Januari 02, 2017
winter light our lord, jesus christ,on the night he was betrayed, took bread, gave thanks, broke it, and gave itunto his disciples, saying: take and eat, this is my bodywhich is given up for you, do this in remembrance of me, likewise he took the cup,gave thanks, and gave it to them, saying,drink ye all of it, for this is my bloodof the new testament
which is shed for manyfor the remission of sin, do this, as oft as ye drink it,in remembrance of me, let us now pray together,even as our lord jesus hath taught us, our father, who art in heaven,hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come, thy will be done,on earth as it is in heaven, give us this day our daily breadand forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive thosewho trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation,but deliver us from evil, for thine is the kingdom,and the power, and the glory forever,
amen, the peace of god be with you, o lamb of god that takest awaythe sins of the world give us salvation, o merciful lord hear our prayers, o merciful lord that takest away the sins of the world grant us peace
and bless our day look straight aheadand fold your hands, the body of our lord jesus christ,which was given for you, the body of our lord jesus christ, the blood of christ, shed for thee, the grace and peace of our lordjesus christ be with you all, amen, go in the peace of the lord, thanks, let us pray,
we thank thee, almighty father,who, through thy son jesus christ, hast instituted this holy communionto our consolation and bliss, we pray thee: give us graceso to commemorate jesus on earth that we may be partakersin thy great communion in heaven, give thanks and praiseunto the lord, praise and thanks be unto the lord hallelujah humble your hearts before godand receive his blessing, the lord bless youand preserve you,
the lord let the lightof his countenance shine upon you, and be gracious unto you, the lord turn his face toward you and grant you peace, in the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost, yet, dear lordi bow down in prayer take my hand firmly into thine lead me then, my dearest savior
take me to the land divine and where earthly woes are ended and my course is finally run thou wilt take my spirit with thee to share eternityin that house of thine time to go home, - you don't look so good,- i just need some rest, can't reverend bromstake the service at frostnã¤s? no, he's takingthe new car out for a spin,
- i bet you have the flu,- my throat's pretty sore, tomas, how did it turn out?- what? - did you find a housekeeper?- no, you won't be able to manageon your own in the long run, i’ve managedfor five years now, why don't you ask mã¤rta lundberg? she's dying to help you out, i’d be glad to ask her,
no, thank you, - hello, pastor ericsson,- hello, mr. frã¶vik, - hi there, aronsson,- hi, algot, how are you?thanks for the sermon, can we help you with something? no, i thought i might be of service, well, there was one thing, i need to talk to you, pastor, i’ll be at frostnã¤s at three,
and you'll have time to see me? of course, after the service, i’ll be at the church an hourbeforehand to turn the heat up, will we be using the same hymns? you don't look well, i’ve come down with a cold, i bet it's the weather,i always - right, he has his disability pensionfrom the railway company
and a pittance for his servicesfrom the church council, i suppose, you have a visitor, mrs. perssonwould like to have a word, i’ve got to talk to you, pastor, yes, of course, i’ll call you this eveningin case you need a hand, thanks, but that's not necessary, please have a seat, good-bye, mr. and mrs. persson,
you wished to speak to me? yes, actually, that's not the whole truth, actually, jonas is the one - but he won't talk about it, so this morning i decided we shouldcome to church and see someone, you see, we're feeling so lost, well, not me so much, but jonas is at his wit's end,
could you talk to him, please? of course, how long have you felt troubled? it started last spring,jonas read about china in the papers, the article said the chinese peoplewere brought up to hate... and that it's only a matter of timebefore china has atom bombs, they have nothing to lose,that's what they wrote, it doesn't worry me all that much, maybe i’m just short on imagination,
but jonas can't stop thinking about it,and so we discuss it constantly, though i can't help him much, not with three kidsand one on the way, everyone feels this dread... to some extent, we must trust god, we live our simple daily lives, and atrocities shatterthe security of our world, it’s so overwhelming,and god seems so very remote,
that's right, i feel so helpless, i don't know what to say, i understand your anguish... but life must go on, why do we have to go on living? the pastor's not feeling well,i shouldn't be bothering you with this, besides, we're powerless to do anything,- let's discuss it, that's impossible,
take me home and then come back, you and the pastorneed to talk in private, when can you be back? - we live 10 minutes away,- i’ll see you in 20 minutes, promise the pastor you'll be here, all right, i promise, is your car in the parking lot? yes, off in the corner, i’ll be expecting youwithin half an hour,
i’ll make sure he comes, i’ll be waiting for you, i’ll be waiting right here, what a ridiculous image, oh, it's you, here's something nice and hot, oh, i brought coffee with me, i’m expecting a visitor any minute, don't worry,i won't stay long,
it’s getting pretty cold out, poor tomas, what is it, tomas?- it wouldn't matter to you, tell me anyway, god's silence, god's silence? jonas persson and his wife were here,and i could only spout drivel, yet i had the feeling that each wordwas decisive somehow, what am i to do?
poor little tomas, you should be in bed with a brandy,you're running quite a temperature, why did you take communion? it’s a love feast, isn't it? did you read my letter? no, i haven't had the time, you're hopeless, when did it arrive?- yesterday, it’s on my desk- read it later, when you feel like it,
another sunday in the vale of tears, i don't feel very well, - want me to feel sorry for you?- yes, please, then you'll have to marry me, oh? you should marry me, why? then i wouldn't haveto leave this place, why would you have to leave?
as long as i’m a substitute,i can be transferred, far away from you, we'll see what happens, yes, i know, you can't marry mebecause you don't love me, i’ve got to go, aunt emma is hereand she plans to bake a cake, mã¤rta, yes, tomas,
what if mr. persson doesn't return? then you can get some rest...and read my letter, you don't understand, here's the coffee, now what? poor tomas,i really mean it, i’m not being very nice to you,- you don't say, you're impossible sometimes, ‘‘god's silence,god won't speak,''
god has never spokenbecause god doesn't exist, it’s as simple as that, now you'll get the flu, that's fine,seeing as it's a gift from you, would you like me to stay?- no, that won't be necessary, you have a lot to learn, says the schoolmarm, you must learn to love, and you can teach me that?
i can't, that's not in my power, he has to show up, my love, ‘‘we find it difficultto talk to each other, we're both rather shy, and i tend to retreat into sarcasm,'' that's why i’m writing, i have something important to say,
do you remember last summer, when that awful rashbroke out on my hands? one evening we were in churcharranging flowers on the altar, preparing for a confirmation, do you recallwhat bad shape i was in? my hands all bandaged,and itching so much i couldn't sleep? the skin had flaked off,and my palms were like open sores, we busied ourselves with daisiesand cornflowers, or whatever they were, and i was feeling irritable,
suddenly i got mad at youand challenged you angrily, asking if you actually believedin the power of prayer, you replied that you did, in a nasty tone i asked if youhad prayed for my hands, but it hadn't occurredto you to do so, i melodramatically demandedthat you do it then and there, oddly enough, you agreed, your compliance enraged me,and i tore off the bandages, you remember the rest,
the sight of those open soresaffected you greatly, you couldn't pray, the entire situation disgusted you, i came to understand you later, but you never understood me, we had lived togetherfor some time at that point, almost two years... which at least represented some capitalin the face of our emotional poverty, our caresses...
and our clumsy attemptsto evade the lack of love between us, when the rash spreadto my forehead and scalp... i soon noticedhow you avoided me, you found me repugnant... though you triedto spare my feelings, then the rash spreadto my hands and feet, and our relationship ended, that came as a shock to me, i had to face the fact...
that we didn't love each other, there was no way to hide from that factor turn a blind eye to it, tomas... i have never believed in your faith, mainly because i’ve never beentortured by religious tribulations, my non christian familywas characterized by warmth, togetherness and joy, god and jesusexisted only as vague notions, to me your faith seemsobscure and neurotic,
somehow cruelly overwroughtwith emotion, primitive, one thing in particulari’ve never been able to fathom: your peculiar indifferenceto jesus christ, and now i’m going to tell youabout answered prayers, laugh if you feel like it, personally, i don't believethe two are connected, life is messy enough without taking the supernaturalinto account, you were going to prayfor my weeping hands,
but the rash left youdumbstruck with repulsion, something you later denied, i went berserkand tried to provoke you, be quiet! since you can't pray for me,i’ll do it myself!. god, why have you created meso eternally dissatisfied? so frightened, so bitter? why must i realizehow wretched i am? why must i sufferso hellishly for my insignificance?
lf there is a purposeto my suffering, then tell me, so i can bear my painwithout complaint, i’m strong, you made me so very strongin both body and soul... but you never give mea task worthy of my strength, give my life meaning, and i’ll be your obedient slave, this autumn i realizedthat my prayers had been answered, i prayed for clarity of mind,and i got it,
i realized that i love you, i prayed for a taskto apply my strength to, and i received one, that task is you, this is what the thoughtsof a schoolmarm might run to when the phone refuses to ring,when it's dark and lonely, what i lack entirelyis the capacity to show you my love, i haven't a clue how to do that, i’ve been so miserable,i’ve even considered praying some more,
but i still have a shredof self-respect left in spite of it all, my dearest tomas... this turned out to be a long letter, but now i’ve put down in writingwhat i never dared say when you were in my arms, i love you, and i live for you, take me and use me, beneath all my false prideand independent airs,
i have only one wish: to be allowed to livefor someone else, it’s so terribly difficult, when i think about it, i can't seehow i will be able to pull it off, maybe it's all just a mistake, tell me i’m not wrong, darling, i’m so glad you came,it’s been a long wait, i’m sorry i’m late,
i didn't mean it as a reproach, please, take your coat off,i’ve got some nice hot coffee, i don't expect you spendmuch time at sea this time of year? we just takeshort fishing trips, that's all, plenty to do ashore? yes, i’m building a new boatover at tã¶rnstrã¶m's yard, an excellent establishment, i had my own boat built there, at tã¶rnstrã¶m's yard,
do you have money worries? forgive me for asking, but thingslike that can drive a man to despair, that's true, how long have you consideredtaking your own life? i’m not sure, a long time, have you spoken to a doctor? i mean, are you in good health? as far as i know,
it’s not unusual to - do you get along with your wife? karin's all right, she's all right, so it all boils downto this business about china, listen, jonas, i’m going to be frank with you, you know my wife diedfour years ago, i loved her, my life was over,
i’m not afraid to die, and there was no reasonfor me to hang on, but i did, not for my own sake,but to be of some use, i had great dreams once, i was going to makemy mark on the world, the sort of ideas you havewhen you're young, i knew nothing of evil or cruelty, when i was ordained,i was as innocent as a baby,
then everything happened at once, i was a seaman's pastor in lisbon, during the spanish civil war, i refused to see what was going on, i refused to accept reality, my god and i resided in an organizedworld where everything made sense, you see, i’m no good as a clergyman, i put my faith in an improbableand private image of a fatherly god,
one who loved mankind, of course, but me most of all, do you see, jonas,what a monstrous mistake i made? an ignorant, spoiled and anxiouswretch makes a rotten clergyman, picture my prayers to an echo-god, who gave benign answersand reassuring blessings, every time i confronted godwith the realities i witnessed, he turned into somethingugly and revolting, a spider god, a monster,
so i sought to shield him from life, clutching my image of himto myself in the dark, the only personi showed my god to was my wife, she supported me,encouraged me and helped me, patched up the holes, our dreams, i’d better be going, no, don't go, i want you to understandwhy i talk so much about myself,
so you realize what a wretch i am,what a poor beggar- i must be going,or karin will be worried, please stay a little bit longer, let's have a nice, calm discussion, forgive me for talkingin such a confused manner, but all this suddenly hit me, lf there is no god, would it really make any difference? life would become understandable,
what a relief, and thus death would bea snuffing out of life, the dissolution of body and soul, cruelty, loneliness and fear- all these things would bestraightforward and transparent, suffering is incomprehensible,so it needs no explanation, there is no creator, no sustainer of life, no design,
god... why have you forsaken me? now i’m free, free at last, i had this fleeting hope that everything wouldn't turn outto be illusions, dreams and lies, i have to get ready, the service at frostnã¤sstarts at 3:00, i’m coming with you,
no, i saw your car, pastor,so i came over, fredriksson's boys found him, just down the hill, it’s jonas persson, he shot himselfin the head with his rifle, the police superintendentis at the scene, the boys reported it immediately, i met them on my way here,they were terrified,
could you please guard the bodyuntil the van arrives? good-bye, please call me, good-bye, tomas, maybe we'll talk this week,- do you have any aspirin? - sure, and cough syrup, too,- that might be good, come in, but isn't your aunt visiting? wait in the schoolroom, then,i’ll just be a minute, - hello,- good day,
whose boy are you?- the strands', - how old are you?- ten, - what brings you here on a sunday?- i left something in my desk, - what's the dog's name?-jim, is he yours? he must be your big brother's,the one who'll be confirmed this year, will you goto confirmation class too? why not? i don't know,
does your brother find it boring? well, good-bye, then, good-bye, hello, johan,what brings you here? i left something in my desk, how's your brother pelle? he's much better,he got out of bed friday, he'll be back in schoolby the middle of next week, good, give my love to your folks,
careful, that's hot,it’s really for gargling with, you dissolvethese tablets in hot water, auntie gave them to me,she swears by them, my aunt often suffers from sore throatsand these really help, suit yourself,here's the aspirin, would you like some cold water?- that won't be necessary, you sound so unfriendly, sometimes - sometimes you sound...as if you hated me,
take the whole box if you like,auntie arrived well-stocked, can't i come to frostnã¤s with you? i’m going to the persson's place, i can wait in the car, i thought your aunt baked a cake, i need some time on my own, are you trying to get rid of me? don't do this right now, i don't have the strength,
why do you want to get rid of me? my dear little tomas,you're getting old, you're dissatisfied with life,but most of all with yourself, and here i am throwing myselfin your arms, clouding the issue, or am i forcing it?- you be the judge, you have your dreams,and i pay no attention to them, at times i even despise them, i should have been kinder, - those are just trivialities,- no, they're not,
you've been unlucky, i’m so very bossy,don't bother contradicting me, could you just listen to me? sorry, i’m doing all the talking, i feel humiliated by the gossip, no one used to paymuch attention to the pastor, he was simply a fixture, though no one knew exactlywhat he was good for, then the rumors beganabout you and me,
all that tittle-tattle, so that's your reason? you don't have to sneer at me, marry me, then, it’s hard to plead one's own cause, yes, it certainly is, you can't...you mustn't push me away, how can you be so blind? don't get hysterical,
that's what you always saywhenever you see me crying, i suppose i am a tad hysterical, calm down,don't alarm your aunt, i can't hold back the tears, just go on talking,i can still hear your every word, i thought i’d found a good excuse, all that stuffabout a pastor's reputation, but you didn't bite, and i understand that,
since it was a pack of lies, the real reason is that i don't want you, did you hear that? of course i did, i’m tired of your loving care, your fussing, your good advice, your candlesticks and table runners,
i’m fed upwith your shortsightedness, your clumsy hands, your anxiousness, your timid displays of affection, you force me to occupy myselfwith your physical condition, your poor digestion, your rashes, your periods, your frostbitten cheeks,
once and for all i have to escapethis junkyard of idiotic trivialities, i’m sick and tired of it all, of everything to do with you, why didn't you tell me this before? because of my upbringing, i was taught to regard womenas beings of a higher order, admirable creatures, unassailable martyrs, and your wife?
you hear me? i loved her, and i don't love you,because i love my wife, when she died, so did l, i couldn't care lesswhat happens to me, am i making myself clear? i loved her, and she was everythingyou could never be but insist on trying to be, the way you mimic her behavioris such an ugly parody, i didn't even know her,
i’d better be going... before i spout even worse bitsof senseless drivel, could it get any worse? stop rubbing your eyes like that, sorry, stare all you like, i can take it, i can barely see youwithout my glasses, you're all fuzzy,
and your face is just a white blob, you're not really real, yes, i see that i did it all wrong from the beginning, i’ve got to go,i have to talk to mrs. persson, every time i’ve hated you, i’ve made an effortto turn it into compassion, you can't make it on your own, you won't survive, tomas dear,
nothing can save you, you'll hate yourself to death, can't you be quiet?can't you leave me alone? can't you just shut up? would you like to come along? do you really want me to? or is that fear talking? suit yourself,but i’m asking you to come, of course i’ll come,
i don't have much choice, do l? auntie, i’ll be back by 6:00, she must be asleep,i’ll just go check the stove, your husband is dead, mrs. persson, they've taken him to the infirmary,but there's no hope, he shot himself, so, i’m all alone, shall we readfrom the bible together? i’ve got to let the children know,
i’ll be in all evening,if there's anything i can do for you, i’ll come by sometime this weekto make funeral arrangements, i spoke to him,but there was so little i could do, i’m sure you did what you could, sir, it was my parents' dreamthat i become a clergyman, hello there, those bells rangfor 20 seconds too long, unfortunately, i was busyreplacing the candles, i usually turn on the bells,light the candles,
and make it back in time, but today i bungled it,an unfortunate mishap, but those candleswere tricky to light, probably a factory defect, and i guessmy broken-down body is slowing down my actions, the reason hardly matters, i leave the temple in semidarknessuntil just before the bells start, i believe electric lights disturbour spirit of reverence,
don't you agree, miss lundberg? you asked to have a word with me, yes, about a rather urgent matter, once, when i complained aboutmy pains keeping me up nights, you suggested that i read - i remember, to distract myself, i began with the gospels, and real sleeping potionsthey were too, if i may say so,
at least now and then, now i’ve got as faras the story of christ's passion, and it's given me pause, so i figured i’d discuss it with you,pastor ericsson, i feel compelled to do so, the passion of christ, his suffering, wouldn't you say the focuson his suffering is all wrong? what do you mean? this emphasis on physical pain,
it couldn't have been all that bad, it may sound presumptuous of me, but in my humble way, i’ve suffered as muchphysical pain as jesus, and his torments were rather brief, lasting some four hours, i gather? i feel he was tormentedfar worse on another level, maybe i’ve got it all wrong, but just thinkof gethsemane, pastor,
christ's disciples fell asleep, they hadn't understood the meaningof the last supper or anything, and when the servants of the lawappeared, they ran away, and peter denied him, christ had knownhis disciples for three years, they'd lived togetherday in and day out, but they never graspedwhat he meant, they abandoned him,down to the last man, he was left all alone,
that must have been painful, to realize that no one understands, to be abandonedwhen you need someone to rely on, that must beexcruciatingly painful, but the worst was yet to come, when jesus was nailed to the cross, and hung there in torment,he cried out, ‘‘god, my god, why hast thou forsaken me?''
he cried out as loud as he could, he thought that his heavenly fatherhad abandoned him, he believed everythinghe'd ever preached was a lie, in the moments before he died,christ was seized by doubt, surely that must have beenhis greatest hardship? no service today,not a soul turned up, you don't count, you belong, so to speak,in the sheep pen, so, how are you doing?
that pastor you're running afterisn't worth much, don't deny it, you don't thinka spinster can be choosy, mã¤rta, for your own sake, you can leave this place,so get out as quickly as you can, everything at mittsunda and frostnã¤sis in the grip of death and decay, take me, for instance, remember when i usedto arrange musical soirees on that pile of junk upstairs?
i gave concerts, and the things tomas achieved, people actually attended church, but his wife was his undoing, that got your attention, didn't it? the little woman, my old galoshes knew human naturebetter than tomas did, he only had eyes for her, he was utterly smitten,
so much for their love story, ‘‘god is love and love is god, love proves the existence of god, love is a real force for mankind,'' you see, i know the drill, i’ve been an attentive listenerto the pastor's outpourings, bye-bye, you old turtledove, get out while you can,
hello, you tubercular old wheezer,don't pass your flu on to me, will there be a service? i don't feel well, i can see that, florence nightingale is out there,waiting to minister to your needs, personally,i’d like to get some shut-eye, i’m playing tonightat the masonic lodge, you see, what's your opinion, algot? don't have one,
i should have known, i’ll go upstairs to the organ, algot can give me a signwhen the bells stop ringing, well? there's only miss lundberg out there, guess i shouldn't say ‘‘only,'' it’s time to start the service bell, that usually brings them in, lf only we could feel safe
and dare showeach other tenderness, lf only we hadsome truth to believe in, if only we could believe, shall we have the service, then? holy, holy, holyis the lord of hosts, the whole earthis full of his glory,
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