Januari 17, 2017
"minha mae e uma peca" (2013)"my mom is a character." this is the storyof a family like any other. it could be setin tokyo, for example. in new york. paris! or maybe... in rio de janeiro! but no. it's almost in rio.
this story is actuallyset in niteroi. yes, niteroi. also known asnikiti city or smile city. and it's there, in the midstof 5 hundred thousand people, that our heroes live... a family like any other. mrs. herminia, the mother,is a caring lady that worries solelywith her children's education. marcelina,i already told you to get in
that fucking shower! i'll go when i feel like it. when you feel like it,you filthy girl? lunatic! marcelina, the daughter,the family's little princess. a teenager like any other. she has a brightfuture ahead of her. this is juliano,the man of the house. the eldest, garib, married youngand gave up on the perks
of living with his mother. and this is the father,carlos alberto, who surrendered to the charms of a young mermaidand also left the house. he never left, in order to leaveyou need to come in first. and carlos albertowas never really here. i find it very funny:after separated, he applies for"world's greatest dad"! geez! juliano!
yeah! in a sec... juliano! get those sneakersout of the living room, it's been growingcobwebs for a week! nobody stands that reek! early morning,and already bossing around. - mom is a pain!- and you're awesome, right? if i don't say anything,no one volunteers. breakfast is set, come on.
hurry upwith the breakfast, people. - mom...- your father's coming. mom, you bought less ham. just be thankful that i did,that's coming off the list. have you no shame, girl?you're fat as hell and you still want more ham! - mom! you tossed atila!- oh, my god! get him out! guys, where's dad? he's late... your father was neveron time for anything.
even to get marriedi got there first. geez! speaking of marriage, there wasn'tany cold water to drink, you two drankand didn't refill. mom's losing it, what doesmarriage have to do with water? it doesn't matter, marcelina. you shouldn't beworried about me, you should be worriedabout your panties. filthy. it's been hangingon that shower for a week.
wet, dry, wet, dry...i don't know how you haven't got an itchon that pussy of yours! mom, garib! hey, how's it going?show your face more! - hi garib, how are you, my son?- hi, mom! finally rememberedyou have a mother, huh? what, no phones in brasilia? or is it that ridiculouswoman of yours? mom, you know very wellthat since i came here to start my vet clinic,life's been crazy.
i'm glad you managedto build that pet thing... now you can take careof your wife. what is she saying? - she sent you a kiss!- how sweet, send her another. mom, andreia is here.she is sending you a kiss. ok, fine then. your siblings are fine. everything is fine...drop that cookie! your father is coming.
he's picking them upto go for a ride. good, send him a kiss from me. oh, i will.the first thing i'll do when he sets foot here, garib,is send him a kiss. definitely! your father sets footin here, i'll say: "garib sent you a kiss", ok? come visit us more often, ok? take care.
why didn't you tell her? how, andreia?does she let me speak anything? how i loathe that girl. she thinks she owns him,and she's ugly. mom! poor andreia.she's so nice! she's nice 'cause there'sno other choice. when you're uglyyou need to spiritualize, because the matter is rotten. there's your father, let's go!
this family is really zen... can you lower the horn volume,carlos alberto? no need to getneurotic on the horn. - the neighbors appreciate it.- where are they? juliano's latebecause he couldn't get up. - as always...- got it from you, right? and marcelina is in a bad mood,nobody can talk to her. if you do a scan,chances are she's brain dead. - she's your daughter...- right, my daughter.
yes. your daughter. i made her with my finger, huh,carlos alberto? hurry up, kids, before i throwa vase down there! juliano, darling,did you get your asthma inhaler? did you, juliano? hurray! - hi, dad!- hi! close the door, close it... marcelina, don't go crazyon the ice cream,
your dad is a moronand can't set limits. and give soraya a kiss,that stepmother of yours! that bitch! my mom is a character=- the movie -= dad, where are we going? to get soraya at the beautyparlor, and then... country club! the whale can't even hearof water, she gets excited! mock me, juliano, i'lltell dad which animal you are. hi marcelina, sweetie.hi juliano, darling.
- hi soraya!- what's up? everything cool? excited to go to the club? very! i'm super excited! honey, is my hair ok? he forgot the asthma inhaler... he doesn't forget his headbecause it's stuck to his body. - guys, mom's calling...- already?! - hi, mom!- get back home,
you forgot your inhaler! mom, i'm breathing just fine.i don't need the medicine, ok? what if you have a crisisand die, what then? relax, mom, i'm notgonna have any crisis. even so, dad's gota spare one in the car. ok, kisses! mom is a pain!jesus, mary and joseph! i don't knowhow we even stand her! she does that sometimes...
- sometimes? always!- always... god forbid! she's exaggerated,a drama queen. that's why dad didn't take it.got divorced. - nobody does.- and you'll be just like her. have you lost it, juliano? i'll never be like her. if i need to be like someone,i'd rather be soraya. all dresed up, big hair,riding around in a sports car with a hunk like dadon the side...
much better than being at home doing the dishesand being a pain in the ass! thanks, ma! besides, if it were upto me, i'd live with you guys. over my dead body... are you gonna say you don'tprefer living with them? you don't, right, honey? - i do...- much better! - need some help?- no!
i want to see you smile,i want to see you sing, i want to see your bodydance all night long. i want to see your body... she is beautiful, her hair... hi, aunt zelia. i came to spenda few days with you, auntie. i can't standthose kids anymore. i can't standbeing disobeyed, unappreciated to be treated as less than a dogby marcelina and juliano!
i can't stand it anymore! i've lived a whole lifejust for them! it's over! from now on, i'll only thinkabout me. they'll see! it's all about me now!it's over! but, honey,you're too worked up! what do you want me to do? coffee! you listen to me,carlos alberto. this whole club thing...it's in and out, ok?
i'm not spendingmy whole day here being the good stepmotherto those two pests! one hour, tops!done, no more, enough! "a pain, annoying,exaggerated, drama queen". that's what she said, auntie.that's how she treats me. if regret could kill,i'd be dead already. but it's normal... all teens say horrible thingsabout their mothers. - it comes with the job!- and juliano agreed!
they say that boys like himare more affectionate, companions, don't go out much,very homey. but he's not! he'd rather live with carlosalberto and that bitch soraya! marcelina... honey pie, look at me. - i'm thin, right?- and? and you're fat, right, darling? you jumped into that poollike a seaworld whale. you know, those at disney?
and thena big splash comes out. - that's you, honey.- since we're in the "seaworld", can i tell you what you are? - a mermaid...?- a barracuda. has your motherever told you you're nasty? no, but she told me you were. carlos alberto. when i was younger, i'd say: "when it's my turnit'll be different,
i'll be the best mom ever". and then you find outthere's no such thing, mothers are all the same, and children are allthe same too. we wait 9 months to give birth,we suffer, and when they comewe get a slap in the face! is it so hard for marcelinato be more polite? the other dayshe disobeyed me, embarassed me, inside the supermarket,i was stupefied!
careful, girl! sorry, mister.see what you did, tubby. for god's sake, forgive me. she didn't crawl as a baby... and when they don't crawl,they have no notion of space. when you get home,you're gonna parallel park, between the tableand the sofa. let's go. mom, i wanna buy this shampoo! you're not getting any,put it back.
but i wanna look like her... marcelina, you've gotother priorities! give it here. - you're not getting it.- mom... what good is that hairwith that body? you need a diet. i'll put you on soup. one of these days, i was like,''darling, go on a diet, it will help youand it will help mommy". then she wentto the endocrinologist. and apparently, the doctortold her to eat every 3 hours.
you see, auntie?it was supposed to help me... but i told her, i replied! i told her: "marcelina, darling,it's every 3 hours, a yoghurt, a fruit,not a lasagna every 3 hours". do you think she listened?fuck no! no, wait a minute,give me that. r$20,00 the ham,not taking it. go on. - cancellation.- cancellation. but mom, i like ham...
darling, someonewho wears xxxl like yourself, obviously likes everything! don't overdo it!i'm not xxxl, i'm just l! cancel it for me.you're xl, marcelina, and if you eat an olive,it's another x. fuck, that hag there...hey, fatty! - who's the fatty here?- yeah, who's the fatty? you, roly-poly.you're the fatty, chubby. if you decided to eat healthy,leave the register open for us.
let others go through,we don't have all day. i'm gonna rearrangeyour dental arch, you clown. look at thateternal gengivitis. just ridiculous...you don't need a dentist, you need an architectto redo the design. are you going to offend me now? i don't want to offend you,i wanna help you! in your case,only some good praying. let's talk to the witchfrom our building.
don't mind her.are you taking the ham? i'm not taking it! i'm going to eat bread with...? - who said you'll eat bread?- mom, you're a pain! put this chayote in,i'm raising a monster. but marcelina was alwayslike this, auntie, desperate. that one is a handful,herminia! get ready... - who's the queen here?- marcelina! marcelina! get down from there!
how dare you talkto me like that? i'm the queen here, obey me! get down right now! i will not! i'm playing.you sit down. marcelina, come downwithout jumping. - there you have it...- go, herminia, go! see what you did, marcelina?are you satisfied? if you fall and dieyou get me a big problem, i've got no money to bury you.
i'd bury you in the gardenuntil things get better. - you're too stressed!- it's because mommy loves you. i couldn't find the one thatdoesn't burn. it'll have to do. - no, no!- almost done! - it's burning...- nothing's burning. - it's burning...- it's faster like this! lunch with the familiywas always something. my sister iesawould always stir trouble. are you makingjoao's plate, iesa?
no, joao's onhis third plate by now. he eats everything by himself. i don't even bother.this is for andre. wow! andre eats salad?how wonderful! andre gives me no trouble. a little angel,aren't you, andre? - a little angel.- didn't get it from you, iesa. because you'refar from angel, quiet. the quiet dna is not yours,it's the father's.
yeah, he's quiet, but he's dull.dull people are usually quiet. he's a dissimulated, two-facedeceiver, that's what he is. geez! well, i'm stayingaway from salad. if i take it to her,she may throw it in my face. it's impossible to see hereat something finer, fancier. she got that from you,huh, herminia? what? geez! the finesse dna is not yours,it's the father's. the father has finesse?
only if it'son the street, iesa. because at home, he mixesfood with breadcrumbs. you know what else?he fills up the whole plate and puts a banana on top.is that finesse? a banana? he puts banana...oh, the facts of life! how appearencescan be deceiving, right? i always tought carlos albertowas a fancy guy, - and you, the troublemaker...- me, the troublemaker, iesa? where, exactly? you're thetroublemaker, ridiculous woman!
- minding people's business!- what business? when did i do that! i won't argue, iesa.do you know why? because deep down,you always hated me. god, you makesome stuff up in your mind! why would i hate you? - because i have ass, you don't.- so what? "so what" what? one camewith a butt, the other didn't. - i do have an ass!- what ass? that board?
i'm gonna throwthis bacon on your head! - marcelina.- again! - again...- marcelina! - marcelina...- again... she didn't get hurtat all, auntie. she doesn't get hurt,she gets broken. it's a whole different level. she broke arms, legs,teeth, head... i'd tell her: "darling,when you grow older,
you can be a contortionist". with her first boyfriend,do you know what i said? this is not brand new, ok, boy? she's mended in several places.on the honeymoon, - she might fall apart.- mom! you're going to ruin him...he's too skinny for you. come on... the only thing that calmed herdown was a good old hemorrhoid. i've got a small inflammation,
- a swelling, a protuberance...- where is it, miss? in this case, it's on... - it's hemorrhoid!- mom! you're out of your mind! and you haven't poopedin 4 days, marcelina! i was even wondering if you dothose stomach pumps. because this girl, the amountshe eats can fill a container. she hasn't shitfor 4 days, so, 4 containers... - i don't know what to do.- i see... i don't know,maybe a stomach pump.
do you do thosefull check-outs? - check-ups, mom!- check-up, check-in, same shit! just get it pumped. - where do we drop her stool?- mom! what's that? free willy? didn't you sayshe hadn't gone for 4 days? but she finallydid it, darling. she shat and wreaked havoc. the lab is this way, please.
- mom, sit over there!- you watch your tone with me. come on, sir, move it. thank you for your kindness. - hi.- good morning. - i brought my samples.- did you collect them today? yes, but lower your voice! what's the matter?everybody poops. it doesn't matter!i don't, until proven otherwise. speak louder and i'll collectyour tongue out!
just hand overthe shit, marcelina. but on that day, auntie,i laughed with joy. i told her:"marcelina, darling, when you mistreat mein front of others that's how i feel. embarassed. that's god's punishment,sweetie". hey, mom! hey, atila, come here, boy... - i missed you...- mom?
hello. hello, wesley, did you seemy mom down there? she passed by here,and not in a great mood. - she even had luggage.- ok, thanks. so, mrs. herminia left? for heaven's sake, mrs. juraci. you're the syndicbut don't creep up on me. did she leave? it's none of my business,i don't know.
- so?- she left, lugagge and all. but why? did you do anything? me? of course not! did you? me neither! where could she have gone? your mother? she's not here, no. you guys fight, slap,and want me in the middle? i'm not getting into this!
yes, she is here, ok?you both screwed up, she's upset and she's giving youthe silent treatment. bye. what's the matter, juliano? mom is spending some days there.aunt zelia said we screwed up. - what did we do?- i have no idea... that's one of her dramas!i'm not falling for it. i can't believe it!finally, peace in this house! it's not funny, marcelina.not at all.
i'm worried about her. geez... who called, auntie? - juliano.- i knew it! juliano was alwaysmore affectionate, more caring. he's marcelina'scomplete opposite. never broke a nail,that i know of. i only wish he hadhalf of his sister's spirit, but he was alwayslike that... different.
- why did they mock you?- i don't know. and you, garib? why didn't youdefend your brother? i'm not in his classroom, mom.how was i to know? ear to the ground, connections,talk to people. investigate! and why didn't youmock them back? - i don't know how, mom.- you've got to learn, what are you going to dowhen i'm not here? are you a manor a piece of bacon? - a piece of bacon.- let's go, guys.
it took me a while to get used to my "piece of bacon" son... juliano? juliano? what are youdoing over there? carlos alberto dideverything, auntie. he put himon soccer practice... watch the waist,move the waist. jab, cross. he even put himin boxing lessons.
actually, carlos alberto wasfar more patient than me. punch it, darling. juliano,fucking kill it, darling. yes, yes! you're doing well. juliano, give ita whoop ass, like this. relax, let him do thingsin his own time. - what are you talking about?- to each its own time. you have yours,i have mine, juliano has his. - what do you expect?- nothing, carlos alberto.
just teach him any shitfrom the masculine universe. - why not take him swimming?- i did. he drowns. - judo?- he gets beat up, always the first one! what do we do, carlos alberto? son, come here. tell daddy and mommy: what do you like to play? dolls.
leave. give me this. on a christmas, auntie,he bought juliano a skateboard. we thought: it's okto play with dolls, but while riding a skateboard.then it evens out... did you like it? garib, as usual, was neverany trouble, a golden boy. - did you like it, my son?- thanks, mom! here, look, essay tubes, potassium permanganate...
- drop that french toast!- no, it's mine! - give it back to me.- it's mine! carlos alberto,can you get her present so she can drop the food? marcelina,darling, your present. wow, dad! it's beautiful!thank you! it's all pink, i love pink! - thanks, dad.- mine! no, juliano. it's hers!
juliano, that's notyour present. it's hers. - yeah...- pink, look. a bow. it's hers. - not yours.- what's the matter with pink? it's not about being pink,it's just hers. the object is hers, not yours. - it's not about the color.- it's hers. - daddy's got a pink shirt.- you do, carlos alberto? - it's lilac.- lilac! - oh, no, it's pink...- pink...
but that's not the issue,it just isn't yours, it's hers! - it's hers!- son, easy, easy! take her... marcelina, come with me, honey.come here... see what you did? now what are wegiving marcelina? how about this one? and this one? no.
this one, my love. i must have saidsome awful things to julianowithout realizing it. i was just so afraidto see him suffer, auntie... he was always so kind,so sweet, such a good boy... hi, mom... this is tiago. - we just came to get a...- hi, tiago! how are you? - hi, good afternoon.- good afternoon. now that you're here, tiago,where did you meet juliano?
well, from life. - what life?- at a nightclub. - where?- on the entrance line. - what line?- the bar's. - which bar?- in the nightclub. - which nightclub, juliano?- a club that i go to. - who took you?- tiago. - isn't that where you two met?- different one. you both sit down, now.i want to talk to you.
let's talkabout that nightclub. are theremore men or women there? - more men.- more women! no, he lies! one more thing...do the men get shirtless? yeah... one more thing,tiago, sweetie... the music, is itthose loud beats with no vocals? ok... and the dancing, is it...
what do you wantto know? just ask! no, never mind. let's get the dvd. - nice to meet you.- you too. yeah, he's kind of cute... juliano is reallya golden boy, no? i missmy "piece of bacon", auntie... i'm not even hungry. i'm starving!what's there to eat?
there's everything...rice, beans... we only have no cluehow to cook it. what's the use?we could ask aunt iesa... are you crazy, juliano? mom's already pissed at us,if we drag aunt iesa into it... let's starve to death, then... i got it! waldeia's there! - waldeia!- deia... what is it?i'm on vacation. hurry up.
- but you're here!- i'm not "there", i'm "here". "there" i'm on vacation."here" i'm working. i got an extra shift at iesa's. it doesn't matter,you have to help us. mom left. it's justanother of her dramas. soon she'll be back.i know her. geez... waldeia,she left us with no food. she did you a favor,right, marcelina? you're a pain!
speaking the truth makes youa pain, huh... what, juliano! - we don't know how to cook.- then you'll have to learn. what if world war iii starts?there's no more food? marcelina's stocked up,what would you do? eat your fingers? bye. - good night, honey.- good night, auntie. i think i overdid it. don't think about the kids. you need to thinkabout yourself now.
ok, auntie, i will. so relax and sleep. up already, darling? you're completelyright, auntie. i was thinking.they're not kids anymore. i should focus on me now. i'll change my life around.you'll see. that's more like it! upbeat! - forget that housewife!- done.
- forget those kids!- done! - so let's hit the streets!- let's go, auntie! they're both fine,i'm sure of it. - they have a strong bond.- let's go. auntie, i loved that youbrought me to icarai beach, it's been a long timesince i came here. great idea. hi, dea lucia, are you ok?remember her? you know what's goodabout this beach? there's only beautiful people.
with one or two exceptions. look, herminia, i'm going to saysomething, don't be mad at me. what i really thinkyou need is a man. a man?! auntie,let me tell you: "seeing" and "having"are two different things. - you need a husband!- are you crazy, auntie? one more at hometo increase my load... geez. a husband is not an objectyou get in the supermarket and simply take it home.
nowadays, it's harder to gethusbands than public jobs. a good one, then... nowadays, you're too picky! in my days, we fixed them.today, you just trade them. men are annoying, auntie. if uncle iranizio was alive,you would've killed him already! oh, the poverty... juliano, isn't tiago coming? you could call him, ask himto bring sandwiches...
of course not,we just started dating, i won't startasking him things. why not?tell him mom freaked out, left, and abondoned ushere with nothing. we. just. started. dating! he shouldn't find outthis family is crazy. juliano, he already knowsmom is crazy! i don't care, i won't do it.go out and buy it. but i'm tired...
- oh, decided to call?- none of your business! - hey, hon...- ridiculous. you see how life is... i'm loving this time i'mspending with you, auntie. i'm loving it too,having you here with me. it's also good to getaway from that building. it's full of crazies... not to mention mrs. lourdes. i get the chillsjust by looking at her.
i'll hidein the first hole i find. herminia! herminia! fuck... hi, mrs. lourdes.is everything ok? oh my god, why did i ask? well, not really.i don't know if i told you, but i have some seriousintestine issues. always such pleasant topics... you did.you told me your whole life.
i have a big problem,i suffer from constipation. i try everything, right? lots of fiber,vegetables, papaya, homeopathics, luck charms... - to try and loosen the bowels.- and? well, now it's loose... my lord, you must have poopedthings from the 70's... girl, now i'm all loose,everything, it's terrible. i even changed the diet.i bought cashew, bananas,
i don't know what else to buyto control this. buy adult diapers.how about that? and some duct tapeto shut that mouth. never met someone withso much to say. wesley! wesley! - he's not in...- how so? the doorman must be at the door.it's in the regulations! oh my god,if he doesn't get here my arm will gangrene.
i'll yell him out. wesleeey! totally lost the sense ofridicule and respect for others. i'm sorry, it was hardto control. just a little fart. a little fart like that,in a bigger scale, could destroy mankind... how i loathe this syndic. a woman that size,thinking she owns the building. sometimes i feel likepunching her to the ground. it's really hard for me...
"for me"? for us, honey. - i'm sorry...- go, mrs. lourdes. - but i can wait...- go! - new resident?- yes. 302. have you no shame, girl? all that singing,day and night. my husband gota new karaoke machine. he sings all day,i hate that thing. and you don't sing, huh,half-wit? i hear woman's voice.
but not for a long time, right? 'cause he's the fanatic,won't let me sing. and when it's my turnhe chooses my song. - i don't know what to do.- but i do. residents meeting today,i'll be at your door, with or without music.now, excuse me. residents meeting. let's go! - is it time already?- yes, of course. what's this?he's ruining the song.
- he ruins all of them.- oh, come on, that song's wonderful.that's just wrong. give it here, you goat.ridiculous... give it here.i love you, i love you. fuck...i want to make you happy. let's get the first plane...wait, you're early! - can't i join in?- of course not. have you ever seena country trio? - it's always duos.- duos!
what the hell?a last minute trio? hey, the residentsmeeting is on! for heaven's sake! asshole, son of a bitch... i wanted to sing,you stood by her. you're messingwith me, give it. - i love you, you know it.- yeah, right... cry for me, call me. you're fucked! fucked!
well, since nobody opposed, i'll consider we all agreed, and also decided onthe addition of an extra fee. now let's move onto the next topic, a very important one:increasing the syndic's salary. the syndic isthe authority figure here in this building and also the one with the mostresponsabilities, of course. that's why i putthis topic in our agenda.
- started already?- yes. we've already decidedon the extra fee and we are nowon the final considerations. good, you'reon your final consideration, because that soft talk of yoursto get our money is old news. the news noware going to come from me. i'm going to tell on everyone,even wesley is gonna go down. i've never seen a doormanthat's not at the door. how do you explain that?is he a ghost?
he comes to the door for 3minand leaves. is he a visitor? i'll write down your complaint,every opinion is valid. after all, this is our home. a "home" is where you're going,if you don't knock - that dull face off.- that's absurd! the absurd is you,making this renovation up and trying to shovethis extra fee on us. but we need to finishthe garage renovation! exactly, darling, we needto finish that construction!
3 months drilling that garage. where are you getting at?earth's core? who did you join forces with?bin laden? that's a good one.bin laden's dead! what's so funny, mr. maranhao? i think it's funny your interestfor this garage renovation. what's it for? to put a largekennel for you and your dogs? i didn't even knowmr. maranhao had a dog. three. a pit bull,a siberian husky and him.
you see,not even the syndic knew. - this building is a joke.- i'm confused. - i'm getting a headache...- we get one too, everyday with that strong incenseyou light up. can't you reducethe frequency, girl? because you're not the witch. that's her, i'll bewith you in a sec. now you, lighting that incensewith those red eyes, you're lighting something else.
your kids also "light" it. my kids light it sporadically,they're young. you're a grown-up, an adult,you lit it, you liked it, you're hooked.you light it up every day. guys, let's do something here.it's over! this is a circus act,come on, leave! meeting's over. this is a joke.i'm not myself today. let's go! me, crazy? pothead. look at thataggressive pothead.
come on, let's go.look at the sweaty one. go take a shower, you clown.ridiculous. sweaty. good, you're the last one here. - i'm not alone.- oh, no? you're with whom? - i'm with my guides.- with your guides? if you keep playing those drumsevery tuesday afternoon, you'll be with themon the same plane. if you keep bugging me, i'll incarnate a spiritright here. an entity.
- i'll beat both your asses.- that's absurd! i'll disincarnate, if i have to.get out of here! - geez...- clown, colorful, ridiculous. too much negativity?have a salt shower. salt shower? i'll shovesalt down your throat. clown, ridiculous, colorful.go to the circus. did you see that, auntie? threatening me with an entity! but on that day i said it all.
if i didn't, i would explode. that's what you should do. explode it all, then pick upthe pieces and restart. forget everythingand worry about yourself. i try, auntie.but, before i know it, i'm already involvedwith something else. now, for instance,i'm talking to you here, but i'm thinkingif the children ate well. i can't help it.
hungry! - hey, honey.- hey, hon. here, i broughtthe sandwich you asked. great! i brought youone too, marcelina. it's chicken. i wasn'tsure about the side order. - it's salad, right?- yeah... no. some fries would be better, but in our predicament,no other option,
i'll take the salad. thanks. and i brought your favorite: - what?- cheese bacon. what? wanna switch, marcelina? i'm not even gonnafake it. yeah! - here, orca!- handsome, you! i'm glad i'm herewith you, you know? - what's wrong?- my house sucks. my mother's annoying as hell.
- so is ours.- what do you mean, you lunatic? well, she's just not here, but wherever she is,she's annoying as hell. that's how theyclassify me: annoying. these kids don't wantanything out of life. not at all. never have. when iesa started living there,i had to set some boundaries. she'd go out to work, and joao marcelo would staythe whole day in my place.
the whole day!that's how they are. that's what they do. joao marcelo and andre luis areforbidden of stepping in here. - forbidden!- willl you explain why? you stay cramped up in here,fighting, and i've had enough. that's it? not a good reason.give me more. fine, i'm crazy. not coming in! - end of story! forbidden!- you see? that's why i'm growingwith all these traumas.
i somatize it all in my body, get nervous,then i can't stop eating. so now, you beingfat is my fault. - yeah!- i raised you both. - he's thin!- but he's gay! wha...? marcelina! mom! mom, mom... look what you did! see?
go get some help, see if there's anyoneat aunt iesa's. go. run, girl! mom, mom... i think my mom's dead! - what?- come, andre! aunt? aunt herminia? i told you i don't want youin here anymore. get out! but weren't you dead? that's your problem.get out. move!
i was far from dead, auntie. i just faked it so i couldget out of that conversation. i thought,with iesa next door... raising the children would beeasier. you'd help each other. help, auntie? we just added up the problems,she was full of them too. you scared me! what now? come on, sit over there. herminia, can you believeandre started smoking?
i don't believe it,give me one. we try setting the example. i do it all, i work my ass off,i suffer all day in order for themto learn, but they don't! look at your mother's example. look at what she's become. a delusional, failed, heinous, assless, golden-teethed,decadent woman. - hey, don't overdo it!- you're enabling smoking, then?
i'm gladi don't have that here. my kids never smoked or puta cigarette on their mouths. - yes, they did.- what? i saw marcelina smokingone of these days. what! i'm not feeling well,i'm blacking out, - got the chills, look.- bullshit. hold those chills,because i'm not done. if juliano doesn't,he soon will. he's obviously full of issues,
and cigarettes are hometo unbalanced people. just like you, iesa.you're living proof! - what are you, a saint?- no, but do you think i forgot? that fit you threw when mom diedand left me the coffee table? mom hated me. it had to be it. - hated you, my ass!- if she didn't, the coffee table would bemine, not yours. this living roomis all cluttered, full of knickknacks.ridiculous.
nobody walks in here, it's likea museum, and old store, a mess. - what's this? jealous much?- it's not fair! mom always knewi loved that coffee table. you had to bring it up... so annoying, this whole coffeetable thing. a circus act. it's mine! enough!mom died and left it with me. solid wood, wonderful.you'll die before you get it. - who said you won't die first?- what? you're older than me.it's only natural.
when you die,i get the coffee table. yeah, sure, i'll put itin my will, darling! i'll put,"coffee table: not iesa's". - then who'll get it?- no one. i'll just put, colon:"except iesa"... weren't you aboutto black out, faint, have a thing, full of chills? - aren't you going to bed?- how? no time for that,i'm a busy woman,
anguished, full of problems. i think, herminia.i'm troubled, it's karma. - i don't sleep, sis.- go find yourself a man! why don't you go first? - geez... why?- you find a scumbag, - i'll find a better one.- competitive much? i'm not,the table should be mine. now we're backon the coffee table! it should be mine!
holy fuck! look here, herminia,you know what i think? that you never cared for garib. you never gave him much tought. you never talk about him. it seems there's only julianoand marcelina in your life. what can i sayabout garib, auntie? he always had good grades,always studied. he left home, so differentfrom the rest of the family!
i don't know...something's fishy. i'll make some coffee. she came in strong,no "good morning", and already laidan intrigue. this soon! - hello.- hello, garib... - hey, mom, what is it?- let me ask you something: did you havethat childhood trauma thing? - no, of course not, mom.- are you sure of that, garib? no backsies. kisses, bye.
aunt zelia, let metell you: i called garib. no traumas there. ok? they have nothingto be traumatized about. they always had everything. i made allthe birthday parties. it was my pleasure. geez! crazy woman... quit it! she's crazy...
i don't know where my mind waswhen i decided to do this party. next time, put mein an asylum first, waldeia. i don't know whyyou invited so many. i'm not surethere's enough food! how come!look at all these hotdogs! kids party is just hotdogsand soda, that's enough! except it's juice, not soda. - same thing, waldeia.- where? in this world?which country? geez.
- hi!- i'm hungry! - here, hotdogs!- i don't like hotdogs. but you're gonna eat them! youare gonna eat this shit. here. - i'm thirsty!- juice is coming, ok? - yes, juice.- i wanted soda. "wanted"!you used the correct tense. wanted! there's no soda. give me this balloon. look at the clown, look!
don't you wannado anything, you clown? what's this? give me this shit. shitty clown, never again. benjamin, let's takesome hotdogs to marcelina. you pests!balloons, never again. hotdogs! mom, i told younot to come in here! get out! i told you!
- mom, get out!- fuck... stop barging in all the time, we're not doing anything!it's my birthday... i don't want closed doors!that's it! it's my birthday,you're a pain! marcelina, i told you i don'twant this fucking door closed! what's thatyou're hiding there? this, mom... it's a... a... a sort of clay, like... humus.
it's like a compostthat gets the plants... high, marcelina? super high. do you think i wasborn yesterday? i' fromthe woodstock generation. - are you crazy?- mom, you went to woodstock? i did, passed straight by it.but i felt the stink. moms and dads are not morons. i want this door open. they think they knoweverything about life.
that mothers and fathershave no other concerns. you know... they don't realize we also have a history. we also suffered,got happy, disappointed... you know? teenagersare very hard, auntie. i would rather have20 kids than one teenager. teenagers think nothing badwill ever happen to them. they think they're immortals. i wish...
mom. mom, wake up. mom, something happenedto andre luiz. we spend our children'sadolescence with no sleep, hoping nothing bad will happen. and when andre died, my god... for a second there,the whole family died with him. but i think, auntie, thatwhen a mother loses a son, all the mothers in the worldlose a bit of themselves. this conversationtook a turn, huh...
yes, i'm sorry...i said too much. you did. you opened a lotof parenthesis and closed none. but i'm glad i have youto open them with. i'm very lonely at home. if it's up to the children,they never talk to me. they don't bother.they come in, stay for 5 minutes,and go back out. marcelina, forget that nightclub!
forget the partying.no partying! marcelina, you comehome right now! do not set my disrhythmia off! forget the beer! no! because i don't want you to! just because. yes, it is an answer! just because! because i'm crazy! come home.
i don't want you there. come... oh, disobey me! you hang up on me, and i'll show up therein my nighties. let's go, i'm going after her.come on, juliano. mom! you're in your nightgown! i don't care. should i dress upjust to slap her face? wait! come, juliano. excuse me,i'm an elderly, i go in first.
stop it, mom! sorry, sorry. she's nervous... mom, please. - sorry, hi.- good evening. i was wondering,why is everyone in pajamas? it's a pajama party today, and you're not dressed for it. - call liege.- who's liege? liege monteiro,our greatest press secretary. - i went to school with her!- let me explain.
liege didn't throw this party. it's carol sampaio's, ok?from "favorite"? - i know her.- we know her, sure. let's speed this up.you can go, because you're dressedfor it. you can't. - pants off.- i won't... - take them off!- i can't! - right now!- no, not here... shut up,mind your own! let's go.
geez, that ridiculous lingerie,minding my son's business. put it here. there.he's dressed, you clown. he's dressed! - out of my way!- excuse me. let's go... geez! what a lunatic! god knows what he's doing. look at the partiesyour sister goes to! pajama party!
in my days, there wasnothing like this. no way! carlos alberto only saw melike this after we got married. if he had seen it before,we might not have got married. on the other hand, mom,now everybody's looking! after a certain age,we put it in god's hand. now shut up!help me find your sister. look at this nightclub,full of whores. excuse me...
out of my way. are you carol? - nice to meet you.- hi. since you own all this,turn this shit off, please. shut up, "boo" my ass! marcelina, look at me,you can't hide for long, mommy knows you're there.ok, darling? i'll just say stuff,you're probably embarassed, but then at leastyou'll have a reason. guys, marcelina is the filthiestgirl ever, you have no idea.
she didn't get it from me! - it's the father's fault.- mom! one more thing: she wears the same shirt700 times, never changes it. she fills her armpitwith deodorant, to get the b.o. out, then she gets that thickyellow crust there, because she has b.o.it's normal at that age, - it's a hormonal b.o...- mom!
hi, marcelina, i wasjust talking about you! - let's go, mom!- wait a minute, not now, i'm enjoying this chat.isn't it fun, guys? mom, that can't beyour normal you. why not? i'm young too,of course i'm not normal! can anyone be normal here, like a videogame,this ridiculous music? are you tryingto embarass me to death? i wouldn't say "death",but since i'm here,
i'd like to have a chat.here's the thing: raise your hands whoeverfinished middle school. wonderful, good students! how about high school? the numbers startedto drop, marcelina. and college? did you finish?this is an embarassment... so this isthe "ungraduated" crowd... the "ungraduated" nightclub.wonderful, guys.
marcelina is "ungraduated" too. how many times have yousucked at your sats? she's dumb,she can't assimilate. - you know, the questions...- you're destroying my image! of course not,i'm just talking... - aren't you enjoying it?- yeah! then you stay therewhile i have drink at the bar. like hell you will! i'm so embarassed!
you, embarassed?i'm embarassed! look at her clothes,like a slut! as if she didn't have a mother. i'll never showmy face there again! damn right, marcelina!you're never going there again! ridiculous!full of ridiculous people. that decadent, dark place... i think i missmom's craziness... let's call her,ask her to come back.
i won't! she left,she should call us. if mom were here right now... i'm looking for 50 bucksshe owes me. beat it! let's take a walk, auntie. i'll buy some thingsand cook you a delicious meal. i don't want it,i'm not hungry. then i'll buysome appetizers for us. no, only old peopleeat appetizers... what's the matter?what happened?
a thousand things.look at this. what's that? i can't forget that kiss.i didn't even watch the movie. i can't stopthinking about you. time has proved that my lovewas real, that i wasn't crazy. i can't imaginemy life without you. herminia, our children arebeautiful and healthy. that's the greatest proofour love was worth it. but we can't look awayfrom what's happening...
mom, you'rethe prettiest rose of all. we can't live without you. i'll call her. come on, auntie. i forgot my wallet.wait just a second. what for, auntie?i've got money. i don't leave homewithout my id. just a second. yeah, get your id. old people can'twalk around unidentified.
old peoplemust always be alert. - they're not answering.- maybe they're sleeping. i'll try again. damn it... - hello?- hi, auntie! finally! i was worried... what's happening?why is mom acting like this? look, darling,i shouldn't say anything. but this has gone too far.
here's what happened: but i ask you firstnot to tell her i told you, because you can bea big mouth sometimes... hey! took you a while, auntie!what happened? imagine that,i forgot where i put my wallet. why do you hide things, auntie? after a certain agewe can't hide anything, two minutes laterwe forget where we hid it.
- come on.- let's go. honey, i don't want to butt in, but don't you thinkit's time to go back home? yeah, i do,but what of my pride? as long as i rememberwhat they said... - forget that...- why? do you want me to go? if that's it, i'll go.am i bothering you? - no, not at all.- if you want me to, i'll go. - do you want to go?- do you want me to go?
i'll tell them i came backbecause you told me to. you're dying to go back! of course i am! and my pride? where do i put it?of course i am... and? what do you think? they left. and the doorman,with that dull face, has no idea where they went. aargh... she shouldget a cellphone...
yeah, absurd... when i get home, i'll tell them next time they disobey me, it won't be an ice treatment,it'll be an iceberg. they'll see. next time, i'll get my savings and goto new york. i'll leave a note: - "i left, don't bother..."- take me with you! definitely, auntie. relax, marcelina, relax!
at least we know mom'swith aunt zelia, she's fine. she's not fine, juliano. - and i feel terrible.- don't be like this. come here. what is ityou wanted to do, again? - eat...- ah, eat... campo de sao bento looksprettier every day, isn't it? it's true, this is just likecentral park, but in niteroi. - hi?- could i interview you? - of course!- what's your name?
- herminia and zelia.- we're going in live, ok? i told youto get those curlers out. - it's fine...- we're going in. - i'm here with mrs. herminia...- and zelia. i wanted to know fom you, have you noticedthe food prices increase? of course i have! this whole"the country is broke", that's just silly, boy.it's broken for ages...
at home, things arebroken for a while. this week wasthe microwave oven, it had a one-year warranty. after one year and one day,it broke. right? god, i'm so happy! marcelina, look! unbelievable! what's this?! is it live? where?
it's at campo de sao bento,mom's there right now. let's go! very nice of you. home appliances, nowadays,are not like before. thanks for... hold up. i've got more to say. look at that, soraya.she loves the spotlight. there are thingsmothers don't say. in fact, let me dosomething here. yeah. in my opinion,a woman has to be discreet,
has to shine naturally. i wanted to tell you all:respect your mothers, ok? wow, camerasreally make you fat, right? let me listen. no, hold up, 3 minutesis too little for a mother. we act a little bit crazy, just because we really are, ok? but we mean well. who's this crazy woman?cut, cut, cut!
no, no, wait. let her... - the ratings are going up.- we may be a pain, you know... i am. when my kids ask methings i don't have, it hurts, isn't that right,auntie? it hurts. we want to give,but we don't have it! then, what's left, boy?you see? we suffer. raising is difficult,the thing is... making it is easy,but raising... right, auntie?
but i tell them this: enjoy your momwhile she's alive, because our only certaintyis that we'll die, you see? - mom!- those are mine... - i miss you!- you're coming back, right? do you promise to... - i missed you so much!- i missed you both... buddy, excuse us,this not a reality show. babe. babe...
even i missed you,can you believe it? they're through the roof,can you imagine? will you getthe wet towel off the bed? yes... do you promise to putthe toothpaste lid back on - for the shit not to get lumpy?- yes... babe, let's go to the bedroom. let's go, babe. to the bedroom? nothing for you today,ok, babe?
do you... i won't promise anything.moms are neutral, right? let's go, guys. i was goingto have a heart attack... i'm starving... one week later mrs herminia! do you wannagive me a heart attack? god forbid!if you die i lose my job. mr. carlos alberto's comingand they won't wake up
to take a shower.the rooms are stinking rotten. they won't? there! marcelina,you've showered. let's go. your father's coming. juliano, your father's coming. will you have a bathroomor a bedroom shower? he chose the traditional one,that's great. cleaning the ballroomfor the party, marcelina? - pass me the sweetener.- i won't!
- i'll spend some days away...- disobeying me this early? - soon, they'll be slapping you.- you see...? but mom, come on...waking us up with water? what's this? are you allganging up on me now? answer the phone, waldeia. - it's not for me.- you see...? hi, aunt zelia, how are you?everything's fine. yes, everything's great. yeah, we'remuch better than before!
aunt zelia, i'm hanging up now,carlos alberto's here. now the gang's finally full. let me see if that"slum madame" is here too. ok? kisses. let me check if the bossbandit dared to come. there, she did. hi, soraya! everything ok? nice dress, darling! thanks, honey pie.carlos alberto gave me.
expensive... such good taste,carlos alberto! always had, herminia!that's why i married you. married and then dumped me... do you know why, honey pie? in time, people getfiner tastes. - hi!- hi, soraya. hi, honey. how are you?what's up... hi, dad!
they didn'teven give me a kiss... why would they start now? look, it's filthy! you clown! be careful, kids, and look! mommy loves you... hello, i'd like to talkto mrs. herminia. - that would be me.- hi, you don't know me, my name's joao fonseca. i'm the directorof a tv station.
you were interviewed liveon our show... yes... i'd like to say thatthe interview was a huge hit. we got several e-mails,and we thought about creating a tv show,just for you. not even in my wildest dreams. i'd think my life would getturned around like this. but if there's a groupof people whose lives keep getting turned around,it's moms, no doubt about it.
- waldeia?- yes. have you ever thought aboutworking at a celebrity's house? no, i thought about mebeing the celebrity. me, having all the fame.what are you talking about? just curious. one month laterattention, 1, 2, 3, recording. good morning to allour mom viewers. welcome! we welcome you too,sons of a gun! you, who don't appreciate us,
for you, i say: "wait,yours is coming your way". so, margareth, let's talkto margareth real quick. your daughter flunkedthe 8th grade 8 times now. i can't believe it,she's completely hopeless. what would you do, eunice? - i'd beat her good.- did you or did you not? i did, so hard,even more than i should. at home, that's how they learn. - do you know it's not true?- no?
they don't learn. i'd evenlike to send a message here: you can't beat them up,you go to jail. it's in the law. you can'tbeat them in any way. when i've had enough,what do i do? i throwthe first thing i see at them... but that's also beating. but then you don't leaveyour fingerprint on them. you send your messageand walk away free. so, if you want to beatthe dirt off your clothes,
do you know what you do? here. come here, honey.this girl slows us down. it's the dynamic duo,liquid ariel and downy. all the dirt goes awaywith liquid ariel. and downy's scent is four timesstronger than the others. so, now, back to the talk.you can go now. three weeks later don't you miss,in a few moments, on mdg, the premiere of herminia show.
- today's the premiere!- don't even... - are you smoking?- oh, auntie, i'm nervous! then you're the usual you.and iesa, is she here yet? iesa's not watching it herebecause she's cold. who's cold? who said i'm cold? did you change your mind? i'm watching it with you,here, with the family. - are you smoking?- mind your own business, iesa. mom, you're not gonnabelieve this. dad's coming up.
your dad? unbelievable! today's the day... hi, soraya! - hey, honey!- you ok? - hi, dad...- how are you, my son? hi. no need... - how are you, carlos alberto?- herminia! i had to comeand congratulate you. congratulations, herminia.you're going to be famous!
is there anything to drinkor only after the fame? there's something for you, yes.waldeia, get soraya some water. sit, carlos alberto,be my guest. hello, hi. hi, honey! - do you want some coffee?- no, thank you. i do. is there anythingyou don't, soraya? - the bathroom...?- find it yourself. - still jealous, herminia?- of you, carlos alberto?
an old man like that. in a few moments,the must-see show for moms. have you boiled the water,pretty thing? - do you know physics?- what? physics states that water onlyboils at a certain temperature. i don't know exactly which,because i don't have exactitude. it won't boil soonerjust because you want to. but i think physicsmust do what i want. everybody does,why would physics be different?
because that's what you think. i don't work with thoughts,i work with exactitudes. what?this middle class kitchen? not really. too small. i like space, you know, wal...? - waldeia.- waldete... do you know how manysquare meters my apartment has? yeah, you really needa lot of meters - to fit that arrogance.- wow...
one of snow white's dwarvesstarted talking! you know what you look like?a little ant... but with that big head,it's more of a fire ant... what's your problem? tract infection?yeast infection? constipation? drink plum juice. it'll fix that face of yours. who do you thinkyou are, jiminy cricket? she doesn't thinkshe is, she is!
and if she's jiminy cricket,you're noah's ark. you're a cow, a hen, a bitch,a rhyno, a snake, everything. - gloves off now?- exactly. just because i dissedyour tiny little maid? she's not a maid, honey.she's family. - unlike you.- you listen to me, herminia... mrs. herminia!it's mrs. herminia for you. santa? that's right, i forgotyou're way older than me.
i'm older, far older, far more interesting,far more anything than you. someone like you shouldunderstand that time passes. for you, time flew! you should fly too.get out of my kitchen. don't touch me. one more thing:herminia, you're swollen... you'll be swollen too when i shove this traydown your throat. clown!
herminia. what is it, carlos alberto?round two? - no, i owe you an apology.- carlos alberto... i know perfectly welli wasn't a good husband. i'm not the greatestfather either, but... i want you to know thatdespite everything, i really like you. let me tell you something. you were a great husband,you are a great father
and the kids love you.everything's fine. - but your part is very hard.- it's not hard, it's easy... what do i do?i go to the supermarket, buy something,come back, do the dishes, do the laundry, forgotsomething, go back... - yeah, my part is hard...- yes, very hard. when i put it this way... i think we're startingto get along, carlos alberto. i think so too.
only one think leftfor us to really get along. - what?- dump that son of a bitch! - mom, garib's here.- garib, carlos alberto! hi, garib, my son! long time no see! do you want anything to drink? i'm really thirsty,i'd love a drink. of course. waldeia, bring thisgirl some water! excuse us. darling, anything to drink?
some grape juice...get out, honey. spatious. have a seat. - what's up?- are you guys ok? no, i'm fine. actually, i'd liketo take the time, since everyone's here, to give some great news:andreia and i... we're pregnant! you're going to bea grandmother!
how do you springsomething like that on me on the dayof my show's premiere! mom, be quietso you can rest, please! jesus, how will weraise this child? every other day in my place? mom, i live in brasilia!we'll talk later. my goodness...what are we going to do? give me the nameof that baby food, i'm doing groceries today,i'll stock it up.
mom, we're only 3 months in.we don't even know the gender. i'll buy unisex baby food.not a problem, garib. see the shit you did, garib? not long ago i spenttwo days at zelia's, how long will ineed to be here? i'm shutting up, now. i need to be alivewhen my show premieres. this movie is dedicatedto all brazilian moms, especially to dea lucia,inspiring muse of this piece.
delete it! i'm going to tell the fucked up thingsyou do at home. delete it! delete what?the picture looks great! ouch! delete it! stop it, mom!the picture looks great! you'll see what i'll dowith this tablet. - give it.- i will not! what do you want? - are you filming me?- of course not, mom!
you're filming?! you bastard! i wanted to goto the party, take a shower and you're pestering me? - give me my tablet.- get out! i'll pin you to the wall,just like i did with juliana. give me my tablet. - against the wall.- give it back! - i won't!- get back here! give it back! trying to hidebehind the door, huge woman.
huge is your ass,your tongue, you son of a bitch. give me my tablet! paulo gustavo, here. do anything you want. i'll gather the press.
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