dolphin, ⷠthe agile and majestic bottlenose dolphinis considered one of the friendliest creatures in the ocean – there have even been reportsof dolphins banding together to save humans from drownings or shark attacks! – but justlike how there are good and bad people, some dolphins have proven themselves jerks thatwill kill other species for fun.
ⷠcase in point: these vindictive mammalsharass humans by dragging them un-derwater, and they like to drown sharks by hitting themin the gills with their long noses. ⷠover the last two decades, marine biologistshave studied the mangled corpses of baby dolphins and porpoises as they wash up on shore, concludingthat bot-tlenose dolphins like to viciously murder their own children … the animal king-domis full of cases like this, but marine biologists were alarmed by what the dolphins were doingto porpoises: they would hunt them down, beat them to death and play with their corpsesfor no readily apparent reason. ⷠreports have also flown in from all overthe world of sexually frustrated male dolphins attempting to rape human women. in 1994, amale bottlenose on the brazilian coast killed
one of two male swimmers in an effort to getto their fe-male companion. forget everything you learnt from flipper, people!3 – platypus, ⷠthe platypus is a cute, kind of funny-lookingabomination, in the scheme of an-imal creation. it’s so ridiculous biologists refused tobelieve it was real when it was first discovered. ⷠnative to australia, platypi have the billof a duck, the tail and body of a beaver, and poisonous freaking spurs on their hindfeet! that’s right: during domi-nance duels, or when threatened, a male platypus will thrustits rear legs into its attacker multiple times, injecting brutal amounts of venom potent enoughto incapacitate a human. ⷠtangling with a platypus will leave a humanin the emergency room writhing in muscle-impaired
agony for months, so maybe stick to gawkingat them at aus-tralian zoos. 2 – cats,• cats rule the human-engineered interwebs, so don’t be surprised to learn that somehave overthrown their masters. • specifically, cats can be hazardous topregnant women, as they can cause an in-fection called toxoplasmosis. all cats are hosts ofthis infectious parasitic dis-ease and they pass it along through their stool.• this can cause huge problems for pregnant women – abortion, in some ex-treme cases– so if your pregnant wife asks you to empty the litter tray, be a sport and do it.1 – mice, • in addition to being potential contagionsfor numerous deadly diseases, mice, like cats,
leave droppings that can be deadly to humans.• harmless-looking mice can carry something called the hantavirus, which is transferredthrough their poo. any humans who breathe in these faecal parti-cles can develop aninfection, which will lead to hantavirus pulmonary syn-drome – a fatal disease.• my advice? get a pet rock instead.
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